Muppets from Earth
by Negaduck
Summary: After over thirty years the Muppet theater is reopening!  Once again it's time to play the music, it's time to light the lights... and for Gonzo and Camilla, that's not the biggest change in their lives.
1. The Sandwich Whisperer

**Muppets from Earth**  
**Part 1: The ****Sandwich**** Whisperer**  
By Kim McFarland

* * *

It was not a dark and stormy night. For the past few weeks the weather had been very fair, which was convenient for late-night Jacuzzi parties.

It was, in fact, late morning in the time zone in which the Muppets' boarding house was situated. The place was always lively, but now there was an added element of anticipation, as the renovations to the theater were almost complete. Soon the Muppets would be able to put on their shows again. Everyone had been making plans, preparing new acts, and generally driving each other crazy. It was a glorious time.

Very few Gonzo groupies still hung around because there had been no further communication with his alien brethren after they left Earth. The "R U THERE" messages had disappeared as mysteriously as they had appeared, leading some to speculate that they had never been real.

Kermit was reading just such an article over a late breakfast and shaking his head. The Muppets had engineered an elaborate hoax, so the writer claimed, in order to drum up publicity for their soon-to-be-reopened theater. "If we had the money to pull off something like that, would we be fixing up an old vaudeville house?" he said to himself.

"Sure we would," replied Fozzie.

Kermit looked up. Fozzie said, "Where else would we do the show? The theater's like home."

Kermit nodded thoughtfully. Fozzie was right. Even though the repairs required to bring it up to code were intimidatingly expensive, nobody had even considered moving the show elsewhere.

Kermit's train of thought was derailed by a muffled explosion from the kitchen. Flour and edible shrapnel sprayed through the door into the dining room. Rats shouted in excitement and immediately began gathering up the windfall. One slipped on a piece of banana peel and skidded, whooping, across the room.

"And this home is like a theater," Kermit told Fozzie.

"Hey, that's a good one! Can I use it?" asked the bear.

"Sure, go ahead," Kermit said as Fozzie scribbled on a paper napkin. He thought that it was a good thing they had rats; the perpetually-hungry creatures cleaned up a lot of the Swedish Chef's messes. Well, the larger bits, anyway. All attempts to interest them in sweeping or mopping up had failed dismally.

Gonzo, dressed in blue jeans and a button-down shirt with a dice pattern, came down the stairway. He glanced down at the floury floor, speckled with tiny footprints and skid marks, then continued into the kitchen as if this was nothing unusual. Which, to tell the truth, it wasn't.

Soon he came back out with a sandwich. Kermit folded the paper to hide the hoax article. Gonzo was aware of the controversy, but there was no need to bring any more attention to it than it deserved, which, in Kermit's opinion, was none. He asked, "Got any plans for the new show?"

Gonzo took a seat at the table. "Not yet. You know me, I'll come up with something cool. My mind's just been on other things lately."

"Yeah," Kermit said, nodding. After meeting his alien family, Gonzo had rebounded from his depression, and the first thing he had done was get back together with his girlfriend Camilla. Kermit would be willing to bet that that had done him more good than any amount of therapy could have.

Gonzo leaned his head in one hand and said thoughtfully, "It's been a while since I tried a motorcycle stunt."

Kermit replied, "It's been a while since anybody would insure your motorcycle stunts."

"Art should be dangerous," Gonzo said calmly. He thought a bit more, but nothing original came to mind. Usually he had more ideas than he knew what to do with, which was a good thing, because Kermit vetoed most of them. "Huh, I must really be out of practice. I've got stuntman's block."

"Isn't that usually a brick wall?"

Gonzo grinned at Kermit. Fozzie turned his napkin over and wrote. Someone said, "Hey, how ya doing?"

All three looked around. Gonzo had heard that voice before, but he couldn't place where. Was it one of the rats? He peered under the table.

"I'm up here. On your plate."

Gonzo looked at his sandwich. The conglomeration of wheat bread, baloney, peach slices, and chili powder said, "Sorry I haven't been in touch, but we can only send to the satellite every so often, when things are clear enough."

Unnerved, Fozzie said, "Uh, Gonzo, why is your sandwich talking?"

"This is how my people contacted me before. Remember, when they told me to meet them at Cape Doom that night," Gonzo said. "Kermit, Fozzie, this is..." He looked at the sandwich, "Er, I didn't catch your name."

"Call me Brian," the sandwich replied.

"Brian?" Gonzo repeated, surprised.

"Hey, we can't all have cool names."

"Sorry. This is Brian," Gonzo continued. "Brian, these are Kermit the Frog and Fozzie Bear, two of my best friends."

"Hi, pleased to meet'cha."

"Wow," Fozzie said. "You really come from _outer space?"_

"Sure do. Of course, we originally came from a planet, but that was a long time ago."

Gonzo asked, "What was our home world like?"

"Oh, it was a rough neighborhood. It was full of huge monstersyou'd call 'em dragonsthat liked to snack on us when they weren't stepping on us."

"Whoa," Gonzo said.

"Yeah. We evolved brains and thumbs as fast as we could, invented space travel, and got out of there."

"I'll bet. What planet was it?"

After a pause the sandwich said, "We don't know. That was so long ago we lost track."

Aghast, Gonzo asked, "How can you lose track of a whole _planet?"_

"When you're in space it's like losing track of one grain of sand in a beach. Besides, this was millions and millions of zotons ago. Who knows if we'd even recognize it if we found it again? Just like in the old song."

"What old song?"

"You know, the one you used to call us back."

Gonzo glanced around, and noticed that the conversation had acquired an audience beside Kermit and Fozzie. People of various species were watching from the stairway, and even the rats had stopped in mid-plunder. One had snuck under the table to see if Gonzo was controlling the sandwich from below. Self-consciously Gonzo said, "Er, I don't know what you mean."

"You know, 'This looks familiar, vaguely familiar... I'm going to go back there someday.' It's an old ballad about trying to find our home world. When we first visited this planet-when we lost you, Gonzo-we were setting a satellite in orbit so we could keep an eye on things without scaring the natives. Since then that satellite has been picking up bits and pieces of broadcasts and saving whatever looked interesting. We got the data back whenever we were in the neighborhood. Last time we got close enough, we heard one of our own songs! That was when we knew that you were still alive, so we came back to get you."

"Whoa," Gonzo breathed. He never remembered learning that song; he'd somehow always known it. It must have been part of the childhood he didn't remember.

"Listen, I've got to get off the line so we can get the rest of the data from the satellite. We'll be lined up again tomorrow, so how about we continue this then?"

"Okay. Oh, one thing-You haven't been leaving messages anywhere, like, say, using fridge magnets, have you?"

"Nope. Why?"

"Oh, nothing." Gonzo had suspected that the request for 'a party with lots of hot space womens, okay' spelled out fifteen inches above the floor had not been a long-distance message.

"Okay. Talk to you later."

The sandwich stopped speaking. Gonzo waited for a moment, then said, "You still there?" When it did not respond, he picked it up and began to eat it.

Fozzie said, "You're _eating_ that?"

"Sure. It's my lunch."

"But it was just talking to you!"

Gonzo explained, "Not really. Brian was just talking through it. Like a walkie-talkie, but edible."

"O-kay," Fozzie said.

Several hens had been among the spectators. Now, seeing that the show was over, one came up to Gonzo and clucked at him. Concerned, he said, "She is?" The chicken nodded and clucked some more. "Okay," he said, and left the table.

The kitchen looked like the inside of a blender. Brightly colored, fruity-smelling masses were scattered around, and loops of bread dough festooned the walls and ceiling. The Swedish Chef was still working on his pöpøvër recipe. It looked as though he had been using gunpowder instead of baking soda in the pastry. But he was working from inspiration, creating and taking risks. Gonzo respected that.

"Gör din näsa skådåd?" the Chef inquired.

"No thanks, I'm good," Gonzo answered.

The Chef shrugged and went back to chopping up a grapefruit. Gonzo found a clean bowl and added a packet of dry oatmeal and some milk. He put that in the microwave for a minute, then stirred it up. He carried it out of the kitchen, picked up his sandwich-disappointing several rats, who had been warily approaching it, alert for signs of life-and went up the stairs.

* * *

He went up to the balcony where the chickens roosted. All but one had gone downstairs to eat. Gonzo set the oatmeal in front of Camilla and said, "You not feeling well, baby?"

She nodded and clucked listlessly at him, then pecked hungrily at the oatmeal. Her eyes looked tired and her wattles were pale. He sat in the next nest over and gently stroked her rumpled feathers. While she had her breakfast he ate his sandwich one-handedly. When she was done she clucked her thanks. He asked, "Now, what's wrong?"

She replied. He said, "You've laid lots of eggs."

She shook her head and squawked emphatically. Then she stood. There, in the nest below her, was a very large egg. Carefully Gonzo picked it up. It was heavy in his hands; he would guess it was twice the size of the eggs she normally laid. "Wow, no wonder you don't feel so good. Are you sure you laid this?" At her indignant squawk he quickly said, "Sorry, I didn't mean it that way. That must have been rough. I'll bet it's a double-yolker."

She tilted her head and clucked inquisitively. She had heard of such things, but none of the eggs she and her fellow chickens had provided for the others' breakfasts over the years had had two yolks.

He said, "Sure, I can candle it. Give me a minute." Carefully he placed the egg back in her nest, and she sat back down on it.

Gonzo went to his room and found a medium-sized box. It had a small circular hole in the top, and inside was a flashlight. He flicked it on to make sure the batteries were still good. He took this setup-which he had not used for years now; it had been a long time since any of the hens had needed an egg candled-to the balcony. Once there, he set the flashlight on its end and turned it on so it shone upward. Then he put the box over it so the light was only visible through the hole. He set the egg gently on top of the hole, making it seem to glow like a light bulb.

They both peered at the egg. Gonzo searched for the shadows of two yolks, but they weren't as distinct as he expected. Thinking that one must be behind the other, he turned the egg. The mass in the center was one single yolk, much larger than it should have been. It took up more than half of the space within the shell. And there was a dark spot on one side.

Camilla and Gonzo both stared in surprise. Then she clucked urgently and stood up. Carefully he picked the egg up in both hands and put it back in her nest. Camilla settled down on it again and fluffed her feathers. Gonzo sat beside her again and put his arm around her, not daring to speak.

* * *

All characters are copyright © The Muppets Studio, LLC, and are used without permission but with much respect and affection. This story is copyright © Kim McFarland (negaduck9 at aol dot com). Permission is given by the author to copy it for personal use only.

If you like this story, please check out my website, "The Negapage," where you can find lots my works.


	2. A Bunch of Bull

**Muppets from Earth  
Part 2: A Bunch of Bull**  
by Kim McFarland

* * *

Gonzo and Camilla has both just received a shock. The egg Camilla had laid-which was so big that Gonzo had at first assumed it was a double-yolker-looked like a live one. They had seen a small, distinct shadow on one side of the yolk. Sometimes hens laid eggs with small spots that never amounted to anything, Gonzo knew. He looked down at Camilla, who was in the nest next to him. It was not a complex issue for her. She had laid what she believed to be a viable egg, so she brooded it.

Life wasn't complicated for chickens, Gonzo thought as he stroked her feathers. He would never say that out loud, as it would sound like a slur, but it was true. This simplicity was one of their virtues, in his opinion. Women were baffling, but hens were easy to understand. You knew where you stood with a chicken.

The other chickens eventually returned to the balcony that served as their coop. Seeing Gonzo and Camilla sitting together quietly, his arm around her, one of the hens clucked inquisitively to Camilla. She replied quietly, but with unmistakable pride in her voice. Then the other hen burst into an excited gabble. It had been years since any of them had hatched an egg due to the dearth of roosters in the area. One started to make a sly remark to Gonzo, but a sharp squawk from Camilla cut her off. She stood up, and the other hens peered at the egg, remarking on its size.

_Look at her_, Gonzo thought. Camilla was so happy. Smug, even. She was going to be disappointed when this egg didn't hatch. It couldn't, he knew. If it were possible for them to have children it would have happened long ago. There was no point in telling her that now, though. In a few days he would candle it again, and they would see the evidence. For now, let her be happy.

"You feeling better, Camilla?" he said softly.

"Uh-huh," she answered. She still looked tired, but her spirits were much higher.

* * *

Later that day Rizzo the Rat went into the room he shared with Gonzo. Gonzo glanced over. Rizzo said, "What's up? You're not moping again, are ya?"

"Nah. I'm just thinking."

"It never hurts to try something new." Gonzo smiled; he knew the rat was only teasing. "Anyway, ya wanna get your tail downstairs? We got a bull session, remember?"

"Okay." Gonzo rolled off the bed and landed on his feet.

The two went down the stairs. Everyone had gathered in and around the living room. The sofa and all the chairs were covered with Muppets of every kind. People sat on the stairs as if they were bleachers. When the improvised seating ran out, they sat on the floor. Everyone was chattering indiscriminately with everyone else. The back of the sofa was occupied by a line of hens. Camilla was not among them, Gonzo noted. One of them called to him and scooted over to make room. He climbed up the back of the couch and said, "Thanks, girls."

Kermit sat on a chair in one corner, where he could see almost everyone else. Although he had called this meeting to discuss the upcoming show, he had no written agenda and had brought nothing to write on. Tonight's session was for brainstorming. He judged that everyone was here who was going to be, and said, "All right, all right, settle down."

After several successively-louder tries the chatter died down, except for one voice, which continued after the others: "And then, like, my _father_ saw that picture I posed for... oh."

After Janice trailed off Kermit said, "In a few weeks we'll be back in the theater. All the structural damage has been repaired and the building's been reinforced, so it ought to last at least another ten years, even with the kind of punishment we dish out."

Rizzo spoke up. "You figuring Crazy Harry, Gonzo, and Animal in that estimate?"

"Of course," the frog replied.

Bunsen said from the hallway, "I have perfected a formula that will increase the structural strength of any substance a thousandfold. If painted on the walls, it will be as effective as inch-thick steel plating."

Simultaneously intrigued and worried, Kermit said, "You have? Say, where's Beaker?"

"He's downstairs," Bunsen replied. "He spilled some of it on himself. He'll be out and about again once I perfect the solvent."

Kermit pictured a stiff-as-a-board Beaker leaning against the wall of the basement lab. Well, it wouldn't be the worst he had endured in the name of science. "Uh, okay. Right now let's talk about acts. What can we do that we haven't done before?"

Sam the Eagle spoke up immediately. "Despite my best efforts, we have continually failed to bring to the masses the cultural enlightenment that I know we are capable of. _Some_ of us, at least," he added, glowering around the room. "What better way to begin this next chapter of our history than with an introduction to the best that the American culture has to offer?"

"Because we can't afford to give out burgers and fries," Floyd replied, to general laughter.

"Must you long-haired freaks ridicule all that is pure and good in this nation?" Sam demanded.

"Show us some and we'll do our best." More laughter.

Kermit said, "Sam, we'll see if we can work something in."

"We could begin the show with the Pledge of Allegiance," the eagle declared.

Everyone else groaned. Kermit, after a pause, said, "Yeah... we _could_." Under what circumstances that might happen he could not imagine, but it wasn't _impossible_, technically speaking.

Miss Piggy said, "Really, Kermie, we should be more concerned with the core of the show. What people come to our show to see. The stars."

Grateful that someone beside him had brought the discussion back on topic, Kermit said, "I have been giving some thought to guest stars-"

"Oh, them too," Piggy said curtly. _"Moi_ was considering performing _Mein Herr."_

"Yeah, that'd slide right past the censors," Clifford remarked.

Kermit knew the song, and it was a bit racy for their show, but perhaps she already had something in mind for that. And, who knows, it just might work. She had good instincts when it came to her own acts. "Not bad, Piggy. Let's see where that idea goes."

The doorbell rang. A ragged cheer went up from the assemblage. Animal made a rush for the door, knocking over various Muppets on his way, then was jerked off his feet when he reached the end of his chain. Kermit opened the door. A nervous-looking delivery person was standing well back. Even if he had not seen her earlier, Kermit would have known she had been here before. People quickly learned to be cautious because they never knew what would answer the door. He paid for the pizzas from the collection they had taken up earlier-which was nearly all one dollar bills-and he and Fozzie carried the boxes to the dining room and set them, open, on the table. People grabbed slices and went back into the living room to continue the discussion.

Gonzo claimed a piece of pizza and a few chili peppers, but instead of returning to the living room he went back upstairs.

He went to the balcony. All the other hens were in the meeting, leaving Camilla by herself. She looked better now. She tilted her head and clucked a question. He said, "Nah, it's okay. I don't have anything to say anyhow." He separated the crust from his pizza and offered it to her. She clucked thanks and began nipping at the delicacy. As long as they had chickens, they would never have leftover pizza crusts, he reflected as he watched her.

When she had finished Gonzo said, "Want some more?" She shook her head and made a soft, contented sound, then leaned against him and closed her eyes. He put his arms around her and thought, _She looks so happy. I wish I knew what to hope for._

* * *

Gonzo, Camilla, Rizzo, and all other characters mentioned are copyright © The Muppets Studio, LLC and are used without permission but with much respect and affection. This story is copyright © Kim McFarland (negaduck9 at aol dot com). Permission is given by the author to copy it for personal use only.

If you like this story, please check out my website, "The Negapage," where you can find lots my works. 


	3. Lunch Break

**Muppets from Earth  
Part 3: Lunch Break**  
by Kim McFarland

* * *

Gonzo assembled the egg candler on the chickens' balcony while Camilla and the other hens watched eagerly. It had been a week since Camilla had laid her egg, which, surprisingly, was a singleton. Usually hens laid eggs in clutches of eight to a dozen. Considering the size of the egg she had laid and how hard it had been on her, it was a good thing there had been no more.

He had been putting this off. Camilla had been so excited when the first candling showed a spot inside her egg. Gonzo had had his doubts, however. He did not believe that he and Camilla could produce a child, but he would not argue the point with her. He couldn't bring himself to spoil her happiness. He knew that chickens routinely raised chicks, but he hadn't realized how much joy they took in that. She was going to be so disappointed, he thought. He hoped he would be able to comfort her.

Camilla watched from a chair that had been pulled up by the candler so she would have a good view. He placed a box with a hole in the top over a lit flashlight, then carefully lifted the egg out of its nest with both hands. He set it on top of the hole so the light could illuminate it.

From the side, the interior of the egg showed faint, indistinct shadows. The audience of hens peered at it from their boxes, making soft grumbling noises because they could not see anything clearly. It was morning, with the sun slanting into the balcony, and there was no way to darken the balcony and allow them to see more detail. Gonzo, looking at it from above, paused, eyes wide. Then he cupped his hands around the egg as if to gather the light.

Camilla fluttered her wings and craned her neck forward, clucking a worried interrogative. Gonzo looked up at her with a stunned expression. He tilted his hands so she could see the egg clearly. The dark spot was larger now, and was surrounded by what looked like a spiderweb. She gazed at it for a time, making soft sounds under her breath. Then she fluttered back to her nest and, standing up, clucked urgently.

Unable to speak, Gonzo lifted the egg off the box and placed it back under her. She settled comfortably down on it and rubbed the side of her beak affectionately against his nose. Neither paid attention to the excited murmuring of the other hens.

* * *

Several hours later Gonzo went downstairs again. It was the middle of the lunch rush, which meant that the kitchen looked like a combat zone, especially when people skirmished over the last of the lunchmeat. Gonzo made his usual 'hunter's sandwich,' which was filled with whatever he could hunt up, with peppers on the side. Strangely enough, there was not as much competition for the peppers.

Kermit the Frog happened to be in the kitchen at the time, and saw Gonzo make his lunch silently, not meeting anyone's eyes. Uh-oh. He'd seen this before. When Gonzo started to go into the dining room Kermit said, "Gonzo."

Gonzo looked up, startled. "Huh?"

Kermit nodded at the other door. "Want to eat outside with me?"

"Okay."

They carried their lunches outside, into the back yard. They passed by the Jacuzzi, which was occupied by an assortment of pigs, penguins, and whatever Clifford was. A boom box thumped out bass lines that likely registered on nearby seismographs. The sound was attenuated enough at the far end of the back yard to allow for normal conversation.

They sat on a bench. Kermit had made himself a salad, and had brought a small plate with a dollop of honey for dessert. He didn't want the honey so much as the insects it attracted. Some people got squeamish about that; Gonzo didn't seem to notice.

There was nobody else nearby, and the music would cover their conversation, should anyone wander over. Kermit asked, "How's Camilla?"

"She's fine," Gonzo replied in a bland voice.

"I wondered why I hadn't seen her lately. At least, I don't think I have." Kermit could not tell the chickens apart. Few people could.

Gonzo shrugged. "She's okay."

"It's just that, well, you seem preoccupied lately. You haven't even come up with any new ways to risk maiming yourself on stage. That's not like you."

"We're _fine," _Gonzo said firmly.

"Okay," Kermit said. He began eating his salad quietly.

Gonzo picked up his sandwich, then stopped. After a few moments he said, "There is something..."

"Do you want to talk about it?" Kermit asked.

"Yeah, I guess so." He put the sandwich down again. "Camilla laid an egg last week. A live one. I candled it. We're going to have a baby."

Kermit stopped eating and looked at Gonzo in surprise. Gonzo said, "Yeah. I don't know what to think. I mean, I never thought it was possible. She's a chicken, and I'm not even a bird." He shook his head. "If it was gonna happen, it should've happened years ago."

Kermit managed to say, "Sounds like one of those one-in-a-million things."

"A million, nah. Probably thousands, but who counts?" He forced a laugh.

Trying not to think too much about that, Kermit asked, "How does Camilla feel about it?"

"She's fine. She's happy. _Really_ happy. 'Happy as a hen on a nest' isn't a saying, but it ought to be. All the others hens are jealous and trying not to show it. When she wants to take a break, they all want to egg-sit for her." He looked away. "I didn't know she wanted chicks. She never said..."

"How about you?"

Gonzo sighed. "I don't know. I mean, I really don't know what to think about it. What do I know about kids? I can't even remember most of my own childhood. What kind of father will I be?" His voice caught.

Kermit put an arm around Gonzo's shoulders and waited for him to pull himself together. After a bit he continued, "I just don't know what to do. But... I know I don't want that egg _not_ to hatch."

Kermit nodded. "Yeah," he said softly.

Gonzo looked back at Kermit. "Please, don't spread this around. People are gonna find out soon enough, but I need to think about things first. And I don't want anyone to bother Camilla."

"Sure thing," Kermit said softly. "Anytime you need someone to talk to."

"Thanks." He hugged Kermit briefly.

Kermit finished his salad. Gonzo said nothing else, content just to sit with his friend. He watched without flinching as Kermit ate the bugs that had been attracted by the honey. Then Kermit said, "I gotta go back in and get with Piggy on an act she's planning. You coming in?"

"Nah, I'll stay out here a little longer."

"Okay. See you." Kermit picked up his plates and headed back for the house. Gonzo realized that he had forgotten to eat his own lunch. He was about to pick the sandwich up when it spoke. "Hey, it's me."

"Oh. Hi, Brian," Gonzo said, only mildly surprised.

"Listen, I overheard what you were talking about. I didn't realize it was private until it was too late. Sorry. Anyway, congratulations. Don't worry, you'll be fine once you get the hang of it."

"Thanks. But I don't know anything about raising kids. I don't even know what babies of our kind eat!"

The sandwich assured him, "Don't worry about it. It'll be a chicken. Camilla ought to know how to raise it."

"How do you know that?" Gonzo exclaimed.

"Trust me on this."

"What? What do you know about it?"

"It's not that important."

"Tell me anyway."

Brian hesitated uncomfortably. "I'd really rather not go into this..."

"Just tell me!"

"Well it's like this. Genetic code is very intricate, and every planet uses different chemicals. Even when aliens look the same-two arms, two legs, head on top-they all use different DNA codes, if they have DNA at all."

Gonzo didn't like where this was heading. "So what?"

The sandwich sighed. "Gonzo, You can't cross people from different planets. It never works. The chemistry's all wrong."

"So, you think that egg has nothing to do with me?"

"Look, I didn't _say_ that. But... well, you know."

"Whatever." Gonzo picked up the plate, holding the sandwich down with one thumb and headed back to the house. Brian tried to speak again; Gonzo pressed harder to hold it closed. When he reached the kitchen he dumped his lunch, peppers and all, into the trash can.

* * *

Gonzo, Camilla, Rizzo, and all other characters mentioned are copyright © The Muppets Studio, LLC and are used without permission but with much respect and affection. This story is copyright © Kim McFarland (negaduck9 at aol dot com). Permission is given by the author to copy it for personal use only.

If you like this story, please check out my website, "The Negapage," where you can find lots my works. 


	4. Off the Rails

**Muppets from Earth  
Part 4: Off the Rails**  
by Kim McFarland

* * *

Another week had passed. Camilla's egg, which at her insistence had been candled every few days, was thriving; the chick growing inside was a little larger each time. This made Camilla very happy.

What concerned her was Gonzo. He seemed to be afraid. The daredevil who did not fear pain or injury was scared of an _egg?_ That made no sense to her. They had been together for so long, she thought she knew him better than that.

There were things that upset him, she knew. He could not take being lonely. Without the support of his friends he became unhappy. As a chicken, a flocking bird, she could understand that. In fact, she found it strange that some people actually preferred solitude. He was far from alone now, however. But maybe she had been paying more attention to the egg than to him lately. That would never have bothered a rooster... but, as she had to remind herself every so often, Gonzo was not a rooster. He would not just move on to another hen if his favorite was busy. There had been a time, early on, when he had dated them all indiscriminately. The chickens had considered normal roosterish behavior, and in fact it had helped make him more acceptable to their flock. But after the other hens had lost interest in him-he was simply too odd for them, and the joke wore thin after a while-Camilla stayed with him. She had become more attached to him than hens normally did to roosters, and he treated her like gold. The other hens regarded that relationship but strange, but she knew that right now any one of them would trade places with her if they could.

She would talk to him about it, she decided. She was not terribly articulate, but she was a good listener, and that worked just as well.

As if on cue, the balcony door opened and Gonzo stepped through. He asked, "Camilla, could you come with me?"

She nodded, wondering about his serious tone of voice. She clucked to Bernice, who agreed eagerly. Camilla stepped off her nest, and Bernice took her place on the egg. Camilla asked a different hen every time, otherwise they might get jealous and squabble, and Camilla would not have that in the vicinity of her egg!

As Gonzo led her down the stairs she clucked. He replied, "Nothing's wrong. I just wanted to talk with you alone, that's all." She could understand that; privacy was a rare thing in that well-populated boarding house.

They went around the side of the building, where the Electric Mayhem's bus was parked. Camilla smiled. It was an open secret that the bus was sometimes used as a rendez-vous point for those who needed a little more privacy than the boarding house could offer. The band was cool with it; in fact, Janice was the one who had tipped Gonzo off. A pity it didn't look like he was in a romantic mood, she thought. But maybe she could change that.

He checked to make sure the bus was unoccupied, then pulled the door open by the rubber flap and held it while she entered. Inside, they took one of the seats. He put an arm around her. She leaned against him affectionately.

He began, "I know I've been acting a little funny lately. I hope it didn't worry you too much. I just... I'm just surprised."

_So was I_, she replied

He nodded, looking away. After a few moments he continued, "I didn't know how much you wanted chicks. You never said anything, so I didn't think about it."

She waited, watching him expectantly. "I still... to tell the truth, I don't know how I feel about it. But I know I want you to be happy. I want you to hatch that egg. You'll be a terrific mother, I'll bet."

She clucked softly, encouraging him to continue. He said, "I guess what scares me is that I don't know what kind of father I'll be. I didn't have much experience with a family when I was a kid, so I don't know how it's supposed to go. But I'll try. I'll do my best. When the time comes, I'll be ready, I promise."

_You'll be fine,_ she replied. _I'll show you how._

"I hope you're right, Camilla," he said softly. "I love you, and I'll learn to love whatever you hatch."

She looked up at him, puzzled by the odd phrasing. _What do you mean?_

He met her eyes and whispered, "Whether it looks like me or not, it'll still be ours, as far as I'm concerned."

_What? _she asked in disbelief.

Reluctantly he said, "Camilla, if it doesn't look like me... that's probably the only way we could have a family anyway, me being an alien and all. I understand. I won't get weird about it."

She squawked, _But I only laid one egg, and it's so big! Where do you **think** I got an egg like that?_

"It's okay, I believe you," he said quietly.

She squawked angrily. She had seen the little head-shake. He didn't believe her.

He turned toward her and put his other arm around her, pulling her into an embrace. "It's okay, that's all I'm saying. I love you. Don't worry about anything."

She squawked again. He instinct was to fight him, peck at him and slap him with her wings for accusing her of lying. But she held back, not wanting to pull away from him.

She was silent for a while. He could feel her tension in his arms. He pulled back just enough to see her face. The feathers below her eyes were damp, and he could see wet streaks on her wattles. "Oh, Camilla," he whispered as he brushed her tears away with the back of a finger. "I'm sorry..."

She said nothing. She only closed her eyes and pressed her face against his shoulder.

* * *

Evening had come by the time they returned to the boarding house. Another brainstorming session was in progress. As the stairway was currently in use as bleachers it was not easy to make their way upstairs. "Oh, _there_ you are," Scooter remarked.

"Sorry," Gonzo said. "We were talking."

"Like, they were probably off communing with the stars," Janice drawled impishly.

"Communing somehow, anyway," Dr. Teeth laughed.

Kermit said, "Leave them alone. Come on, let's get back on track."

Gonzo mentally thanked Kermit as he and Camilla made it the rest of the way upstairs. Bernice hopped off the nest to make way for Camilla, and went downstairs to join in the discussion and claim any leftover pizza crusts that happened to be available.

Camilla checked the egg out of habit, then settled down on it. Gonzo was still in the doorway when she turned back. He said earnestly, "It'll be all right. I promise."

She clucked halfheartedly and looked away.

He wanted to say something else, but he didn't know what would make this right. Instead of reassuring Camilla that she didn't need to worry or feel guilty, he had accused her of cheating on him. How he wished that he had never said anything. He would much rather have left it all unsaid than hurt her like this. After looking at her for a few moments, feeling as if his heart was being squeezed in a fist, he whispered, "I'm sorry..." She did not answer. He left the balcony and closed the door softly behind himself.

* * *

Gonzo, Camilla, Rizzo, and all other characters mentioned are copyright © The Muppets Studio, LLC and are used without permission but with much respect and affection. This story is copyright © Kim McFarland (negaduck9 at aol dot com). Permission is given by the author to copy it for personal use only.

If you like this story, please check out my website, "The Negapage," where you can find lots my works. 


	5. Two Guys Walk Into a Bar

**Muppets from Earth  
Part 5: Two Guys Walk Into a Bar...**  
by Kim McFarland

* * *

It was a dark and stormy night, minus the darkness, storm, and night. There was no bull session today; people were busily developing their own acts. Between the Electric Mayhem, Muppet Labs, and the various flocks, herds, and gaggles of performers, the Muppets' boarding house was a very noisy and eventful place.

Gonzo was in the basement. He had dug through one of the storage rooms behind the laboratory and found his old cannon. It was still in working order, as he had learned when he and Bunsen had collaborated to test both it and Bunsen's experimental tensile strengthener. The new formula had enabled a sheet of cardboard to survive a direct hit from a cannonball. A pity the wall behind the cardboard had not fared as well.

Gonzo had been cleaning the cannon for days now, restoring it to its former glory. It needed new paint; it had become chipped and scraped over the years. But even so it was still a thing of beauty to Gonzo. So many performances, so many injuries. It was not just a prop; it was an old friend.

He had found some of his other props down there, and had spent most of a day going through them, remembering old shows. Back then he had done stunt after stunt for the adrenaline rush, filling an empty spot within himself that he hadn't yet become aware of. And even after that spot had been filled he kept on doing stunts because they were fun. He _liked_ the adrenaline rush that came with risking his neck. It'd be great to fire himself out of a cannon again. He hadn't found the net that they used to catch him, but he could work around that.

When Gonzo came up from the basement carrying an armload of the old towels with which he had cleaned the cannon, the boarding house was thrumming with the sound of The Electric Mayhem's creative juices. Others were playing cards, watching TV, or even, against all odds, trying to read. He walked to the laundry room. The door would only open a little, and through the crack he could see a mound of cloth. He stuffed the towels through, one at a time, then went upstairs.

He passed by Fozzie's door. He and Rowlf were talking. Fozzie was telling the dog, "Sorry, but I really need to get a head start on my act. I want to be really funny."

"I thought Gags Beasley was writing your material."

"He was. But his phone's disconnected, and I don't know how else to reach him."

"Ouch. Still, sure you don't want to take a break? There are all sorts of barroom jokes, after all."

"Thanks, but I really need to sit down and write some new jokes," the bear said apologetically.

"Okay. But when you need to take a break, let me know."

"I will. Thanks, Rowlf."

The door closed. Rowlf noticed Gonzo. "Hi there. You been workin' on your act too?"

"It shows, huh?"

Rowlf looked Gonzo up and down. His clothes were grimy, and there was the telltale smell of burnt gunpowder. "Yup. I kinda wish I had an act to work on. Everyone's busy but me these days."

"Aren't you going to be in the show?"

"Oh, sure. But I'll be playing piano, probably, and until I know what song I can't rehearse. So I just tickle the ivories for fun." He practiced in the afternoons; the evenings were too noisy, and he couldn't relax and get into the music if he was competing for decibels with a rock band. "I was going to go take myself for a walk and get a beer. Want to come with me?"

"Sure," Gonzo replied. "Just let me change out of this."

"Meet you downstairs," Rowlf said.

* * *

When Gonzo met Rowlf at the front door he was wearing a green paisley button-down shirt, red-and-black vest, brown slacks, and wing tips. Not too bad, for Gonzo. Some of his dressier outfits made Rowlf wish that dogs really were colorblind.

As they went out into the cool evening air Rowlf said, "It's a bit of a walk. Hope ya don't mind."

"Nah," Gonzo replied.

Rowlf led the way down some side streets. At one point they went through a narrow passage between two buildings. Gonzo heard a low, threatening growl in the darkness. Rowlf replied, "Woof woof. Bark," and continued on as if nothing had happened. Gonzo followed him closely.

They crossed over some train tracks. On the other side was a shacklike building. A sign above the low, squarish door read "The Dog House." Gonzo reached for the knob, then stopped, puzzled. There was no doorknob.

"This is a dog bar. Think like a dog," Rowlf told Gonzo. He pushed on the bottom half of the door, which swung inward on hinges at the top. He held it while Gonzo entered, then let it flap back into place.

Gonzo looked around. It was a generic bar, he thought. Low-rent but not scuzzy. The clientele were all canines of various types. The barkeep, a dun-colored terrier, looked up, raised his eyebrows when he saw Gonzo, and said, "Where's the bear?"

"He was busy," Rowlf replied. "This's Gonzo. He's a friend of mine too."

The barkeep sniffed the air in Gonzo's general direction, then asked them both, "What'll ya have?"

"Beer for me. You?"

Gonzo asked, "How about absinthe?"

"Are you putting me on?" the barkeep asked, scowling.

Gonzo glanced at the list tacked to the wall. "Er, I'll have an Irish Setter Coffee. With a straw."

After giving Gonzo a strange look, the barkeep turned away to get the drinks. Gonzo took a small handful from a basket on the bar. Rowlf said, "Uh, Gonzo, that's not peanuts. That's kibble."

Gonzo looked at them for a moment, then ate the handful anyway. "Crunchy," he remarked.

Rowlf grinned and took some to munch on as well. When the barkeep returned with their drinks they carried them to a table. Rowlf said, "Sometimes Fozzie and I come here, and sometimes I come alone. It's a good place. You can hang out, play darts or poker, or if you don't want to people will leave you alone. I like it here."

"I didn't know Fozzie went to bars," Gonzo remarked, taking a sip of his drink.

"Yeah, he'll drink you under the table with 'Fizzy Poodles'."

"What's a 'Fizzy Poodle'?"

"Pink lemonade made with soda water."

Gonzo grinned. _That_ sounded like Fozzie.

They sat and people-watched for a while. Rowlf introduced Gonzo to some of his acquaintances, which involved exchanging polite sniffs. Not that Gonzo learned anything-despite his distinctive profile, his sense of smell was nothing special-but it seemed to be proper protocol.

Leaning back in his chair, Rowlf said, "So, what've you been up to?"

"About twenty-two inches," Gonzo replied.

"Wocka wocka."

"Heh. I've been fixing up my cannon. No matter what, a living cannonball act always brings 'em in."

"Yep. You haven't done that in ages, have you."

"Nope. I wanna think of something new to do with it, though. Just shooting myself out of it is old hat. But lately I haven't been too inspired."

"I bet you're just out of the groove. When we're in the theater again it'll start come back to you."

"Hope so," Gonzo said. "I just haven't been able to keep my mind on things lately."

"Yeah, if I just found out I came from space I'd be a little confused too," Rowlf agreed.

"Nah, I'm fine with that. What's got me worried... look, can you keep this to yourself?"

"I don't gossip," the dog replied.

This was true, Gonzo knew. Rowlf had never been one to spread rumors. "It's me and Camilla."

"Oh, I know that tale. Can't live with 'em, but what kind of life is it without 'em?" Rowlf said philosophically.

Gonzo couldn't remember ever having seen Rowlf with a date, but then Rowlf probably kept his private life private. "It's not quite like that. She's hatching an egg-"

_"Oh."_

"-and that's all right. I mean, chickens hatch eggs. It's what they do. But I said something stupid to her. It wouldn't be so bad if she got mad at me, but..." He shook his head.

"Have you tried saying you're sorry?"

"Yeah. Lots of times. I'd give anything if I could make her forget what I said. I don't know how to make it up to her."

"Mmm," Rowlf said. It sounded like standard girl trouble to him. The egg was an added complication, though.

"I think she'll get over it... but I feel rotten about it for upsetting her so bad. I wish I'd just kept my mouth shut. She was so happy about it up until then. The funny thing is, what I said, I thought it was gonna make things _better_." He took another sip.

So what had they fought about? He could guess, given the situation. He wouldn't ask, though. If Gonzo wanted to tell him, he would. Otherwise it was none of Rowlf's business. He said, "You've been together for years and years. You had to have fought before."

"Oh, we've had our moments," Gonzo said with a small smile. "Jeez, it's been over twenty years. I'd like twenty more. I can't imagine life without her. I love her, Rowlf. And I'll learn to love her chick."

_Her_ chick, Rowlf noticed. "Sounds to me like you want to settle down."

Gonzo leaned his head in his hand, one elbow on the table, and stirred his rapidly-cooling drink with its straw. "I didn't think about it that way, but... y'know, that's not so bad an idea. We've been keepin' on keepin' on for so long, I never really thought about it. I sure didn't expect to start a family now... but if not now, when?"

Rowlf took a drink. Gonzo had never even thought about it before? Rowlf had a hard time believing that-but then, he had a hard time believing a lot of things about Gonzo. He was one of those things you just had to accept on his own terms.

Gonzo thought, he really did want to spend the rest of his life with Camilla. He'd like to marry her. That would tie everything together nicely, wouldn't it? He liked the idea. Why hadn't it occurred to him before?

Rowlf finished his beer while Gonzo sat there thinking. "I'm gonna get another. How about you?"

"I'm good," Gonzo replied distractedly.

Rowlf nodded and went to the bar. When he came back a few minutes later with a fresh mug Gonzo said, "Thanks, Rowlf. I guess I needed this."

"No problem," the dog grinned and saluted with his mug. "Everyone needs to get away and unwind every so often."

"Yeah. Say, you want to play darts?"

"Sure."

They went over to the dart board and pulled the darts out. Rowlf stepped back to the line. Gonzo remained by the target. At Rowlf's questioning look Gonzo said, "I'll be goalie."

"You'll be _what?"_

"I'll be goalie. Try to get one past me."

"Oh, get over here."

"C'mon, it'll be cool!"

Rowlf shook his head. "Gonzo, I'm not throwing darts at you. Save the stunts for the show."

"Oh, all right," Gonzo said, and went over to the line. Rowlf handed him the yellow darts, keeping the green ones for himself. Gonzo looked at the darts in his hand. Was there an act in this? Maybe if they were bigger; these little things wouldn't make much impression on a stage.

* * *

They played several rounds of darts. Neither scored very high, but at least they hit the target most of the time. After visiting the room marked with a hydrant-another dog joke; the bathroom had the normal facilities-they left to go back home.

The lights were flashing where the street crossed the railroad tracks. Looking down the tracks, they saw that they had plenty of time, and crossed. Rowlf was about to continue on when Gonzo said, "Wait."

"For what?" Rowlf said.

"There's something I used to do all the time when I was a kid," he said, grinning.

"Is this some kind of stunt?"

"Nah. Just wait."

They watched the train approach. The ground thrummed under their feet. The sound of the engine became louder and louder as it approached, and suddenly was near deafening as the cars rushed by them, a wall of speeding metal. Gonzo drew in a deep breath and screamed at the top of his lungs.

Rowlf stared at him, startled. Gonzo's shriek went on and on, only breaking as he drew in another breath. Then Rowlf mentally shrugged, threw back his head, and howled.

When the train had passed by Gonzo doubled over, laughing. Rowlf asked, "What was that all about?"

It took Gonzo a minute to regain his composure. When he finally could speak again he said, "Wow, I haven't done that in ages! I used to do that all the time when I was a kid. Find some train tracks and scream my head off when nobody could hear me over the noise. I always felt a whole lot better afterward, too. I guess that's why dogs howl, isn't it?"

"Well, sometimes," Rowlf said. "Come on, let's go home."

"Sure," Gonzo said. He started off ahead of Rowlf, a spring in his step.

* * *

Gonzo, Camilla, Rizzo, and all other characters mentioned are copyright © The Muppets Studio, LLC and are used without permission but with much respect and affection. This story is copyright © Kim McFarland (negaduck9 at aol dot com). Permission is given by the author to copy it for personal use only.

If you like this story, please check out my website, "The Negapage," where you can find lots my works. 


	6. The Eye of The Storm

**Muppets from Earth  
Part 6: The Eye of The Storm**  
by Kim McFarland

* * *

"Okay, how about this one. These three strings walk up to a bar, and they see a sign on the door that says 'no strings allowed.' The first string says to the others, 'Don't worry about it, I'll get us in.' But when he goes in, the bouncer stops him, says 'We don't serve strings here,' and kicks him out."

"Okay," Kermit said.

Fozzie Bear glanced down at the paper in his hand. "Then the second string says, 'I bet I can get around that guy.' So he goes in, and a minute later the bartender throws him out too."

"Yeah," Rowlf said.

"So then the third string says, 'I've got an idea. Watch this.' He ties a knot in his middle and teases both ends so they look like brushes. Then he walks into the bar. The bouncer says, 'What are you, another string?' And the string says, 'No, I'm a frayed knot!'"

Fozzie's sounding board-Rowlf, Kermit, Scooter, and Gonzo, also known as those who happened to be having lunch at the time-grinned and chuckled at the joke. Fozzie looked startled for a moment, then said triumphantly, "A keeper! Who needs ya, Gags Beasley!" Then, suddenly worried, he asked, "You weren't just humoring me, were you?"

"Nah, that one was pretty good," Scooter told him.

"Great!" The bear hustled away to add that joke to his collection.

"I bet he'll be as funny with his own material as he was with Gags'," Rowlf remarked.

"We'll see," said Kermit in a neutral tone of voice.

Gonzo could guess what Kermit as thinking: Gags' material wasn't all that great anyway. There was The Banana Sketch, but what funny stuff had he written for Fozzie since then? Maybe Fozzie could write funnier jokes on his own. It could happen.

Gonzo glanced down at his soup, then stirred it. The noodles kept moving on their own, trying to line up. Why did it have to be alphabet soup?

"Been thinking about guest stars?" Rowlf asked Kermit.

"I've been thinking, but I haven't called anyone yet. I'll have to see what kind of budget we have to work with first," Kermit replied.

"We could mow a lot of lawns," Scooter piped up.

"Have you thought of writing for Fozzie?" Rowlf inquired.

Scooter said, "Seriously, there has to be something we can do to raise cash and get a little publicity for the theater too. It'd sure be better than taking out more loans."

"You're telling me," Kermit said. If they had not renovated the theater it would have been closed down permanently. He could not afford the construction work and keep everyone on payroll at the same time, but he was loath to temporarily lay everyone off after all the years they had worked together. After all, they had to make a living too. The solution-buying an abandoned building, which after many years on the market had been cheap-so that everyone would have a place to live during the lean time was a perfectly cockamamie idea, which meant it fit the Muppets perfectly.

"If we're talking about publicity, you know who ought to be here," Rowlf told Kermit.

Scooter said, "He's right. We can take out all the ads we want, but the real way to get people excited-within our budget-is to get someone involved who has some leverage with the media."

Kermit looked around the table. Everyone was nodding in agreement. "You're right. It's time to bring in the big guns." He got up from the table, then went up the stairs toward Miss Piggy's room.

Gonzo finished his soup and carried the bowl into the kitchen. It was exciting, preparing to do live shows again. They had been making movies and doing TV for years, but there was nothing like the immediacy of a live audience. It felt so much more _real_ that way. Cameras only watched and recorded; an audience reacted, rewarding or punishing the performers right then and there rather than letting the critics do the job months or even years later. There's nothing like hearing the crowd gasp in amazement as you soar overhead, then get dragged out of the hole in the wall by your feet.

* * *

Gonzo arrived on the balcony with a bowl of oatmeal for Camilla. Chickens did not have adventurous taste in food, which made her easy to cook for while she was on the nest.

In the past few days Gonzo had made up to Camilla. After enough apologies she had forgiven him, and, indescribably relieved, he had resolved to drop the matter entirely. She could hatch out a sea turtle and he would say nothing. There was still residual tension in the air, but that would fade in time.

She clucked a question before she began to eat. He replied, "Pretty good. We're thinking about publicity. The acts are well on their way. It's starting to get fun."

She asked another question. "I'm sure. When have we _not_ had room in the act for a flock of chickens?" She clucked. "Your figure's just fine." She gave him a look through narrowed eyes. Quickly he decided to divert the discussion, and said, "Well, if you're worried about that, we could go out dancing. We haven't done that in a while."

She nodded and smiled. Gonzo was an enthusiastic and energetic, if unconventional, dancer. It would do her drumsticks good, and she said so.

He grinned. "That's the spirit. How about tonight?"

She nodded again, and clucked. He knew that she would have no problem getting an egg-sitter; all the other hens were quite willing to lend a hand, so to speak.

When she finished her meal she stood, revealing the egg. Gonzo turned on the flashlight in the egg candler-he hadn't bothered to disassemble it in a while-and set the egg on top. The light shining in revealed the chick developing within.

Camilla clucked quietly. Gonzo replied, "I don't know-it's been over two weeks since you laid the egg, but it doesn't look like it'll hatch in another week. It seems healthy, though." They could both see it moving within the shell. "I guess it's just developing slower than a chicken usually does."

She clucked softly. He replied, "Yeah, it's got more shell to fill too." He _hoped_ that was the reason.

He set the egg back in her nest, and she covered it again. He dithered a bit. He had something to bring up with her, but he didn't have his guitar, and getting it now... somehow, the scene he had planned-broaching the subject with a song-seemed corny now. So instead he sat by her and put an arm around her. _Just say it_, he told himself. "Camilla, will you marry me?"

She squawked, surprised, and looked at him. He said, "I know chickens don't usually marry. And I don't know if my kind do or not. But I want to marry you anyway. I want to be with you for the rest of my life."

She made a soft sound in her throat and leaned against him. After a minute she clucked a question. He answered, "No, we don't _need_ to. We've been happy together for so long. They call getting married 'settling down,' and, well, we've got a head start on that, haven't we?" He smiled at her.

She nodded and rubbed her beak against his cheek.

He continued, "Besides... I want our chick to hatch into a real family. I _really_ do."

She could tell that something was weighing on his mind; it was plain in his voice. She asked what it was.

He answered, "Camilla, there are some things I don't tell people because... well, I just don't like to. But I guess you ought to know."

She nodded encouragingly. He told her about how he could not remember his past before he had been found on Earth. A foundling of unknown origin, he had been placed with foster families, one after the other, all of which he had failed to bond with for no reason anyone could name. How, unable to tolerate the prospect of being shuffled from family to family any more, he had run away at age fourteen and lived on the street for the next six years, earning money for food by busking in parks, and scavenging when that did not see him through. By the time he finished his voice had sunk to a whisper. "I'm not telling you about this so you'll feel sorry for me. All that's over with, and I turned out all right, after all. It's just... having a real family is _important."_

She clucked softly to him. He said, "I know that'll never happen to our kid. But, still... Camilla, you know what I'm like. I can't promise I'll never make you mad and we'll never fight again. But I'll do my best to make you happy and be a good father."

She clucked a question. He smiled and answered, "I don't think there are any customs for couples like us. We'd get to decide how we want to live. It's our lives, after all." She clucked again. "Nah, I don't want to move either."

She was quiet for a while, leaning against him. He stroked her feathers gently, letting her think. After a while he said, "I think the main thing is that it's a promise to share our lives. That's what I really want. We've been doing that anyway."

She asked another question. He answered, "Where would you wear a ring?"

She lifted one leg in front of herself. "Like an ankle bracelet? You could, but wouldn't it clank against your foot? That sounds uncomfortable." She lowered her foot again. "Anyway, that doesn't matter, we can figure something out. Maybe put it on a necklace."

She clucked, and Gonzo laughed. _"Can_ you have your comb pierced?" She nodded, and reminded him of the punk chickens they sometimes saw at dance clubs. Still grinning, he told her, "Well, if that's what you really want, but you don't have to wear a ring at all if you don't want to. Anyway, we can decide about stuff like that later. If you say yes."

She clucked thoughtfully. They sat together quietly for a while, content just to be together.

* * *

Some time later Gonzo said, "Take your time and think about it, okay? And... whatever you answer, either way, I'll still love you."

He had opened the door to leave when she clucked once. He stopped and looked back at her, eyes wide. Then he rushed back to her nest and, careful not to jostle her on the egg, embraced her.

* * *

All characters are copyright © The Muppets Studio, LLC and are used without permission but with much respect and affection. This story is copyright © Kim McFarland (negaduck9 at aol dot com). Permission is given by the author to copy it for personal use only.

If you like this story, please check out my website, "The Negapage," where you can find lots my works. 


	7. Inhumanity

**Muppets from Earth  
Part 7: Inhumanity**  
by Kim McFarland

* * *

It was a bright and sunny morning. Birds were chirping in the trees, making beautiful music that, if translated, would be revealed as declarations of territoriality and attempts to get a date.

Some of the Muppets were already awake and eating breakfast. Miss Piggy was about to leave for her job at a local television station. Her job title, however, had been a matter of some debate since she had run out of Dr. Honeydew's mind control spray. She insisted that she was a vital part of the news staff; however, she hadn't been seen in front of the camera in some time. Pepe the King Prawn had asked her about that once, and his persistence had gotten him into hot water.

Kermit was also at the table, wearing his robe. He was going to look over the theater that day. The renovation was just about finished, and he wanted to make sure everything was shipshape before they moved in again. Fozzie, Scooter, and Rowlf would be with him. Kermit had considered bringing Rizzo along-the rat had a nose for little things that others might miss-but it was unlikely that they would see him before the crack of noon. Pepe might end up being his substitute, if they could not find a way to avoid that.

Gonzo came down the stairs amid a quorum of chickens. He was wearing his checkerboard suit, which made Kermit's eyes water if he stared at it at close range. They bustled into the kitchen, which had been ominously quiet so far.

The kitchen was not particularly messy. The Swedish Chef was cooking an omelet. Gonzo handed over the hens' daily contribution of eggs, then looked around. The Chef usually laid out a smørgasbörd, which meant that anything deemed appropriate for that meal would be set out on the various counters, tables, and any other available horizontal surfaces in the kitchen. Gonzo collected some bacon and fruit salad-well, mostly fruit-and, seeing no bread around, asked, "Is there any toast?"

"Der brœd is reëzïng," answered the Chef.

Gonzo glanced around again. The Chef pointed at the ceiling. Gonzo looked up and said "Oh."

At the table, Gonzo poured some coffee while the chickens mixed granola with their bowl of fruit salad. Perched on the arms of one chair, they ate from the same bowl, except for Camilla, who sat on the arm of Gonzo's chair and ate from her own. Kermit said, "We're going to inspect the theater today. Want to help out?"

"Sorry, Kermit, but, um, I've already got plans," Gonzo said.

"Is that why you're all dressed up?" asked Fozzie.

Gonzo answered, "Yeah," and glanced at Camilla.

Pepe piped up, "You can never start too early, hah hah hah!"

At the leer in his voice the chickens all exchanged glances, then burst into cackling laughter. Pepe said, "What? I was not making a joke, okay."

Fozzie said, "I don't get it either."

Kermit noted that Gonzo was hiding a grin. He didn't think much about it; Gonzo was the only one at the table who could understand a joke told by a chicken.

Gonzo and Camilla finished their breakfasts quickly. They took their dishes back to the kitchen, then returned. Gonzo put his arm around her and said, "Kermit, guys-Camilla and I are going to get married. We're gonna go get a marriage license today."

Miss Piggy gaped in shock. Scooter said, "You are? Congratulations!"

Fozzie said, "Yeah!"

Gonzo smiled. "Thanks. And I might as well come clean; we're expecting a chick. That's why I've been acting a little funny these past few weeks. It's a lot to get used to. But it pushed me in a direction I wanted to go anyway. So, well-now you know. Wish us luck!"

Kermit said, "Good luck!"

"Thanks. See you later!" Still grinning, he and Camilla swept out the door to head for the bus stop.

_"Dios mio!_ Who would have thought that he was such the ladies' man?" Pepe exclaimed.

"Chicken's man," Rowlf corrected him. The chickens squawked at him. "Oops. Sorry, ladies."

Miss Piggy, finally finding her voice, exclaimed, "Buzzard Beak is getting _married? _And starting a _family?"_

"Yeah. Isn't it neat?" Scooter said.

_"Neat?"_ she said. She pinned Kermit with a laserlike gaze. In an exaggeratedly sweet voice she said, "What do _you_ think about it, Kermie?"

"I'm happy for them, of course. They've been together for so long, after all."

_"We've_ been a couple for two years longer."

Kermit recognized the danger in her tone. "Uh, er, we've _known_ each other-"

"Well, I'm glad that _some_ men around here know the meaning of the word 'commitment'," she said, haughtily brushing her hair back, then sauntered away from the table. Her dramatic exit was spoiled when she came back for her plate. She was not one to leave a meal unfinished.

Leaning his head in one hand, Fozzie said, "Wow. I don't believe it. What kind of wedding do you think they'll have? What kind of _kids_ do you think they'll have?"

"Somehow, a church wedding doesn't seem their style," Rowlf commented.

"I've heard of show biz people getting married on set. They could get married in the theater. It's got almost the same layout as a church." Scooter remarked.

"They would fall into the orchestra pit before they reached the stage, okay."

"Not if we put a trampoline in front of it," Fozzie said.

Rowlf said, "Bounce over the pit? I don't know, that sounds a little low-key for Gonzo."

Kermit spoke up. "It's up to them what they're going to do. Let them plan their own wedding."

The others stopped. Kermit sounded peevish, and the others could not blame him. If they had been on the receiving end of Piggy's ire they wouldn't be feeling so cheerful either.

* * *

Kermit's mood improved when they entered the theater. The place looked both familiar and different now. The layout was the same, but many of the surfaces were new. The stage had been completely torn out and replaced; some of the old boards had been rotten. Walls that had taken significant damage over the years had been rebuilt. The wiring and electrical fixtures had been completely replaced. When Kermit flipped on the switch, the lights were so much brighter, both onstage and backstage.

"Wow," Fozzie said, looking around.

"Yeah," Kermit said. "It's something, isn't it?"

"Gonna have it repainted to look like it used to?" Rowlf asked.

"Yeah, in the house at least," Kermit replied.

Fozzie walked onto the new stage. The wood felt slick under his feet. He said, "I'll miss the squeaky and soft boards. How'll I know where I am on the stage without 'em?"

Scooter pointed at the edge of the stage. "See the little colored lights just in front of some of the footlights? Those help people keep their bearings, even during dance numbers."

Rowlf sat on the edge of the stage and looked into the orchestra pit. It was just the same-just barely big enough for them, and Rowlf was glad that the upright piano would still be there to shield him from Animal. Looking around, he saw that most of the house interior was unchanged-curtains where they had always been, walls and balcony the same. Nothing would alter the acoustics, he noted approvingly.

Kermit looked out at the seats. They looked new, although only the cushions, which had become a little ratty over the years, had been replaced. So far, he thought, he liked what he saw. He said, "Let's go check out the lobby."

* * *

The group returned late that afternoon in high spirits. The other Muppets immediately mobbed them for news. The theater was nearly fit for them. A few more things needed to be finished, and then the cosmetic work could begin. A unanimous, heartfelt cheer went up from everyone within earshot, and the news quickly spread to those who had not heard it first-hand.

The celebratory mood was still going strong when Gonzo and Camilla returned early that evening. Those who saw them come in the door cheered them. Rowlf, who had been alert for his cue, went to the upright piano and began playing a ragtime version of Mendelssohn's Wedding March on the piano. Miss Piggy sailed up to them and said, "Let _moi_ offer my sincerest congratulations. You must be _so_ looking forward to being married!"

Kermit, however, saw their expressions. They looked angry-but not with each other. He asked, "What happened?"

Gonzo said in a low voice, "They turned us down."

Kermit was shocked. "They _what? _How can they do that?"

Gonzo said, loudly enough that the others nearby could hear, "They wouldn't give us a marriage license. Because Camilla isn't a person."

"Not a person? What kind of shtick is that?" Dr. Teeth asked.

"They said Camilla's only an animal, and people don't marry their _pets!"_

The other hens squawked in outrage. Camilla added her comments, and the chickens began gabbling angrily among themselves.

Gonzo's face, where it wasn't covered with fur, was flushed, and his hands were clenched into tight, three-fingered fists. Kermit had never seen him so angry, not even when Trevor the Gross had stolen one of his acts. He said, "Did they say why they don't think Camilla's a person?"

"They can't understand her, so they think she's just making noise instead of talking. She doesn't have hands, so she can't write. To them she's nothing more than a trained chicken!"

"So you're not legally human if nobody can understand you? Beaker and The Swedish Chef better watch out, then," Clifford remarked.

Rowlf said, "People have treated us as strange creatures, and even as luggage, but nobody's ever told us we're less than human. I don't like where this is heading. For me, it might involve a leash."

Miss Piggy considered. At first she had been jealous of Gonzo and Camilla. How dare that little twerp beat her to the altar! But reflection had showed her what an unworthy thought that was. They deserved all the happiness the world had to offer, especially if it served as an example for Kermit. But _this_ was an insult to all of them! Oh, nobody would ever dare to call _her_ less than human-but she knew that Kermit had once been hunted for his legs.

Scooter was saying, "If the test is whether she can talk, why not get an interpreter? They use interpreters all the time in courtrooms."

Kermit said, "How many people speak chicken who aren't chickens themselves?"

"I do," Gonzo said. "But they wouldn't take the word of her _trainer."_

Scooter said, "There's gotta be some way to prove she can talk, though. If she can talk, and she's as smart as a human, then they have to admit she's a person, don't they?"

"I hope you're right," Kermit said.

Miss Piggy said, _"Moi _just happens to have been keeping some attorneys on retainer. And," she smirked, "Weren't we were just talking about how to get into the media?"

Quickly Gonzo exclaimed, "No!"

_"What?"_

"This is our private lives! I don't want this in the papers!" He could take it himself, but Camilla would get the worse of it, and he couldn't stand the thought of their child, whatever it turned out to be, beginning its life under such scrutiny.

Camilla startled him with an angry squawk. _Only an animal!_ she exclaimed. _Livestock!_

"Camilla, they didn't know what they were talking about!"

_And you will let them get away with it? You won't stand up to them?_ she demanded. The other hens made low growling sounds. They had no use for a rooster who would not fight for his flock. Technically he was not a rooster and they were not his flock, but at the moment those were only minor details.

Gonzo glanced around-they had an attentive audience-and then switched into chicken to continue the discussion. This time the other chickens did not laugh at Gonzo's accent when he clucked to Camilla. The conversation started out as an argument, then the tone of their voices softened.

Gonzo switched back to English and said to their audience, "On second thought, Camilla isn't 'just an animal' and doesn't deserve to be treated as one. We've got to stand up for ourselves."

"Right on!" Clifford shouted.

"That's tellin' 'em," Rizzo said.

The other Muppets exploded into a rhubarb of emphatic agreement. Amid the noise Miss Piggy heard Gonzo say her name, and felt a furry hand touch her arm. She looked back. A serious expression on his face, Gonzo said softly, "Miss Piggy... thanks."

_"Vous_ are welcome," she replied. "After all, all for one, and one for all."

"I just... I just hope they don't bring our baby into this." His voice was barely audible over the hubbub.

She stared at him for a moment. Then she nodded and, throat tight, turned away.

* * *

All characters are copyright © The Muppets Studio, LLC and are used without permission but with much respect and affection. This story is copyright © Kim McFarland (negaduck9 at aol dot com). Permission is given by the author to copy it for personal use only.

If you like this story, please check out my website, "The Negapage," where you can find lots my works. 


	8. Musical Interlude

**Muppets from Earth  
Part 8: Musical Interlude**  
by Kim McFarland

* * *

The Muppets had finally reclaimed their theater. All of the construction, deconstruction, and reconstruction was complete at long last, and the house and lobby-and any other areas that would be seen by the public-had been painted. The backstage, however, was still rough. Kermit had decided to leave the decoration of that space up to the cast and crew. Not as a cost-saving measure, but because he knew they'd have fun with it.

Miss Piggy was nowhere to be seen, but the star had been hung on her dressing room door-and it was the biggest, glitteriest one she could procure-and the light was on, so everyone assumed that she was, in the words of Floyd Pepper, setting up her sty away from home.

Gonzo was working up a cannonball act. That wasn't particularly clever, but he had faith that before the theater opened in two weeks inspiration would strike him, and he'd find a hook to turn a mere stunt into a work of performance art. And even if he didn't, what the heck, people still liked to see someone risk life and limb.

"That's it for now, girls," he said to the chickens who were assisting him. He really only needed one chicken to light the fuse, but it never hurt an act to add a liberal dose of eye candy. He felt funny about planning the act without Camilla, though. She was still at home, sitting on their egg. If it was a normal chicken egg it would have hatched by now, but candling it had shown that the chick still had more growing to do before it filled the shell.

One of the chickens clucked to him. "Oh, nothing much," he answered.

She asked him a question. He said, "It'll be fine. Something will hit me before the show opens, I'm sure."

She clucked some more. He paused, then said, "Okay, if you think so. How about in my room?" She nodded agreement, and they went to Gonzo's dressing room. It was full of crates; he hadn't started excavating the props and costumes he would need just yet. He sat on one box, and she perched on another. He said, "Anyone can do straight stunts like shooting themselves out of a cannon. What I want is an eye-opener. The Muppet Show is all about showing people things they've never seen before."

She clucked a question. He answered, "That's just it. I haven't figured out what I can do to top my old acts. I wanna start off with a bang." With a rueful smile he admitted, "I'm out of practice in thinking up newer and weirder stunts. I've been doing mostly other stuff for so long. Playing a narrator, or semi-dramatic parts, which is great-you can't be an artist if you just the same shtick every time-but there's something so _cool_ about defying death!"

She fluttered over to sit on his crate and clucked. He said, "Nah, I haven't killed myself yet, have I?" She clucked worriedly. "Oh, don't be like that. I'm fine." She replied at length. He said, "The whole flock?"

She nodded and scooted closer to him. He laughed softly and said, "Kinda late for that _now."_

She pecked him gently. He startled and looked at her. She pecked him again and smiled. All of the hens knew about Gonzo's little quirk.

"Stop it, Stephanie," he said in a low voice.

She clucked entreatingly and pecked him again. He got up and said firmly, "No."

Surprised, she clucked argumentatively. He said, "It matters to _me_. And if you're so sure it won't matter to Camilla, go talk to her yourself."

She stared at him in surprised. Then she gave a haughty toss of her head, hopped off the crate, and left his dressing room. He stared after her, nonplussed. Stephanie hadn't given him a second glance in years. Why now?

* * *

Rowlf wandered to the orchestra pit. The upright piano had been moved into place. He took a seat on the bench. Man, he had missed sitting here. He opened the lid, revealing the yellowed keys, and played a scale. He grinned; it was exactly as out-of-tune as ever. There was another piano backstage, a baby grand that they kept meticulously tuned for the good stuff, but there was something fun about playing on this rinky-dink box. He began playing the first piece of music that came to mind, the third movement of Beethoven's _Piano Sonata No. 8 in C minor, Op. 13_. His paws danced over the keys as if they had a will of their own; Rowlf closed his eyes and listened to the music echoing within the empty theater house.

He stopped, surprised, when after a minute he realized that the echo was out of sync with his playing. The music continued, up to the point where he left off. He began again, and then the delayed echo returned. This time he listened carefully. The style was more forceful than his own, the chords stronger and the playing in general less nuanced. He continued, adding more energy to match his rival. After half a minute the playing became even more stylized, with extra chords added to give the piece more oomph. Rowlf did not try to mimic that style; instead he added delicate, fluttery elaborations on top of the already-sprightly music, making it almost a parody of itself.

He reached the end of the piece all too soon, and waited. After a minute Dr. Teeth walked onto the stage. Rowlf said, "Hey!" and held up a paw.

Dr. Teeth answered, "Hey!" and swung a hand down to grasp Rowlf's hand. Though he was onstage and Rowlf was in the pit, he hardly had to lean forward to reach him. "It's been forever since I played anything like that. Talk about slidin' down memory lane."

"I didn't know you played Beethoven."

"I don't. I play the keyboard." They both laughed. "Nah, I've played all sorts o' tunes in my time. Did a little of everything before succumbing to the siren song of rock."

"Really. All this time I thought you never played anything else."

Dr. Teeth placed a hand on his chest. "I have hidden depths you never dreamt of, my good dog."

"Even if you play Beethoven like it was an Elton John song," Rowlf replied.

"Flattery will get you nowhere."

"Depends on who I'm flattering."

"Seriously, though-I used to play old Ludwig Von. At his best, he was a force of nature! And then you have tranquilizers like..." he raised his hands and played an invisible keyboard while singing a snatch of the piece they just played.

"Oh, yeah, I guess something that subtle is quite a challenge for rockers like you," Rowlf said.

"It's only a challenge to stay awake to the end."

They were both grinning, enjoying the banter and mock needling. Rowlf knew that Dr. Teeth wouldn't have played any of it in the first place if he found it completely uninteresting. He said, "I'll bet the Electric Mayhem couldn't play that piece all the way through."

"Not couldn't. Wouldn't. What kind of amigo would I be if I inflicted such a solid soporific on them?"

"True, true. Better just keep them in their comfort zone," Rowlf replied.

Dr. Teeth raised his eyelids. "Are you implying that we who are the Electric Mayhem could not rise to this so-called challenge?"

"I'm not implying that at all. I'm sayin' it right to your face."

"Oh, yeah? How would you like to put your money where your muzzle is?"

Rowlf waved dismissively. "I got better things to do with my cash than bet it. Make it more interesting if you really think they can do it."

Dr. Teeth rubbed his bearded chin thoughtfully. "If I can get the band to play that _Pathétique_ piece in the show, then I get to choose the next piece _you_ play," he said slyly.

"I'll buy that. And if you can't?"

"Then..." He paused dramatically. "I'll tell you my first name."

Rowlf shook his head and laughed. "No deal, Doc. Try again."

"My _original_ first name. You think my mother named me 'Doctor'?"

"Hmm," Rowlf said, looking the other musician up and down.

"But," Dr. Teeth said, holding up one finger, "We'll embellish it a little. Carve some grooves onto that square platter. The Electric Mayhem doesn't play lullabyes."

"I still gotta be able to recognize it by the time you get through with it."

"Of course. So do we have a deal?"

"Deal!"

They slapped hands again. Then Rowlf stood and opened the bench. He rummaged around inside, then drew out some sheet music and held it up. "Here."

Dr. Teeth accepted it with a show of reluctance. "I never touch this stuff," he told Rowlf.

"Take it just in case you forget what you're supposed to be playing."

"Don't worry about that. Worry about how you're gonna pay up when you lose the bet." Dr Teeth grinned glitteringly, then made his exit.

Rowlf also grinned. He didn't know if the Mayhem could make it, but it would be fun seeing them try.

* * *

Scooter found Kermit the Frog backstage and said, "Boss, the paper came out. You ought to see it."

Kermit accepted the paper. "Thanks, Scooter." It was opened to the third page in the first section, and folded to place one headline before his eyes: _Legally Human?_

Kermit read the article through once, then said, "Round everyone up, would you?"

"Sure thing, chief," Scooter replied, and went to go fer everybody.

* * *

Within a surprisingly short period of time the backstage right area was filled with Muppets of all kinds. Kermit was about to begin when he noticed that one significant party was missing. "Scooter, where's Piggy?"

"She was in her dressing room. She said she'd come as soon as she could. I think she was on the phone."

"Sheesh." Well, she probably knew about this anyway.

"So what's up, green stuff?" Floyd asked.

Kermit held up the paper. "There's some news that affects us all. It's about the suit Piggy's lawyers have filed."

Gonzo clenched his hands together unconsciously. He felt a big hand pat his back. He glanced over and saw Fozzie beside him. The bear gave him a supportive smile.

"It says that the law firm of Porque & Beanes have filed a suit against the city for discrimination for denying Gonzo and Camilla a marriage license. The heart of the matter is whether Camilla, and others who can't speak human languages, have the same legal rights as humans. Anyone who can hold a conversation is automatically assumed to be legally human, although there are no legal precedents either for or against that. Up until now she's been treated as a human as far as tax purposes go, she has a social security number, and she is a member of the Screen Actors' Guild. Certainly, they say, the federal government is not in the habit of issuing social security numbers to dumb animals." He looked up from the article. "That's the meat of it. The plan is to force a definition of 'legally human'. And since we're at the center of it, it's likely we'll get it from all sides, and we'll be pestered by the media about it. We need to be ready."

"How?" Scooter asked.

Kermit answered, "By being very careful who we speak with and what we say on the subject. There are unscrupulous reporters who will take anything they find and twist it around, and tabloids that will print anything to get sales. Stay away from them!"

At that moment Miss Piggy's dressing room door opened. She walked out arm-in-arm with a small man with colorless, moplike hair and a round pair of sunglasses. He was stuffing a notepad into an inner pocket of his jacket. Miss Piggy's voice rang out in the sudden hush, "Now, come back in a few days and I'm sure I'll have more news for you!" She laughed as she shepherded him toward the back exit.

The man began, "Wait, I want to interview-"

She hustled him out the door. "We have to save something for later, don't we?" she sang out, then pulled the door closed. When she turned around she saw everyone staring at her. "What?"

"Piggy, I don't believe you! That was Fleet Scribbler!" Kermit exclaimed.

"Yes, dear, I know his name."

"He writes for _The Daily Scandal!_ He doesn't care about whether what he writes is true or not, as long as it sells papers! He's done his best to smear us in the past! Have you even thought about what he will do with this story?" he shouted, his voice beginning to crack.

Miss Piggy said gently, "Kermit, dear... he is a _journaliste_. He wanted an inside exclusive, and he would have written it whether or not he actually knew what was happening. So I gave it to him. And he will stick to it." She smiled sweetly. "And if he doesn't, he understands that he forfeits any further interviews with me, along with all the bones in his hands."

"I can walk Animal over by the _Scandal's_ office," Floyd volunteered.

Kermit still looked like he was about to detonate. Piggy continued as if she did not notice. "Now, Kermie, you have to admit that I know how to feed the tabloids a story."

"Do I ever!" he snapped, scowling as he thought about all the articles he had tried to ignore about his and Piggy's torrid love affair, or marriage, depending on which one you read.

"There, you see? Let _moi_ handle him. I'll keep the little twerp on rails." She turned and swept up the stairs.

* * *

All characters are copyright © The Muppets Studio, LLC and are used without permission but with much respect and affection. This story is copyright © Kim McFarland (negaduck9 at aol dot com). Permission is given by the author to copy it for personal use only.

If you like this story, please check out my website, "The Negapage," where you can find lots my works. 


	9. Liberty and Justice

**Muppets from Earth  
Part 9: Liberty and Justice**  
by Kim McFarland

* * *

It was a cheerful and sunny morning. The day began at the Muppets' boarding house with breakfast, as so many days did.

Kermit told Gonzo, "A deposition isn't something to be worried about. It's only an interview so they can get their facts straight. I've done 'em myself." Rowlf, Scooter, and Rizzo nodded agreement. Sam, stirring his coffee, did not comment.

"I know, I know," Gonzo said as he swirled his cereal with his spoon. It was Marshmallow Blobs, which he did not particularly like, but the only other option was Cap'n Alphabet, and he had sworn off for the duration. The problem with the depositions that he and Camilla would have to give today was that only he could translate for Camilla, and this whole mess had come about because The Powers That Be did not believe Gonzo's claim that she was a person rather than a pet.

Camilla, who had been sitting on the arm of Gonzo's chair and pecking at her breakfast, clucked worriedly. Gonzo put an arm around her. "Don't worry, babe. The worst that can happen is they might say we can't be married officially. If all else fails, there's common law."

Scooter said, "Er, sorry, but this state doesn't recognize common law marriage."

Gonzo could have glared at Scooter, but he knew the kid was trying to be helpful. He told her, "Still, whatever they say, they can't change us." She clucked, somewhat comforted, and rubbed her beak against his nose.

Miss Piggy burst through the front door, newsprint in hand. "Our first reviews are in. Page two," she sang out, and deposited a copy of_ The Daily Scandal _on the table.

Though she had dropped it close to Gonzo, he did not reach for it. Kermit gingerly opened the paper. There was a stock photo of the Muppets—a fairly old one, Kermit noted—and another shot of Miss Piggy, which Kermit recognized as one from a recent photo shoot. He skimmed it first, then read out loud: "Who speaks for the dumb animals? The Muppets' own diva, Miss Piggy, has weighed in on this pressing matter.

"Recently the daredevil Gonzo the Great, also known as The Great Gonzo, and his life partner, Camilla Chicken, applied for a marriage license, which was denied because one of them is further from human than the other. This reporter is not sure which is which, as one is unintelligible and the other is inexplicable, and in fact is not even from this planet."

"Ouch," Rowlf commented, surprised. "Will that count against him?"

Kermit replied, "I'm sure it won't. It's not like he's running for President."

Shocked, Sam the Eagle said to Gonzo, "Do you mean to say that you are not even an _American citizen?"_

"I think I am. Nobody ever said I wasn't," Gonzo said. "I pay taxes and vote, and they've called me before for jury duty. They're never picked me, though."

"Imagine that," Sam said flatly.

"Go on. Third paragraph," Miss Piggy urged.

Kermit read, "The Fabulous Miss Piggy declared, 'Gonzo and Camilla are such a loving couple, who could be so cruel as to tear them asunder? They should have every chance to enjoy the wedded joy that _moi_ and Kermit are blessed with every day." Kermit looked over at Piggy in disbelief.

She said, "Everyone loves a timeless love story. Associating them with ours can only raise their esteem in the eyes of the _publique_."

"Eesh," Kermit said. He read on, "And, who knows, perhaps their children will be as adorable as... _my and Kermit's will be?_ Piggy!"

"Well, perhaps _that_ was a little much," she admitted. In her opinion, the only way those two could raise something adorable would be to adopt. She went into the kitchen.

Kermit thought as he scanned the rest of the article, he did not believe this... but by the time he got to the end he realized that it wasn't so bad. The rest of the article was mostly about Miss Piggy, the tireless, selfless crusader for the rights of her downtrodden associates, and star of the Muppet Theater, which was to open in less than two weeks. Kermit could tell that Scribbler wanted to stay on Piggy's good side, as this was less strident and fictional than the average _Daily Scandal_ article, remarks about his and Piggy's relationship aside. That routine was nothing new, and Kermit would just blow that off the way he had all the other stories about them she had been planting for years. It could be much worse.

Then he glanced at the facing page, and it got much worse.

Quickly he closed the paper and folded it, then told Gonzo, "Look, I know that we can find a way to make them understand Camilla, and then they'll have no reason to deny you. And if they want character witnesses, they'll have a whole houseful of them!"

The others around the table—Rowlf, Kermit, Rizzo, Scooter, and even Sam—all agreed in their various ways. "Thanks, guys. Heh, it's funny, but... I'm scared. I'm actually scared," Gonzo admitted. "Firing myself out of a cannon, no problem. Jumping a motorcycle into a brick wall, let me at it! But _this_ has me tied in knots."

"I'll come with you if you want," Kermit offered.

"Me too," Rowlf said.

"And me," said Scooter.

"Thanks, guys, but this is something Camilla and I have to face," Gonzo said. He pushed away from the table. He had not finished his cereal, but he knew that he was not going to be able to eat any more.

A pair of chickens fluttered down the stairs to see them off, clucking encouragement. Gonzo said, "Thanks, girls. We can use all the luck we can get."

After they left Kermit unfolded the paper and resumed reading. When Miss Piggy returned with her breakfast Kermit said, "Piggy."

"Yes, Kermie?"

He refolded the tabloid to show an article on the next page and held it up for her to see. She took it. Her eyes widened. By the time she was halfway through the article her face had flushed red. "What's the problem?" Rowlf asked.

Rizzo scurried around the table to read over Miss Piggy's elbow. As soon as he saw the headline he backed away. He did not want to be within striking distance. _**"WHAT?"**_ Miss Piggy yelled, wrinkling the paper as her hands clenched into fists.

Kermit folded his arms and said, "Good going, Piggy. Involving _The Daily Scandal_ was a great idea. It'll just make Gonzo's day when he reads _that!"_

The two chickens fluttered onto the arms of the chair next to Miss Piggy's, and were craning their necks to try to read the article in question. Miss Piggy flung it down on the table and exclaimed "I had nothing to do with this!"

"'A Concerned Citizen' wrote a response to the article that appears on the page right before it! Published on the same day! Where do you think they got the 'facts' they twisted around, huh?" Kermit said.

Miss Piggy, unable to speak, bolted from the room. The chickens had just made it through the first paragraph, and were already squawking in outrage.

Sam, already annoyed because he could not read the paper upside-down, said, "Ladies! Such shocking language! Stop that at once!" He reached for the paper.

There was sudden silence at the table. Kermit said, "You understood what they were saying?"

Eyes fixed on the article, distractedly Sam answered, "Of course. I am, after all, an Avian-American."

The others around the table exchanged glances. _"You _speak both chicken and English," Kermit stated.

Sam glanced up, saw everyone staring at him, and said, "What?"

_"You_ could translate for Camilla!"

"What? _Me?_ No, I refuse to get involved in these weird shenanigans!" Sam declared.

Rowlf said, "All they want is to get married. What's weird about that?"

Sam insisted, "Laws are enacted for very good reasons. They must have refused them for a valid cause."

Rowlf stood up and said over the following hubbub. "Hey, everybody, we're not going to get anywhere by yelling. Calm down." He held his hands out, palms down, and gestured downward. Surprisingly, the noise did die down appreciably. He continued, "We can't force Sam to help. That'd be taking away his freedom of choice, and that's un-American."

"Hmm?" Sam said, surprised to find support from this unexpected source. "Yes, yes, absolutely right."

Rowlf continued, "In fact Sam here is our authority on all things proper for an American citizen."

"Somebody has to be," said the eagle.

Rowlf turned to Sam. "In fact, I've been meaning to ask you to help me with something. A while ago you suggested beginning the show with the Pledge of Allegiance. The problem with that is that everyone knows the words, but how many understand what it really means? It wouldn't do any good if everyone was just parroting it. Er, no offense to birds."

"None taken," Sam answered.

"So, would you explain it to me?"

Startled, Sam asked, "Do you _mean_ that?

"Yeah. I think we all need to know it better."

"All right," Sam said. "Right now?"

"No better time than the present."

Everyone else watched, nonplussed, as Sam and Rowlf stood. Sam glanced around, then said, "I'll get a flag. Wait here." He left the dining room. Before the others could ask Rowlf anything Sam had returned with the flag that had been mounted beside the front door. He stood it in one corner of the room, where it hung limply. Sam said, "Stand at attention and place your right hand over your heart." Both he and Rowlf did so. Sam looked around the dining room, Scooter was the only one who had placed his hand on his chest. Sam glared disapprovingly at the others, then turned back to the flag. In a strong voice he said, "Repeat after me. 'I pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of America-'"

Rowlf interrupted, "To the flag? This flag here?" He pointed at the faded cloth.

"Not to that particular flag. To the ideal of The American Flag," Sam answered. "To the perfect flag that waves within the heart of every American."

"Okay, gotcha. Go on," Rowlf said.

Sam continued, "And to the Republic for which it stands-"

"What's a republic? America's a democracy, isn't it?"

Sam replied impatiently. "A republic is a democracy. Same thing."

"Oh, OK, Sorry."

"One nation, under God, indivisible-"

"Indivisible. Indivisible from what?"

Sam said in exasperation, "What do you mean, from what?"

"Indivisible means that something can't be divided. What would the United States be divided from?"

"From itself, of course! America will never be sundered!"

"Oh, you mean like the Civil War?"

"Yes, something like that."

Scooter piped up. "I think it means that the fifty states that make up the nation will never be separated. All for one and one for all."

"Exactly! Well done, Scooter!" Sam answered. "May we continue?"

"Sure. Sorry about the interruptions. Hope they're not a problem."

"Not at all. Now, where was I?"

"One nation, under God, indivisible-"

"Yes! With liberty and justice for all."

"For everyone? No exceptions?" Rowlf asked.

"None! That is what makes our nation great!"

Rowlf scratched his head thoughtfully. "Liberty and justice. Justice I understand, but liberty is a toughie."

Sam replied, "Liberty is freedom, of course! What every American basks in."

Rowlf nodded. "Okay, I think I get it. The Pledge of Allegiance is about loyalty to the American way?"

"Yes! That's it," Sam said, pleased.

Scooter said, "And the American Way is loyalty. Always hanging together. Never letting anyone split you apart."

"All for one, one for all," Rizzo added.

"Finally, you understand!" Sam exulted.

Rowlf added, "In the name of liberty and justice."

"Truth, justice, and the American Way, yes."

Kermit joined in. "And it's every American's duty to uphold liberty and justice, isn't it?"

"Of course it is. Our nation was not made great by namby-pamby, duty-shirking ne'er-do-wells."

Thoughtfully Rowlf said, "Kinda makes you think, huh? We're really lucky to have the opportunity to be a part of this great nation, to be able to support liberty and justice instead of letting a king or some other kind of bureaucrat decide what's best for us without giving us a say in it. Don't you agree, guys?"

Everyone else in the room agreed. Overcome with emotion, Sam said, "At last, you all understand! How I have longed for this day!"

Kermit said, "And you're luckiest of us all, Sam. You have the opportunity to uphold liberty and justice this very day-"

"I do so every day! Being a model American requires never-ending vigilance."

"-by going down and translating for Camilla."

Sam stopped and stared at Kermit.

Rowlf said, "Justice is for _everybody,_ isn't it?"

Scooter chimed in, "We Muppets have always stood together. Indivisible."

Kermit said in a low voice, "You're the only one who can do this. Nobody else can understand chicken."

Sam covered his eyes with one hand. He just realized how neatly he had been trapped with his own words. "Very well," he murmured.

"All right, Sam! We knew you wouldn't fail us," Rowlf said cheerfully.

"I'll go with you," Kermit said, and shepherded the reluctant eagle out the front door. Before he closed the door behind himself he said, "And get rid of that paper!"

"Gotcha, chief," Scooter said, picking the tabloid up. It wouldn't be enough just to throw it in the trash; someone might find it, especially with the headline 'ANIMAL HUSBANDRY' in letters big enough to see across the room. The article accused Gonzo of unsavory and illegal practices and called the morality of all of the Muppets into question. It was nothing but lies, but Scooter wouldn't take any chances; he'd burn this. Tucking it under his arm, he said to Rowlf, "I can't believe you beat Sam at his own game. That was amazing!"

Rowlf grinned. "I just appealed to his better nature, that's all. In fact, I'm a little disappointed that he gave in so quickly. I was gonna walk him through the Preamble to the Declaration of Independence next."

* * *

Camilla sat in the office of Beanes, one of the attorneys of the firm of Porque & Beanes. Gonzo was in one of the conference rooms with Beanes and a court reporter. It had been stressed to them both that no harm could come to them as a result of their testimony. Camilla was not worried about that; the only issue, in her opinion, was proving that she had a language at all. Gonzo, on the other hand, was wound up like an E or a first string. This would be so much easier on everyone if they could be questioned together, so Gonzo could translate her answers, but they would not accept that. Camilla had tried to speak English several times in the past, and for all her efforts she could only reliably manage one word. English was as easy for her as barking like a dog was for a human. How did parrots manage it?

Gonzo and Beanes, a hog wearing a charcoal-gray suit, came out of the room. He was still tense, but it hadn't been as bad as he had expected. They had questioned him on the length of time they had known each other, the nature of their working relationship, and why he considered her to be sapient. Beanes had guided him through it, getting what would help their case into the record and skipping more emotionally-charged matters, such as the nature of their personal relationship.

He sat down next to Camilla. She clucked a question. He answered, "It was okay. I thought it'd be worse."

Beanes sat behind his desk. Addressing them both, he said, "Camilla, it's obvious to me that you're as intelligent as the next person. The question is how to prove it firmly enough that nobody will be able to deny it, as much as they may want to. That's where it gets tricky. Gonzo, of course, would not be acceptable as a translator because of your personal association. Do you know of anyone else who can understand you?"

Camilla clucked. Gonzo said, "Only other chickens, and I don't know any who can also speak English. But how about this? You could ask her something while I'm out of the room, then she could tell me her answer, and I could translate that. If I can give you the right answers without hearing the questions, that'd prove that Camilla's answering them rather than me, wouldn't it?"

The pig shook his head slowly. "I understand what you're saying, but it wouldn't be convincing enough in court. It would be too easy to claim that it's a trick. We need something more solid."

The receptionist tapped on the door, then stuck her head in. "Mr. Beanes, someone has arrived and is offering to assist with this case."

The attorney asked, "Who is he?"

"His name is Sam, and he says he can understand chickens."

Beanes glanced at Gonzo and Camilla, who looked just as surprised as he was. "Send him in, Miss Tamworth."

After a moment Sam the Eagle stepped into the office. Gonzo exclaimed, "Sam? _You_ speak chicken?"

"I understand it. I do not speak it," Sam replied stiffly.

Camilla clucked something to him. He replied, "I speak only the official language of this nation. American."

Gonzo and Camilla exchanged glances. Then Gonzo said to Beanes, "Well then, now we have a translator. So it's no problem from here, right?"

Beanes said, "They could still claim that Sam is speaking for Camilla. You do know each other, after all." He paused, considering, then asked, "You could translate a recording of Camilla's voice, couldn't you?"

Gonzo replied, "Yeah, no problem." Sam nodded.

Beanes smiled. "Then I think we have a plan. I'll have both of you translate separately and see how closely you match. Sam, Camilla, come with me. Gonzo, you can go back in the waiting room for now. I'll call you in when we have a recording for you to work from. It may take a while, because it'll only include her answers, not my questions or Sam's interpretations."

Gonzo gave Camilla a quick hug, then left the office. He was surprised to see Kermit in one of the reception area chairs, reading a magazine. The frog looked up and said lightly, "Hi ho. How's it going?"

Gonzo took the next chair. "Better now. What're you doing here?"

"I brought Sam over after he volunteered to help translate. He just needed a little encouragement."

"Wow. Thanks, Kermit," Gonzo said gratefully.

"Anytime," Kermit answered. "So, what's the game plan?"

"They're going to have him translate for her. Then they'll have me translate a tape of what she says, and see if we match."

"That sounds like it'll work," Kermit said.

"I sure hope so," Gonzo said.

* * *

All characters are copyright © The Muppets Studio, LLC and are used without permission but with much respect and affection. This story is copyright © Kim McFarland (negaduck9 at aol dot com). Permission is given by the author to copy it for personal use only.

If you like this story, please check out my website, "The Negapage," where you can find lots my works.


	10. Living Dangerously

**Muppets from Earth  
Part 10: Living Dangerously  
**by Kim McFarland

* * *

It was a calm, warm day. It was a day thus far uncomplicated by depositions, upsetting tabloid articles, or other intrusions into the private lives of the Muppets. Camilla had been called in several more times after her first deposition, now that they had finally proven her ability to communicate. Those sessions, with their repetitious questions, tried her patience, but she understood that there was no avoiding them if she didn't want to be considered livestock. Hopefully her part and Gonzo's was over with now.

Another thing currently trying her patience was the egg. Chicken eggs usually hatched after three weeks. It had been more than a month since she had laid this one. If it had been an ordinary egg she would have given up hope, but she could hear a heartbeat within. Gonzo thought it would hatch soon, as candling showed that the chick had filled the shell. She was ready for that; she wanted to see her child!

Gonzo entered the balcony. He was wearing one of his old stage costumes, a yellow jumpsuit, and carrying a matching helmet under his arm. "Hi, Camilla! Any news?" he asked hopefully.

She shook her head. A little disappointed, he said, "Oh."

She asked him the same question. He answered, "Nothing yet. The lawyers are fighting it out among themselves now. All we can do is wait." At her dissatisfied grumble he sat by her and put an arm around her. "Don't worry, babe. I'm sure they'll win. Maybe not before the egg hatches, but it doesn't matter if we miss by a few days. It'll grow up in a real family."

"Awww," she said, and looked up at him.

Because of the configuration of their faces—Camilla had a beak, and Gonzo's nose effectively chaperoned his mouth—a casual kiss was not possible for them. It was either all, an act which could be mistaken for a spirited attempt at mouth-to-beak resuscitation, or nothing.

They kissed.

* * *

At the theater, Kermit was condensing his notes regarding the acts for the upcoming show. He had at least twice as many acts listed as he could possibly fit into one show. That was no surprise; everyone was using long-pent-up creative energy. Now that they had an outlet, the boarding house was noticeably calmer. When they returned to doing a regular show, and thus went back on a regular payroll, the Muppets would no longer need the boarding house, but so far nobody seemed inclined to move out. Kermit was happy with that. They were one big, crowded, chaotic family, which to a frog with thousands of brothers and sisters was just like home.

Kermit would have to decide which acts would be in the next show. It wouldn't be difficult to whittle this list down; what didn't go on this week would be available the next, and he always had an act or two on standby in case someone canceled out due to injury, illness, or a sudden attack of sanity.

Piggy would have to have a number. She really was almost as big a star as she believed herself to be, and Kermit did not want to emcee the show while mottled with bruises. If Fozzie didn't have a monologue ready, there were comedy sketches he would do fine in. The Electric Mayhem had been rehearsing every day. What they were rehearsing Kermit had no idea, as they were using headphones instead of speakers, so Kermit could only hear Animal's drums and occasional sax and trumpet passages. He could also hear the vocal exercises Miss Piggy was doing in her dressing room. The two made a very strange combination.

Sam the Eagle looked out at the stage, where the Electric Mayhem had set up their instruments. He told Kermit, "They are practicing in secret. I don't like it."

"You wouldn't like it if they were playing normally, either," Kermit responded.

"But they are concealing something. As the guardian of the dignity and moral fiber of this show, I cannot approve of their act if I can't hear it!"

Kermit shrugged. "They're just practicing. Don't worry, Sam. We'll hear it soon enough."

"Hmm," Sam said disapprovingly, then went off to supervise something else.

Hearing the back alley door open, Kermit glanced back. It was Gonzo, wearing one of his old stunt costumes. Kermit gave a little wave. Gonzo came over and asked, "What do you think?"

Guessing that Gonzo meant the costume, he answered, "It's kind of seventies, isn't it?"

"Yeah. I wanna get Wardrobe to alter it a little, take off the collar, maybe dye it red."

"Go for it," Kermit told him.

Gonzo was starting up the stairs that led to the dressing room when Beauregard intercepted him. "Gonzo, I found your cannon."

Gonzo turned back. "Yeah, I saw it's already backstage left. Thanks."

"What about the one in the boiler room?"

Perplexed, Gonzo went with Beauregard to the basement. There, against one wall, was a twin to Gonzo's cannon. After a moment he guessed where it must have come from, and looked around the other side. Sure enough, under the dust was a logo that looked like a winged pickle. "This is The Flying Zucchini Brothers' cannon. It must have been down here for years." The dust on the cannon was thick enough to plant grass seeds in.

"Oh, sorry," Beauregard said.

Bo was turning to leave when Gonzo, his eyes fixed on the cannon, held up a hand. "Wait a minute..."

* * *

Kermit was only momentarily startled when he heard Gonzo shriek "Eureka!" from the bowels of the theater. A moment later Gonzo pelted up the stairs, yelling "**Sweetums!**"

Scooter came in. He wasn't carrying any newspapers. Kermit hoped that was a good sign. "Find anything today, Scooter?"

Scooter had been keeping an eye on the tabloids, in case there was anything they had to deal with in a manner other than ignoring it. He shook his head. "Not much today. Just the usual junk. Well, there was one that made me kinda wonder."

'The usual junk' lately had included groundless, sensationalistic speculations on Muppets' personal lives, with Gonzo taking the brunt of it, Kermit and Miss Piggy a distant second. Anyone with half a brain could tell that those articles were pure fiction, as the 'writers' had no way of knowing the 'facts' they 'reported.' They would be forgotten tomorrow anyway, so the best thing to do was to ignore them. However... "What was that one?"

As the huge Monster named Sweetums lumbered after Gonzo down the stairs Scooter took a piece of newsprint out of his pocket and handed it over. Kermit opened it. The headline THE MUPPETS: SEX AND VIOLENCE jumped out at him. He sighed, "Sheesh."

It's not as bad as it looks, actually," Scooter said.

Kermit read on. The writer accused the Muppets of promoting violence in their show, citing many explosions, apparent devourings, and other forms of mayhem that they regularly inflicted on each other during the course of their show. There was no mention of sex in the article, Kermit noticed. That was just in the headline to make it grabbier, of course. He said, "Don't worry about this. Once in a while articles like this pop up, and they never come to anything."

"There is one other thing," Scooter said in a low voice. "I don't think I should show it to you here, though..."

"In my office, then."

As they went up the stairs, Sweetums and Beauregard came back through, pushing a very dusty cannon toward the wings and sneezing. Gonzo followed them, practically vibrating with excitement.

* * *

Kermit closed the door to his dressing room, which doubled as his office. "Now, what is it, Scooter?"

Scooter said, _"The Daily Scandal_ printed another article, and, well, you have to see it to believe it." He took a tightly folded piece of paper out of his jeans pocket.

Kermit unfolded it. It took a few minutes; Scooter had folded a full page down to the size of a sweetener packet. When Kermit saw it all he understood why. It was mostly photos, with the headline PORKY PRINCESS' BEAUTY SECRETS. The photos were amateurishly doctored to make it appear that Miss Piggy had had liposuction, face- and eye-lifts, botox, and a snout job. Kermit read through it, looked at the pictures again, then burst out laughing. Nobody who knew Piggy personally would ever accuse her of having liposuction, and you'd have to be half blind to be fooled by those pictures.

Scooter waited until Kermit had brought himself under control again. Kermit said, "This proves Miss Piggy's kept her promise not to feed _The Daily Scandal_ any more information on us. They'd never print anything like this if they had any hope of getting anything from her."

"Yeah. But if she sees it... " Scooter said uneasily.

"I'll destroy this one."

"Can it really have blown over this fast?" Scooter wondered. "I mean, one day everyone's got something to say about Gonzo and Camilla. A few days later, nothing."

"Their attention span for scandal is very short," Kermit said. And, he suspected, Porque and Beanes are very quick with a Cease and Desist order.

* * *

When Kermit came down the stairs he saw Gonzo in the right wing, cleaning out the Flying Zucchini Brothers' old cannon. Curiosity got the better of him and he asked, "What are you doing with that?"

"All in good time, Kermit, all in good time!" Gonzo replied happily.

Kermit decided not to pursue the matter. When Gonzo slipped into one of his 'creative states' it was best to get out of blast radius and leave him to it. "Have fun, then."

"Oh, I will!" Gonzo answered with a manic grin, then tugged the breech open to inspect the fuse tube from inside.

* * *

All characters are copyright © The Muppets Studio, LLC and are used without permission but with much respect and affection. This story is copyright © Kim McFarland (negaduck9 at aol dot com). Permission is given by the author to copy it for personal use only.

If you like this story, please check out my website, "The Negapage," where you can find lots my works.


	11. Inspiration

**Muppets from Earth  
Part 11: Inspiration  
**by Kim McFarland

* * *

Backstage at the Muppet Theater, Kermit the Frog heard a thud and felt the floor vibrate as something heavy was dropped by his desk. Gonzo said, "Kermit, I've got some great ideas for my act!"

"What are they?" Kermit looked up from his notes; he knew from experience that he'd better give Gonzo's pitches his full attention, or risk finding that he'd agreed to something he would regret later.

"Picture this," Gonzo began. "A set of ramps, one at the head of the left aisle, the other front and center stage. I ride a motorcycle down the aisle, leap onto the stage, make a hairpin turn, accelerate up the second ramp, and land in the balcony!"

Kermit replied patiently, "We still can't get insurance for motorcycle stunts within the theater house."

"Okay, how about something cultural. Bach's _Toccatta and Fugue in D Minor_, played on a seven-octave Muppaphone!"

"Seven octaves?" Kermit asked.

"Yeah. I know there aren't that many Muppaphones, but we could fill it out with the rest of the cast. I've been practicing my B above middle C." He 'sang' that note at the top of his lungs to demonstrate his readiness.

Kermit flinched, then replied, "The problem with that is we aren't all stuntmen. You may like getting hit on the head, but the rest of the cast doesn't."

"Not even for _art?"_

"Sorry, nope.

"Then I can do an act with trained mold."

Kermit's patience was wearing thin. "Gonzo! Even if an audience wanted to see trained mold, you got rid of your mold years ago and there isn't time to grow more before the show!"

"Maybe for the show after next? I can grow mold fast." Gonzo said hopefully.

Kermit felt his nerves fraying as they spoke. "No! Gonzo, I don't have time for this. I have a whole show to plan!"

"Okay. Just let me run one more idea past you. One more?"

"Okay. I will listen to _one_ more." And then he would probably pitch a yelling, arm-waving fit.

"I found the Flying Zucchini Brothers' cannon. Now I have two cannons to launch myself out of-"

"Problem. There's only one of you. You're not planning on shooting a chicken out of the other one, are you?"

"Of course not! That'd be ridiculous. Chickens aren't aerodynamic. Imagine this. I put collars around the muzzles of both cannons. They're facing each other, tilted up. And they fire me back and forth to the tune of the _1812 Overture!_ Safe for the audience, exciting, and enlightening! Is that a keeper or what?"

Kermit said in disbelief, "Back and forth?"

"Yeah! One launches me into the air, I come down into the other, back and forth! That's what the collars are for. They'll be like funnels, so I can't miss. Da da dah da da da dah da da daaah, BOOM!" His hand described an arc in the air.

"How'll you reload the cannons?"

"They're muzzle loaders, so in between shots my Lovely Assistants will throw charges in. I'll tamp 'em down myself when I fall in the barrels."

"If you were anyone else I'd ask if you were crazy."

"Shoot, Kermit, you know the answer to _that."_

"Yeah. Okay, Gonzo, if you can really pull this off, go for it."

"Thanks, Kermit!"

With some effort Gonzo picked up a bowling ball. Kermit looked at it curiously. "What's that for?"

"It weighs as much as I do. I use this to test fire the cannons. I'm gonna go work on blocking." Gonzo explained, and trotted off.

Sometimes Kermit wondered if Gonzo saved up bizarre ideas to soften him up before hitting him with the act he really wanted to do. He could find out by agreeing to one of those... but, knowing Gonzo, he'd cheerfully go through with it anyway. Kermit went back to his list and enjoyed a few more moments of relative quiet before the next interruption. Miss Piggy breezed up to him, put a hand gently on his back, and said, "Kermie."

He looked up. "Yes, Piggy?"

"I have decided to change the song I planned for my act. _Mein Herr_ isn't as workable as I had expected."

"Oh? Why?"

"We simply won't have the time to get it properly rehearsed and make the costumes. Perhaps another week," she said.

Miss Piggy's original plan had been to have herself as the lead singer, with four dancers backing her up. He had approved slight revisions to the lyrics, and trusted her to adjust the choreography accordingly. He had thought it would be a difficult number for her to pull off, but if she succeeded it would look great. "That's okay, Piggy, maybe later when we have more time to do it right."

_"Exactemente._ In the meantime, I already have a replacement act ready."

That did not surprise him. "Will it be ready in time for the show? It's less than a week away."

She smiled and gave him a smoky look. "Of course. It is a torch song. All I need is a dress and a microphone and I'll be ready."

"What's the song?"

She paused, then said, "Why don't I show you?"

"Er... all right."

She led him into her dressing room and seated him at her makeup table. She disappeared behind a folding screen, then popped her head out and said, "No peeking!"

"I promise."

Kermit waited for several minutes as Piggy, with muffled sounds of great effort, changed into something less comfortable. When she stepped out she was dressed in a strapless, skintight black dress with matching elbow-length gloves and high heels. Whatever she had had such difficulty putting on under the dress, Kermit had to admit that it was doing its job.

Wow.

She smiled, pleased by his reaction. "Imagine this, but in red," she said, gesturing at her clothing. Then she stepped forward and began to sing.

* * *

It was a quiet evening. Well, it would be once the ringing in Gonzo's ears faded. He had had a good evening of test-firing the cannons, working out the exact angle to place them so that, when shot from one, he would land in the other, more or less.

When Camilla saw him, he looked a little dazed and smelled of gunpowder. She clucked a question. He answered, "Yep, he bought the double-cannon act! I've been working on the blocking." She clucked again. "Well, yeah, once. You couldn't expect me _not_ to, could you? I used the net." He hadn't _landed_ in the net, but he had used it. "I hope you'll be a part of it. It'd be weird, not having you in the act."

She answered. He said, "Yeah, I know." It would depend on when the egg hatched. "Anything yet?"

She shook her head and stood, revealing the egg. He picked it up—it was warm and heavy in his hands—and, cradling it gently, put it to his ear. The tinnitus interfered a little, but he could still hear the soft tick of a heartbeat within.

Camilla watched his face. She loved to see the gentle look that he got at these moments. Early on she had worried that he would not be able to handle fatherhood, that he would be too afraid. She had no doubts now.

He looked at the creamy shell, stroking it with the fingertips of one hand. It's hard to believe that there's another life in there, just a thin eggshell between it and the world, he thought. He looked carefully as he touched the shell, hoping to find any evidence of pipping. It was still smooth and unmarred. He placed it carefully in the nest—there was no point in candling it, as they would not see anything—and said, "Soon."

She nodded and clucked. He said, "Yeah. But, um, first I gotta see Bunsen. Be back in a minute, okay?"

* * *

When Gonzo went down into the boarding house basement, which was the current home of Muppet Labs, he was struck by how orderly it looked. Usually there was some sign of activity, sparking wires or overturned shelves or scattered paper. Instead, it was neat and clean. Then he saw what looked like a hot water bottle hooked up to a pair of cables on a lab table. Curious, he went up to get a closer look.

He had just enough time to see that it was not a hot water bottle—it was too small, and the shape was wrong, circular instead of rectangular—before there was a flash and a bang, and he was thrown back against the cinderblock wall.

Dr. Bunsen Honeydew and Beaker emerged from behind a metal shield. Bunsen looked at the rubber device critically. Beaker saw Gonzo slumped against the wall, and, squeaking, helped him to his feet.

"Oh, darn it. This one tore too," Bunsen said. Beaker meeped at him, and Bunsen noticed Gonzo. "Oh, hello, Gonzo. Did you come for a close-up look at my new invention?"

Shaking off the daze, Gonzo said, "Kermit told me to talk to you. He didn't tell me to get a face full of... what _is_ that?"

Bunsen held up the destroyed experiment. "I've been testing a new line of amusement devices. Unfortunately, the old mainstays of humor just don't cut it in this day and age. Beaker, please demonstrate." Beaker sighed, took an undamaged rubber device out of a box, blew it up so it looked like a small, flattened balloon, then placed it on a chair and sat on it. It made a rude noise. Beaker sighed again, shaking his head to indicate bored disappointment.

"You see? The practical jokes of yesteryear just aren't up to today's standards. We must push back the frontiers of humor as well as science. Therefore, I have been testing this whoopee cushion. Instead of relying on a mere puff of air, it employs a small, self-recycling explosive charge."

"Wow," was all Gonzo could think to say. That pretty well covered it.

"Yes indeed. Unfortunately, we can't seem to get the amount of charge right. Instead of making a humorous sound, the whoopee cushions keep exploding. We may need to make steel-belted versions."

Something clicked in Gonzo's mind. "You said the explosive is recyclable?"

"Yes, we can use it over and over, as it does not destroy itself. Simply apply a minor electrical charge and the explosive element will, well, explode. I developed it especially for this device. It should be worth years of mirth once we perfect it."

An explosive charge that could be used over and over? That didn't need to be reloaded? "It must be my birthday," Gonzo breathed.

* * *

All characters are copyright © The Muppets Studio, LLC and are used without permission but with much respect and affection. This story is copyright © Kim McFarland (negaduck9 at aol dot com). Permission is given by the author to copy it for personal use only.

If you like this story, please check out my website, "The Negapage," where you can find lots my works.


	12. Anticipation

**Muppets from Earth  
Part 12: Antici...pation  
**by Kim McFarland

* * *

When Kermit, Fozzie, Miss Piggy, Sam, Gonzo, and Camilla returned to the boarding house, they found a celebration well under way. Rowlf, the first to see them, greeted them with, "Welcome home, fellow humans!" Everybody laughed.

Clifford slapped Gonzo on the shoulder as he remarked, "Man, it used to be we didn't know what you are. Now it turns out you're both human _and_ alien!" Chickens and penguins were clucking and quacking excitedly with Camilla.

Scooter explained to Kermit, "It was in the news that we've been declared legally human, but you probably guessed that by now. Everyone just went nuts!" He grinned.

Kermit grinned back. The six of them had been present for the presentation of the court's ruling, which was that any living being that demonstrated sufficient sapience and language ability to hold an intelligible conversation, with or without an interpreter, was considered subject to all laws and entitled to all benefits of US citizenship, and that adult male beings would be referred to as men and adult female beings would be referred to as women. In other words, because Camilla had proven in her depositions that she was sapient, she was, for legal purposes, considered a woman. Of that fact Gonzo had never been in any doubt.

"So, like, where've you been? We heard about it hours ago," Janice asked.

Gonzo was ready for that question. He said, "We ran an errand on the way back," and held up a sheet of paper.

"Oh, wow!" Janice said, reading the words "Marriage license."

"So when's the wedding gonna be?" Rizzo asked.

"Give us a minute," Gonzo said. "We'll be right back, okay?"

Camilla and Gonzo went upstairs. Gonzo put the license in his room, then went to the balcony. Stephanie had been egg-sitting in Camilla's absence.

Stephanie clucked to Camilla, _Everyone still wants to see the egg. We shooed them away._

_Good_, Camilla replied.

That had been a problem ever since Gonzo and Camilla had revealed that they were expecting. No hen wanted to be pestered in her coop. Gonzo said, "Maybe we should just let 'em see?"

Both hens gave him a look. He said, "I have an idea..."

* * *

Downstairs, Kermit had almost finished apprising the other Muppets of the events. "There really isn't much else to say," he told them. "It took hours, but things don't happen fast in a courthouse. In fact, I'm surprised this didn't drag on much longer." Kermit had been pleased to learn that Porque & Beanes were working for a percentage of the settlement rather than a straight fee—not to mention, Kermit believed, the opportunity to work on a case that might actually be reported outside of the county—so the costs would be covered.

Gonzo came down the stairs carrying a box full of straw, Camilla's nest box. He brought it into the living room. Several Muppets vacated the couch to make room. Gonzo put it down and Camilla fluttered up to take her place. She sat just behind the egg, her feathers just brushing it, so the other Muppets could see. Gonzo explained, "Handling eggs is bad for 'em, so... anyway, here's our baby-to-be."

Awed, Fozzie said, "Wow, look at that!"

Bean Bunny exclaimed, "Golly, it's so cute!" in aggressively adorable enthusiasm.

Camilla could not help being pleased as the others paid their respects to her egg. Even Miss Piggy came over to look, although she tried to be casual about it. After a pause she remarked, a little too lightly, "I would have thought it would be bigger."

Camilla clucked, and Gonzo translated, "It _is_ bigger. You wouldn't want to be the hen who laid _that_ egg!"

"I guess not," Piggy replied uncomfortably.

Rizzo said to Gonzo, "So, when's the wedding day?"

"As soon as we can make it," Gonzo replied. "We'd hoped to be married by the time the egg hatches, but that's not gonna happen now. We thought the case would take a lot longer, so we haven't even started making arrangements."

"What kind of arrangements?" Kermit asked.

"You know, booking a church, sending out invitations, all that stuff. We only have to wait a few days between getting the license and using it, but there's no way we can do it that fast. The other alternative is to have a little civil ceremony, which would be quick, but we couldn't have everybody there, just a few witnesses." he said regretfully.

"Well..."

Gonzo looked up, wondering at Kermit's too-casual tone of voice.

"Weddings don't have to be in churches, you know. Some people choose other venues."

Wondering what his friend had in mind, Gonzo said, "Like what?"

"I just happen know of a place that just happens to be available this week, and is big enough for everyone. Plenty of seating."

"The _theater?"_ Gonzo asked.

"The waiting period on that license is up on Thursday, and the first show is on Friday. We could hold a wedding there the day before the show." In a serious tone Kermit added, "If you want to. I'm not trying to butt in."

Gonzo glanced at Camilla, who nodded vigorously, then exclaimed, "Kermit, that's a _great_ idea! That theater's been the best part of our lives. I can't think of any place I'd rather have it!"

"You'll need a band," said Dr. Teeth.

"If we can stand playing that cubical Muppet Show theme, I guess we can put up with a wedding march," said Floyd.

"Oh, fer sure," Janice added.

"That'd be great, guys!" Gonzo said.

Scooter said, "I bet there are enough formal outfits in Wardrobe to outfit the wedding party."

Miss Piggy was standing back from the main crowd. She was jealous of Gonzo and Camilla's happiness, and she knew that was petty, but knowing that didn't make her feelings go away.

Because she was closest to the front door, she heard the buzzer go off. She peered through the eyepiece, hoping it was either someone she could ignore or a pizza delivery. When she saw who it was she paused, startled, then sang out, "Be with you in a moment, dear!" Nobody paid attention as she sauntered away from the door, a smile lighting her face.

They did notice when Piggy returned, bringing Animal on his leash. She opened the door partway and said, "You wanted another exclusive interview, _moi_ presumes?" Without waiting for an answer she opened the door the rest of the way, revealing Animal, and snarled, "Here you go. _**Sic 'em!"**_

_**"BAD MAN!"**_

Those near the window saw Fleet Scribbler tearing away from the house with Animal in hot pursuit. When Animal roared, triggering a burst of speed from Fleet, Kermit realized what had happened. He looked at Miss Piggy in disbelief. "Oh, I am _so_ sorry! The chain just slipped out of my hands," she said, almost succeeding at stifling a grin. She had seen the "beauty secrets" article.

Floyd, looking out the front window along with half the other Muppets in the room, said, "Look at 'em go. It'll take an hour to chase Animal down." He made no move to start.

Rowlf said, "At least."

"Couldn't happen to a nicer guy," Gonzo said as he watched the muckraker disappear over the horizon.

* * *

All characters are copyright © The Muppets Studio, LLC and are used without permission but with much respect and affection. This story is copyright © Kim McFarland (negaduck9 at aol dot com). Permission is given by the author to copy it for personal use only.

If you like this story, please check out my website, "The Negapage," where you can find lots my works.


	13. Short and Sweet

**Muppets from Earth  
Part 13: Short and Sweet  
**by Kim McFarland

* * *

It was the evening of a long day for the Muppets. They had been in the theater since early that morning, making final preparations for the show that would open the next day. By now they were all sick and tired of rehearsals, scenery preparation, last-minute blocking tweaks, and all the other minutia involved in putting on a show. By now the acts were as ready as they would ever be.

Now most of the Muppets were in the audience. It felt strange sit in the squeaky seats, facing the stage rather than running about backstage or preparing in cluttered dressing rooms. Kermit the Frog looked around the theater house. The lights were up, and he could see every bit of the restored detail work. When you could see it clearly, without the usual half-darkness to lend it an air of grandeur, the theater house looked kind of corny and vaudevillian. But that was fine; it was appropriate for their show.

The Muppets were dressed in various costumes, according to what was in the Wardrobe department in their sizes. Some wore black dress tuxedos. More wore maroon tuxes. The women wore dresses of varying types, from formal to Las Vegas showgirl to period costumes. The dress code had been specified as "whatever."

A bespectacled Monster wearing a formal suit stepped out in front of the closed curtains and took his place behind a microphone. He glanced to the back of the theater house, then nodded to Nigel, the conductor. Nigel raised his baton. The orchestra for the night—Lips on trumpet, Animal on drums, Zoot on saxophone, Dr. Teeth on his electric keyboards (which, for the evening, had replaced Rowlf's piano), Janice on lead guitar, and Floyd on bass guitar and any other string instruments—began playing a stately march. It was not the usual music, Wagner's _Bridal Chorus,_ but it sounded vaguely familiar. Rowlf stifled a laugh. Being a musician, he recognized the melody despite the drastic alterations in tempo and orchestration.

Gonzo and Camilla walked up the two side aisles, their steps in time with each other and the music. They were alone; with the show's rehearsals there had simply been no time to devote to more elaborate choreography. At least, so the joke went, Wardrobe would not be able to inflict horrible dresses on any bridesmaids. Gonzo was wearing a black tails coat, a holdover from a magic act years ago, sans neverending handkerchief and other such paraphernalia. He did, however, have a chili pepper bowtie and cummerbund. He had his standards, after all. Camilla wore a white veil, matching her feathers.

They met and joined hands in the middle, in front of the Monster, who began the usual speech about the sanctity of marriage. Kermit, sitting in the front row, was mildly surprised by the gravity of the ceremony thus far. He would have expected Gonzo to do something showy, like launch himself out of a cannon toward the stage. Well, on second thought maybe not. Skewed as he was, Gonzo did take some things very seriously, and after all that he had gone through to get this far this would be one of them.

Kermit's nephew Robin sat on one of the armrests. Kermit glanced down at him. The little frog, wearing a necktie wider than his body, watched with great interest. He'd been to frog weddings before. They were generally a lot bouncier.

Miss Piggy sat on Kermit's other side. She had been practicing her song all day. When she wasn't going through it on stage, she had been singing in her dressing room. It was a wonder she had any voice left, Kermit thought.

On Robin's other side sat three hens in two seats. One sat in Camilla's nest box, keeping her egg warm. None of the chickens, Camilla included, had considered leaving it back home.

The Monster finished his speech, which was mercifully short, then said, "If anyone knows any reason why this man and this woman should not be wed, let him speak now or forever hold his peace." Gonzo turned toward the audience and glanced around archly; they had already silenced the objectors in court.

When nobody spoke, the Monster turned the microphone toward Gonzo and Camilla. The couple faced each other, and Gonzo took Camilla's wings in his hands. In a soft, clear voice he said, "Camilla, from the day I met you, you've brought light and beauty into my life. Your love warms me like a mother hen's feathers. I promise to love you, honor you, and be faithful to you for the rest of my life. With this kiss, I thee wed." He leaned forward and lightly air-kissed her wattle.

Kermit heard a soft sound beside himself, and glanced over at Miss Piggy. Then he quietly took a handkerchief out of his pocket and offered it to her. She accepted, embarrassed at getting emotional over the blue weirdo's wedding, and dabbed at her eyes.

Camilla clucked to Gonzo, then glanced down at the audience. A stiff baritone voice said, "Gonzo, you have brought joy and adventure into my life. Your love is like sunlight to me." After a pause, while the audience tittered at Sam the Eagle's deadpan delivery, Camilla clucked some more. Sam said, "I promise to cherish you through happy times and sad, in sickness and in health, not to mention work-related injuries." This time there was laughter, and Gonzo grinned widely. "With this kiss, I thee wed." Before Sam finished his translation Camilla touched her beak to Gonzo's cheek.

The Monster said to them both, "By the power vested in me by this state, I now pronounce you man and wife. You may now kiss." Gonzo knelt to put himself on eye level with Camilla, raised the veil from her face, and gave her a very sincere, thorough, and obviously well-rehearsed kiss.

When they finished Gonzo turned to audience and called out, "Okay, that's the formalities out of the way. C'mon, let's dance!" The curtains opened, revealing a ballroom set. The band began playing the same music used as the processional, but at its original bouncy tempo. There was more laughter as they recognized Sousa's _The Liberty Bell._ Gonzo had slipped in a joke after all, Kermit realized. As Gonzo and Camilla beckoned, the rest of the Muppets began filing up the ramps to the stage.

The music was cut short at the predictable moment by a saxophone blat, and the band began playing _Always On My Mind_—a little more energetically than the original; the Electric Mayhem knew how to liven up a song. Some Muppets paired off to dance while others turned their attention to the food set out on tables at the side. It had been a long day, after all. As the Swedish Chef did not have a segment in the first show, he had put his time to other use. The results, as always, were hit and miss—but that seemed only appropriate for the wedding of The Great Gonzo, who was also known to hit and miss, mostly walls.

Fozzie was hanging back, watching the dancers, when Mildred came up to him. "I don't think I've ever seen you dance."

"I don't think I ever have, either," he replied.

She held a hand out to her. Startled, he said, _"Me?_ I'm watching Robin."

"I'm fine! I'm a big frog now," Robin piped up indignantly from his perch on the table, where he risked being mistaken for an hors d'oeuvre.

Fozzie protested, "But I have two left feet."

"Then we'll dance counterclockwise," Mildred answered, and took his hand.

Unable to refuse, Fozzie let her lead him onto the dance floor. Others glancing over saw her leading the nervous bear in some simple steps. Rowlf, dancing with Foo Foo, told them as they passed by, "Hey, Foz, grin and—oh, you know."

"Ha ha. Is that a foxtrot or a dogtrot?" the bear replied.

Kermit said, "Considering whose wedding this is, I'm surprised we're not doing the turkey trot."

Soon others were chiming in with their own remarks. Somehow, the dance setting just seemed to demand terrible jokes. As always, the Muppets were ready to rise to the occasion.

* * *

After several more songs Gonzo asked Miss Piggy and Kermit, "May I cut in?"

If this were the show, that would be the cue for Kermit to start dancing with Gonzo. Miss Piggy wished that were the case. But Gonzo held out a hand to her, an earnest expression on his face. She would not turn him down, not tonight. She took his hand. Kermit whispered two words into Gonzo's ear—Gonzo nodded—and then held a hand out to Camilla. She accepted.

As Janice began singing _I Get By With A Little Help from My Friends_ Gonzo said softly, "Miss Piggy, I know we never hit it off. I guess we were always too different. You were a big star from the beginning, and I, well, you know."

This could be heading nowhere good, she thought. To head him off she said, "But it all turned out for the best, don't you think? You have a loving wife, and soon you'll have a family."

"Yeah," he said with a warm smile. "And it's because of you, Miss Piggy. Even though I'm not your favorite person, you helped me, and it made all the difference. If you hadn't put your lawyers on this case, Camilla and I couldn't have gotten married."

"Oh. Well, that," she said, and shrugged and tried to laugh. "It was no big deal."

"Still—you gave us a hand when we needed it most, just because," he said softly. "Some of the kindest things are done 'just because.' I don't know what to say except... thank you."

"That's enough," she said, and drew him close. It was not really a slow-dance kind of song, but she did not want him to see her face. He said nothing else; he could feel her tension. He continued dancing while she regained her composure.

* * *

At the end of the song Miss Piggy was once again cheerful, and remarked on how surprised she was that he was a good dancer. He took the backhanded compliment with grace. He could have guessed the secret to dancing with her even if Kermit had not tipped him off: dance backwards.

The Electric Mayhem left their instruments in the orchestra pit and came onto the stage. The music would be prerecorded from here on. Gonzo found Camilla by his side, and said to Miss Piggy, "Thanks for the dance."

She released him, saying, "It was nothing. Ta ta."

Camilla clucked to him. He replied, "It went pretty well, actually." They heard the opening notes of the first song in the queue—a tango—and grinned at each other. He held out a hand to her, and she snapped dramatically into his arms as the violins swelled. The singer began to croon,

"I ache for the touch of your lips, dear,  
But much more for the touch of your whips, dear.  
You can raise welts like nobody else  
As we dance to the Masochism Tango."

The lyrics brought startled laughter from those who were paying attention. Some continued dancing, others stood by to watch. It was always fun to watch tango dancers, if they really got into it, and Gonzo and Camilla did. It was clear that they had rehearsed this number; they incorporated elements from the lyrics too smoothly for it to be ad-libbed. When they struck a pose at the end—Camilla planting a foot on the back of Gonzo, who had supposedly been beaten into submission and loved every moment of it—the others applauded. Gonzo got up, and Kermit said, "You two planned that."

"Well, of course," Gonzo replied, grinning. "Actually, we worked that up years ago just for fun. We knew it'd never make it on the show, heh heh, but we always wanted to do it on the stage anyway. So..."

"Yeah," Kermit said, grinning back.

Gonzo and Camilla went down one of the ramps into the audience. One of the hens, Bernice, was still in the front row, sitting on Camilla's nest. She hopped off, and Camilla checked the egg—still no breaks in the shell—and then took her place.

Gonzo sat in the chair beside her. "Whew. That wore me out," he told her.

She clucked back, _I'm tired too. I can't believe that it's over!_

"Nah, it's not over," he replied, and sang softly, "Now it begins, now it starts. One hand, one heart..."

She smiled and laid her wing over his hand. He said, "But, yeah... wow. I'm glad we made it before the egg hatched after all."

She asked, _Would it matter so much if we didn't?_

"Nah, not really." He paused, then continued, "But it's great that we did anyway."

The two sat together for a while, content just to be together and watch the fun.

* * *

When the celebration was over the cast changed back into their street clothes, tidied the theater—which did not take long; they had avoided making any mess because of the show the next day—and went out the alley exit, where Gonzo and Camilla were ambushed and pelted with birdseed in lieu of rice. After the skirmish everyone piled into the Electric Mayhem's bus, and they drove back to the boarding house, followed by the rattle of clanking cans tied to the back bumper.

Back at the boarding house, many of the Muppets went into the back yard to hang out in the Jacuzzi and unwind from the day's activities. Gonzo carried Camilla's nest box back up to the balcony and set it in place. She fluffed her feathers and shook herself. Birdseed ricocheted off the walls and pattered onto the floor.

Gonzo said ruefully, "That stuff's gotten into my clothes and fur too. Why don't I change, and then we see what we can do about it?"

She clucked agreement as she sat on her nest. He went into his room and took off his sweater-vest—birdseed fell onto the floor; the place was going to need vacuuming—and then stopped. Rizzo's hammock was missing. Gonzo looked around. Rizzo's other belongings, and the various rodent posters, had been removed.

Gonzo went downstairs. Unsurprisingly, he found the rat in the kitchen, munching on a leftover cheese puff. "Rizzo?"

"Yeah?"

"Where's your hammock?"

Rizzo stared, then covered his eyes with a hand and shook his head. He couldn't believe he had to explain. "Gonzo, the last thing I need is to be rooming with a pair of newlyweds."

"But where are you staying?" Gonzo asked, concerned.

"With the other rats, where else? Come on, it's no big deal. You're a big boy now, you'll be all right without a chaperone." Grinning, Rizzo punched Gonzo's arm with a fist the size of a lima bean.

"Well...okay," Gonzo said.

Rizzo rolled his eyes. "Sheesh. It's your wedding night and you're in the kitchen talking to a rat? There's something wrong with you, buddy. I'll see you tomorrow." Carrying the hors d'oeuvre, Rizzo went out the door to the back yard.

Gonzo had to admit, the rat had a point.

* * *

Gonzo explained the situation to Camilla, who agreed readily to move into his room. It would be strange not roosting with the other chickens, but they were just down the hall.

She needed her nest to brood the egg. Gonzo's first idea was to set it, box and all, on his bed. There was just enough room. But Camilla objected; she was uncomfortable with sleeping that far off the floor, and a fall from that height would shatter their egg! So, Gonzo set the box on the floor in a spot which would get the morning sun, just as the balcony did. Then, with some effort due to his small size, he wrestled the mattress off the bed and laid it on the floor next to her nest. "How about that?"

Camilla nodded approval. They had known that there would be logistical problems, one of which was that a chicken could no more lie comfortably in a bed than Gonzo could sleep sitting on a nest. No matter; she was confident that they would figure something out. They had solved trickier problems than this.

Gonzo sat in front of Camilla. He had a brush for his own fur, and used it often; if he didn't he began to look scruffy very quickly. That would get rid of the birdseed easily enough. However, you could not brush a bird's feathers. That task required a more personal touch. Gonzo offered his hand; she tilted her head down and fluffed her head and neck feathers.

He worked his fingers through her feathers. She closed her eyes and made soft noises. She loved having her head scratched. Gonzo took his time, working his way from her head down her neck, finding occasional bits of seed in her downy undercoat.

It was less likely that any seed would be caught under her body feathers; on her back they lay smooth enough that most of the seed would have bounced off rather than lodging underneath, and her underside wouldn't have caught any at all unless they had been fired at her from below. Still, he continued, stroking her fingers between and underneath her feathers, gently massaging her, listening to her soft sounds of pleasure.

She knew perfectly well what he was doing to her, and it had little to do with birdseed. She held still as long as she could, then said, "Gonzo!"

She needed say nothing more; her expression was enough. They embraced and kissed.

* * *

Note: _The Liberty Bell_ is best known as the theme music for _Monty Python's Flying Circus_.

All characters are copyright © The Muppets Studio, LLC. The lyrics to _The Masochism Tango_ are by Tom Legrer. All copyrighted properties are used without permission but with much respect and affection. This story is copyright © Kim McFarland (negaduck9 at aol dot com). Permission is given by the author to copy it for personal use only.

If you like this story, please check out my website, "The Negapage," where you can find lots my works.


	14. Grand Opening

**Muppets from Earth  
Part 14: Grand Opening**  
by Kim McFarland

* * *

Backstage at the Muppet Theater, Scooter was quickly counting the stacked chairs and tables stored backstage left. Sweetums was checking through the painted backdrops to ensure they would open in the right order. In the orchestra pit the musicians were testing out their instruments, making sure they were all plugged in and, where applicable, amped up. Gonzo was giving the cannons a last-minute polish. Kermit was at his desk, coordinating the chaos to the best of his ability, and Robin was helping out by answering the phone, which kept the little frog off the floor and safe from the feet of harried Muppets.

It was opening day. It was normally busy backstage before a show, but for the first performance in years, and with no guest star to keep them on good behavior, it was just this side of chaos.

Fozzie was wringing his tie in his hands and looking anxiously out at the empty seats. "What if they don't come?" he said.

"We pre-sold lots of tickets," Kermit told the bear without looking up. "We'll have an audience."

Unsatisfied, Fozzie began crumpling his hat in his hands. The old fedora was already so soft, a little extra mangling could do it no harm. Gonzo, in his purple tuxedo, said, "Got butterflies? Me too."

Fozzie looked over. _"You're_ nervous? I didn't think you ever got stage fright."

Gonzo put down the polishing cloths and leaned against the cannon. "Sure I do! I just don't let it get to me. I tell myself, what's the worst that can happen?"

"People can boo me off the stage," Fozzie replied. "Gonzo, it's been so long since I did a comic monologue. What if I choke up? It used to be..."

Gonzo patted him on the back. "You can do it, Fozzie. Whatever you had, you still got it."

"I hope you're right. But, just in case..." He turned away, then turned back and handed Gonzo a pie plate and a can of whipped cream.

Fozzie did not need to explain. A pie in the face was always good for a laugh. If the act was flopping, rescue him by smacking him. For a comedian, it was a much more dignified way of cutting an act short than yanking him off the stage with a hook. "You can count on me," Gonzo promised.

The hustle and chaos continued backstage. One of the rare islands of calm was Gonzo and Camilla's dressing room. Camilla was sitting on her nest, brooding her egg. She would still be in the act; she was, after all, a trouper. The room was warm, so the egg would be fine if she covered it up and left it for a few minutes. She was already in costume, which in her case was a tiara-like headdress with tinsel streamers hanging down from the tines. It never hurt to add a touch of sparkle and glitz to the act.

* * *

Soon the heavy red curtains were lowered. It was time to let the audience in. The backstage chaos upgraded to pandemonium for the next half hour. Then the stage was set for the opening, everything was done that could be done, and there was nothing more to distract the performers from their rapidly beating hearts.

The house lights dimmed, and the orchestra began tuning up, or at least playing random notes and squawks. The cacophony lasted for half a minute, at the end of which the theater was quiet. Lit by a follow spot, Kermit bounded out on stage and announced, "Ladies and gentlemen, it's the Muppet Show!" The red curtains parted, revealing the old familiar arches, now repainted to look new.

This part of the act came naturally to most of the Muppets. Most of them had only taken a single run-through to refresh themselves on the song and dance; only those who had joined after the Muppet Show's original run needed to learn the routine. They slipped in easily enough. By the end the arches were even more crowded than before, which was fine. As long as the stage didn't collapse—and it had been specially reinforced—the more the merrier! At the end of the final chorus Gonzo raised his trumpet and took a breath, then mimed blowing hard. In the pit, a flutist played a piccolo trill. When he finished Gonzo stared at his trumpet in mock surprise, and the curtains closed.

Everybody scrambled offstage and began dressing the stage for the next set. The actors in the number helped the stagehands; in this troupe, people did not stick rigidly to their job descriptions. While that was going on, Kermit walked in front of the curtains again. When the applause had died down somewhat he said, "Thank you, thank you, it feels great to be back. I bet it feels great for you too, or at least better, since we had the seats re-cushioned." He made a face at his own joke. "Anyway, let's start the show off with something old, something new, something borrowed, and nothing blue: the wit and witticisms of Fozzie Bear!"

The musicians played Fozzie's theme, and the bear skipped out in front of the curtains. "Heya heya heya! I've got some great new jokes for you! See, these three strings go into a bar-"

"You promise us new jokes, but you've just got the same old yarns!"

"It figures, he's just stringing us along, same as ever."

Fozzie stared up at the two old men laughing in the left box seat.

* * *

Gonzo waited in the wings, whipped cream pie in hand, as Fozzie fought his way through the joke, hindered every step of the way by his nemeses. The joke might have been funny if Fozzie could have told it straight, but the hecklers were clearly not going to let that happen. He eventually reached the punch line and the orchestra played him off the stage. Once safely backstage he wiped his forehead with his hand. "Statler and Waldorf are here!"

"Who'd have thought that they were still around," the Frog replied sympathetically.

"I know! It's just like old times!" In his joy he grabbed Kermit in a brief bear hug. Then he noticed Gonzo. "But it seems like such a shame to let a good pie go to waste."

"Ya sure?" Gonzo asked.

"I'm not on again 'til the second act." He posed, arms out. "Bring it on!"

Gonzo splatted Fozzie in the face. Fozzie peeled the foil plate off, said, "Aaaaaaa!", and dashed off to wash up.

Kermit watched Fozzie scamper away, then told Gonzo, "You've got competition in the weirdness department." Seeing that the next act was ready, he said, "And speaking of weirdness—" He went onstage to introduce them.

Gonzo dashed up to his dressing room to change; his act was coming up. As he opened the door he noticed that some wise guy had replaced his star with a glitter-covered egg. As soon as he shut the door he peeled off his purple suit. The red jumpsuit with its yellow cape were laid out for him, and the favorite of his many helmets and goggles. As he changed he told Camilla, "It's going great. This act is gonna be a hit, I just know it!"

Camilla clucked urgently to him. He stopped changing and said, "What?"

She stood up. He dashed over to her nest. There was a tiny X-shaped crack in the shell of their egg. He stared for a moment, then said, "I'll tell 'em I can't do the act today. Just—"

She squawked loudly, cutting him off. He replied, incredulous, "Are you kidding?" She clucked some more. "No, I'm not going to miss this!" She replied with another round of very determined clucking. "I _know_ they take longer than that to hatch, but—"

She squawked at length, then pointed firmly at his helmet. She stared him down, and reluctantly he resumed changing. "I'll be back as quick as I can," he told her. She clucked back as affectionately as if they had not just argued.

* * *

The curtains opened halfway, revealing the Muppet Labs set, which only occupied the middle of the stage. Dr. Honeydew stepped forward. "Greetings from Muppet Labs, where the future is already here. Today we are positively delighted to present our solution to the fuel crisis: Muppet Labs' recycling explosive, patent pending."

He lectured, "How many times have you run out of gas on the road? I'll bet you said to yourself, 'Why doesn't someone invent a fuel that lasts forever?' As you know, automobiles have internal combustion motors. The key word is 'combust.' When there is no more gas, there are no more explosions to make the motor work. But now we can provide you with_ oodles_ of explosions!" He turned to the side. "Beaker, the explosives, please."

Beaker nervously inched onto the stage behind two ten-foot poles, on the end of which was something that looked like a hot water bottle with a wire attached. Bunsen said, "Each of these contains a teeny-tiny amount of our explosive, which carries a lifetime guarantee. To demonstrate, we have enlisted our resident expert."

The curtains opened the rest of the way, revealing the cannons on either side of the stage, the chicken showgirls, and The Great Gonzo. Gonzo said, "Greetings! I, the Great Gonzo, will demonstrate this explosive in an act which combines science, art, and utter lunacy! Gentlemen, the charges!"

Bunsen and Beaker each went to the back of a cannon, opened the breech, and put one of the rubber pads inside, then threaded the wire through the fuse tube. Next, Gonzo said, "Ladies, the detonators!" Two of the chickens took the wires, at the end of which was a button switch.

"And now, the cannonball!" He hopped up on the lab desk, knocking over a Newton's Cradle, and jumped feet-first into the cannon on stage left. On cue, the orchestra began playing Tchaikovsky's _1812 Overture_.

Gonzo's heart was pounding in anticipation. The first explosion came right on cue, and his life suddenly became very busy. He was thrown high into the air, then came down toward the second cannon. He aimed himself for the muzzle, and made it almost without touching the collar. Some people panicked when in danger; Gonzo, on the other hand, experienced exactly the opposite. His mind became clearest and most focused when he was in the throes of an adrenaline rush, enabling him to react quickly enough to survive his stunts. The next explosion tossed him high into the air again—he felt the impact, but no pain—and he came down in the collar of the target cannon, sliding feet-first into the barrel just in time for the chicken to press the switch and launch him again in time with the music. When he sailed into the air again he screamed, "Yee-_ha!"_

Each firing and landing jarred the cannons backward just a touch, but it was beginning to add up. Gonzo could compensate; he straightened his body like a javelin and pushed off the collar with the hands as he landed to keep himself on target. But one explosion did not come on time. The chicken was rapidly pressing the switch, but nothing happened.

Bunsen hurried forward and opened the breech quickly. The last landing had jerked the wire loose. He stuck it back into place and slammed the breech shut again. The chicken clicked the switch frantically. Two rapid clicks set off two explosions just as the music ended. The double boost sent Gonzo zinging across the stage, through the wings, and into the wall of the backstage right area. He fell to the floor in a shower of brick and mortar crumbs.

Scooter hurried over and exclaimed, "Gonzo! Are you all right?"

"Oh, bubble wrap," Gonzo mumbled.

Gonzo was struggling to get his limbs under himself. Scooter helped him up, then said, "How many fingers am I holding up?"

"All of 'em," Gonzo replied dazedly. He managed to stand, and said, "I gotta get back to my dressing room!"

"I'll help you."

"Thanks." As they climbed the stairs Gonzo shook off the disorientation. At his door he said, "I won't be able to do Piggy's number. Sorry-"

"Don't worry about it. I've got you covered." Scooter had learned long ago that any time Gonzo had a particularly punishing act, have an understudy ready for any part he might have to play afterward.

"Thanks," Gonzo repeated, and went in, closing the door behind himself. Scooter hustled down the stairs and over to Wardrobe.

* * *

Camilla was not alarmed by Gonzo's condition. He was shaky and his costume was ripped, but then he was a daredevil. He had made a career of taking ridiculous risks and surviving them. If he was lucid, he was fine. She clucked, and he answered, "It was cool. A little snafu at the end, but no big deal. How's the egg?"

She backed up on the nest so he could see it. The crack had widened into a small hole, and the egg was moving slightly; the chick within was squirming around, eager to get out. He knelt by the nest and whispered, "Come on, you can do it..."

* * *

The rest of the first act went by as usual, which for the Muppets mean that there were mishaps and ad-libs and upstaging galore, but it was entertaining. During the first intermission everyone set tables and chairs on the stage, and the stagehands dropped the background into place.

The house lights flashed, signaling the patrons that the second act was about to begin. After a suitable time, the house lights dimmed and the curtains opened, revealing a set that looked like a posh nightclub. Various Muppets—all men—were at the tables, sipping from empty glasses and talking in low voices to each other. Floyd began plucking a bass fiddle. Miss Piggy appeared onstage wearing a strapless, skintight red dress, with long gloves and shoes to match. Everyone onstage turned to stare in fascination. She acknowledged the audience's applause with a sultry smile. Then she began to sing to her onstage admirers,

"You had plenty money, 1922,  
You let all the women make a fool of you."

She turned to sashay toward the nearest of the tables. She sang to its occupants, Clifford and Pepe, who were staring at her with open mouths,

"Why don't you do right like some other men do?  
Get out of here, get me some money too."

She turned disdainfully away. Pepe nearly fell out of his seat. Her next targets were Beauregard and Scooter. Scooter had replaced Gonzo, she noticed. Not that it made any difference to her; she was the star of this act and the others were just scenery. As they gaped she continued,

"You're sitting there and wond'ring what it's all about.  
You ain't got no money, they will put you out.  
Why don't you do right, like some other men do?  
Get out of here and get me some money too. "

She turned her back on them too and glided across the stage to the next table. She was clearly getting into the song now, putting more oomph into it. There was already ample oomph in her dress.

She stopped at Rowlf and Link Hogthrob's table and looked appraisingly at them while singing,

"If you had prepared twenty years ago  
You wouldn't be wand'ring now from door to door.  
Why don't you do right, like some other men do?  
Get out of here and get me some money too."

She turned away from them and searched the stage with her eyes, looking around as if in despair. Then the light faded in on a table off to the side that had, up until now, been in the dark, its lone occupant an anonymous silhouette. She approached it, singing as if to an old lover,

"I fell for your jivin' and I took you in.  
Now all you got to offer me's a drink of gin."

She took her target—who was now revealed to be Kermit the Frog—in her arms, lifted him to his feet and, her voice lowering to a husky growl, she sang to him,

"Why don't you do right, like some other men do?  
Get out of here and get me some money too."

Kermit looked stunned, and made no effort to escape as she leaned forward and crooned,

Why don't you do right, like some other men do?"

But instead of kissing him, she released him, letting him drop back into his seat. She sashayed away, then sang the last line sweetly over her shoulder,

"Like some other men... do!"

The curtains closed. Miss Piggy, on hearing the applause, said, "Still got it, baby!" She almost raised an arm triumphantly, but stopped herself at the last moment. Her dress was stunning—and precarious. She had spent much time rehearsing in her dressing room, working out how to move in it. To make dramatic gestures, or even take too deep a breath, was to court disaster.

* * *

The egg had not made much progress. The chick was squirming around inside the shell, but the hole had not widened. Sometimes they could see an eye peering out, sometimes what looked like a beak, but they could not be sure. It was making little squeaky noises now, and to Gonzo's ear it sounded distressed. He picked up a fragment of the shell and looked at it closely, then rolled it between a finger and thumb. Worried, he said to Camilla, "This is thicker than eggshells usually are. I think the baby needs help."

She peered at it, then pecked it. It didn't break. He was right. She told him, _We always let our chicks break out of their eggs without help, but chickens don't have hands. Go ahead, but be careful!_

"Yeah," he said. He thought for a moment, glancing around the room. Then he went over and opened his guitar case. He opened it and selected something, then returned with a guitar pick. The plastic triangle was rounded, no sharp edges or angles anywhere. "How about this?"

Camilla nodded her approval. He knelt bent over the egg and waited until the eye moved away from the hole, carefully inserted the pick, then pulled outward, breaking off a small fragment of shell. It took more effort than he had expected.

* * *

The next act—a set of dancing monsters and otherworldly creatures who danced and provided their own music via horns in their heads—was performing in front of the closed curtains, giving them time to remove the tables and chairs and set up for the Electric Mayhem. Rowlf was hanging out behind the wings. When Dr. Teeth passed by he said, "Prepare to have your mind blown, my good dog."

Rowlf answered, "Don't tell me how good you are. Get out there and show me."

Floyd, carrying his electric guitar onstage, told Rowlf, "Man, either you're gonna love this or you're gonna hate it."

"Fer sure," Janice added.

"Can't argue with that," Rowlf replied, leaning back against the wall.

* * *

Carefully Gonzo widened the hole in the shell. The chick inside was squeaking and pressing its face against the hole as if eager to escape. Camilla watched anxiously. Eggs were not supposed to hatch this way! But Gonzo had the problem well in hand, pulling the shell outward toward himself to avoid pushing sharp edges at the chick.

Patiently he worked, murmuring under his breath to the chick, telling it it would be free soon. Holding the egg in his hand, he could feel its feet kicking against the shell. He enlarged the opening downward, bit by bit.

When the opening was an oval an inch long the shell suddenly cracked outward. Gonzo dropped the pick and held the egg in both hands. Another kick, and the shell split, showing a pink, clawless foot. Encouraged, the chick struggled some more, until the shell was fully broken, revealing a damp, startled-looking baby, lying on its back in the shell and panting with effort.

Carefully he removed the shell. None of it stuck to the... it wasn't quite a chick, but it didn't look exactly like one of Gonzo's kind either. Its wet fur or feathers—they could not tell which—were plastered to its body. And its beak... after a moment's pause Gonzo grinned and said, "Well, will you look at _that."_

Quietly Camilla clucked, _Give her to me. I need to keep her warm until she dries._

"Her." Gonzo said as he set the chick gently back in the nest. Camilla settled over her, fluffing out her feathers to warm the chick without smothering her.

* * *

The red curtains opened on the Electric Mayhem. Dr. Teeth said, "Musicians have been rocking out since time began. Groove ain't no new thing. So let the Electric Mayhem take you back to the year 1798, to rock out with the force of nature that was Ludwig Von." He raised his hands as if to begin playing, then stopped himself. The others looked over at him. "Wait a minute, almost forgot." He reached down, then set Rowlf's candelabra on top of his electric keyboard. Then, with no further preamble, the Electric Mayhem launched into its version of Beethoven's _Piano Sonata No. 8 in C minor, Op. 13_, third movement.

Rowlf closed his eyes and listened. The Mayhem played the major motifs of the piece, transforming them into rock music. After the introduction, which stated the major theme, Zoot played a passage on his sax, and then Janice took up a more elaborate section on the electric guitar. Rowlf thought to himself that he could visualize that part played by violins. The next part was played by Dr. Teeth, his fingers fluttering over the keyboard as fast as Rowlf's ever had, coming down hard on chords to add more force. Then they returned to the major motif with renewed vigor, animal roaring with the cymbal clashes.

When they finished and the curtains closed, Rowlf met Dr. Teeth in the wings. "I'm speechless."

"There is no need for eloquent elocution. Did we meet with your learned approval?" Dr. Teeth said, clearly very pleased with himself.

"You didn't play that piece, you wrestled it into submission."

"Au contraire, we fed it raw meat and then unleashed it on an unsuspecting world."

"RAW MEAT?" Animal shouted, looking around eagerly.

"After the show, Animal," Floyd said.

Grinning, Rowlf said, "You win, Doc. Beethoven may be spinning in his grave, but this round goes to you."

"So glad to hear it. Now, let us discuss how you will fulfil your end of this agreement." He put a serpentine arm around Rowlf's shoulders. "Never let it be said that the good Doctor would be so cruel as to inflict something on a fellow keyboard aficionado that he would not play himself." With a flourish he produced some paper and handed it to Rowlf.

It was handwritten sheet music. Rowlf scanned the first few bars, then looked at Teeth. "You're kidding."

Dr. Teeth answered with his signature golden grin.

* * *

Several sketches, a song, a disaster, and intermittent bursts of heckling later, the show was finished. The performers, still high from the applause, congratulated each other as they moved the sets and props back into place for the next show. Kermit waded through the madness to the upstairs dressing rooms and rapped on a door. "Gonzo? Are you all right?"

After a few seconds Gonzo came to the door, still in his stunt costume. "Yeah, I'm fine," he said. "Is the show over already?"

"Yeah. You missed the bows. That's not like you."

"Oh, uh, sorry about that. I forgot. Um, we'll be down in a second."

Gonzo forgot to take his bows? Kermit couldn't think of anything that would distract him from that, even a head injury. He went back downstairs.

A few minutes later the couple came down the stairs. Gonzo, once again in street clothes, was smiling oddly and holding his costume against his chest. Scooter saw him and said, "Are you all right? Should we swing by the hospital on the way back?"

"Nah, I'm good," Gonzo replied as he reached the bottom of the stairs. "Sorry I flaked out on the rest of the show. It won't happen again. This is what happened." He opened his hands, revealing the fluff-covered baby within.

"Oh! He was born during the show!" Scooter exclaimed.

"She. Her name is Billie. And, actually, she was hatched," Gonzo replied, grinning widely now.

The Muppets closest by, hearing this, came close to look. The other hens flocked out of nowhere to peer eagerly at the latest addition to their number. Proudly Gonzo showed them the hatchling, who stared back with big, wondering eyes. She was swaddled in the yellow cape from his costume.

Softly Kermit said, "She's beautiful."

"I thought you'd like the color." Gonzo replied. From a distance, she looked green. Looking closer, one could see that her feathers were bicolored, the yellow of a chick with blue toward the tips.

Pepe remarked, "She looks like a parrot, okay."

Gonzo was ready for that remark, and was not offended by Pepe's typical tactlessness; she _did_ look like a parrot. He answered cheerfully, "Or like a chicken with a long beak that turns down at the end?"

Rowlf patted Gonzo's back. "Congratulations, you two. Three."

"Thanks. Heh, seems like everything wonderful in my life has happened right here, huh?" Camilla clucked, and Gonzo said, "Well, okay. Not _that."_

Kermit had a feeling that that remark was best left untranslated. He said, "Come on, let's get back home. We have a big day tomorrow."

* * *

On the ride home in the Mayhem's bus everyone got a chance to look at Billie, who, unimpressed at being the center of attention, fell asleep soon after the vehicle started. Camilla clucked to Gonzo, then pointed with her beak. He glanced over and saw Miss Piggy. She quickly looked away.

He went over and said, "I'm sorry I missed your act. I was really looking forward to it."

"Never mind, I understand," she replied, glancing at Billie and then away again.

Oh. Gonzo had noticed that she had not come over to see Billie, but every time he saw her she had been looking at her from a distance. Camilla must have noticed it too. "Would you like to hold her?" he asked.

"No, no thank you. It's so kind of you to offer," she said. _"Moi_ is a little _fatigué_ at the moment."

She was speaking in that familiar singsong, stagey tone. Gonzo never quite understood what that meant. He said, "All right," and went back to Camilla.

* * *

Camilla and Gonzo went to their room as soon as they got home; it had been a draining day for them. Then they remembered that they had left Camilla's nest box at the theater. Before he could get worried about that she asked him to bring her a clean towel. He did, and she bunched that up into an improvised nest. He took Billie out of his cape and put her in; Camilla settled over her so that her head peeped out from Camilla's feathers.

Gonzo changed into his nightclothes, then lay down on the mattress on the floor and stroked Billie's head lightly with his fingertips. He said, "Camilla, I'm glad I was wrong. About what I first thought about the egg, I mean. I'm sorry I ever doubted you."

She clucked softly, _I forgave you long ago. And I'm glad you told me the truth about the most important thing._

"What thing is that?" he asked.

_You told me you'd be ready by the time the egg hatched._

He smiled to her. "Yeah," was all he could say. Instead of turning the lights out, he looked at Billie, who was asleep again. He thought that he could sit there and just watch her breathe until morning. She had been an unexpected gift. Somewhere he had heard that unexpected gifts were the best kind. Now, he thought, he truly understood.

* * *

All characters are copyright © The Muppets Studio, LLC and are used without permission but with much respect and affection. This story is copyright © Kim McFarland (negaduck9 at aol dot com). Permission is given by the author to copy it for personal use only.

If you like this story, please check out my website, "The Negapage," where you can find lots my works.


	15. Monsters

**Muppets from Earth  
Part 15: Monsters  
**by Kim McFarland

* * *

It was a warm and quiet afternoon. Many of the Muppets were just getting up; after their first performance at the Muppet Theater in years they had been too keyed up to sack out at a decent hour. Now they were making up for that, getting the rest they would need before tonight's show.

Camilla and Gonzo had been awake since the morning, as they had turned in much earlier than the others. Their sleep had not been uninterrupted, and would not be for a long time to come; hatchlings took a while to learn the concept of sleeping all night. Thankfully feeding Billie was not turning out to be a problem. Camilla fed her as she would a normal chick, and Billie approved of the arrangement. In a related development, it was very fortunate indeed that some of the diapers they had bought before she had hatched, not knowing what she would be, just happened to fit her.

Now they were eating lunch in their room Camilla was pecking at a bowl of warm oatmeal, offering Billie little bits of the soft food beak-to-beak. Gonzo had brought up two sandwiches, and was eating one.

* * *

Earlier that morning, Gonzo, alone at the breakfast table because everyone else was asleep, had found a message in his cereal. For the first time in almost two months he was eating Kap'n Alphabet, and the letters had formed a message: "R U THERE"

He stirred the cereal, then spelled out, "YES," not an easy task when working with letters floating in milk.

"LETS DO LUNCH"

"OK"

Gonzo watched the cereal for a half minute after that. Nothing else appeared, so he finished his breakfast.

* * *

"Is this thing on?"

Camilla startled and looked up. Gonzo answered, "Yeah."

The sandwich that Gonzo was not eating said, "Listen, sorry about what I said before. I shouldn't've poked my nose into your business. If it helps any, I got whomped into a bulkhead for that."

"Never mind. I want to show you something," Gonzo replied.

"Er... I can't see."

"You can't?" Gonzo asked, surprised.

"Sandwiches don't have eyes. If you get something I can use as eyes then I can see."

"You need me to stick eyes on a sandwich so you can see?"

The sandwich pointed out, "You're asking why I need eyes to see through a sandwich, but not how I can talk through one in the first place?"

Gonzo thought about that for a moment. "Um... you got me there. Wait a minute."

Gonzo went down to the kitchen. He looked through the refrigerator, then grabbed a jar of pimento olives. He went back upstairs and pinned the olives to the back of the sandwich with a pair of toothpicks. "How about that?"

The olives swiveled, looking from side to side. "Yeah, that's perfect."

Gonzo took the plate off the table and said, "I'd like to introduce you to my family. Camilla, my wife."

"You two got married? Congratulations!"

Gonzo continued, "And Billie, our daughter. She hatched last night."

The sandwich was quiet for a moment. Then it said, "Could you bring me closer?"

Gonzo did. Billie stared at the moving, sound-making, edible-smelling thing. Its olives stared back at her. It said slowly, "Obviously it's possible for you two to have a kid, because I'm looking at the proof... but I haven't a clue _how_ it's possible. People from different worlds having children—it's never happened before. _Never."_

"It's a first for us too," he answered.

Camilla remarked to Gonzo, _This isn't the first time someone has accused you of doing the impossible._

"No kidding," he answered. Billie, having evaluated the situation to her satisfaction, began nibbling the bread.

"Hmm... wait, if this was one of the planets we seeded long ago, then we might be related to this world's life," the sandwich said excitedly. "That _has_ to be it!"

"Seeded? What?"

The sandwich explained, "Millions of zotons ago, one of our ships must have found this planet, terraformed it so plants and animals could live here, then dropped off some flora and fauna and left it alone to establish itself. We do that when we find empty planets that look like they have potential. It must have been tens of millions of zotons ago. But the chemical basis would be the same, it'd still use DNA, so there's a chance we'd be compatible. Er, Gonzo, would you mind if I came down there to see her for myself?"

"Yeah, that'd be fine. Are you going to come down to Cape Doom again?"

"No, it'll just be me on a small lander, so I can come straight to your place if that's okay. The mother ship is scooping Jupiter's atmosphere for fuel and elements. I'm in the satellite we put in orbit around Earth. Since it's in geosynchronous orbit, I can be down in a jiffy. Is that all right?"

"Sure."

"You're living in the same place, right?"

"Yeah, I am."

"Okay, see you." The sandwich stopped talking, making it easier for Billie to eat.

* * *

Gonzo, Camilla, and Billie were downstairs. Gonzo, holding Billie in his arms, was waiting for the sound of a landing spaceship. He hoped it wouldn't cause too much pandemonium. The publicity surrounding his lawsuit had not yet died down, and another alien contact would make it flare up worse than ever. More than half the Muppets had already gone to the theater to get a headstart on setup, so at least the house was relatively quiet.

For the moment, Billie was the center of attention. Robin hopped up onto the couch and regarded Billie wonderingly. "Finally, there's somebody smaller than me!"

Bean Bunny remarked, "And almost as cute as I am! I bet I could teach her to be perfectly adorable in no time."

Camilla clucked to Gonzo, _He's not joking, is he?_

Gonzo replied, "I don't think so."

Most of the Muppets reacted enthusiastically to the new baby in their midst. Billie graciously allowed others to hold her, cuddle her, and babble nonsense at her. Sam the Eagle had managed a stiff nod, which for him was a friendly gesture. There had been a tense moment when Animal had approached and stared at her, then said "Green bunny?"

"She's a baby," Gonzo replied uneasily.

Animal thought hard, then reached a conclusion. "Green baby bunny!" He patted Billie on the head with a flattened hand, then shambled off. Gonzo and Camilla sighed with relief. Animal liked bunny rabbits, and it was much safer to have Animal like you than otherwise.

In the kitchen, the Swedish Chef was doing his thing, which currently involved yogurt, fruit, shirataki noodles, and agar-agar, and the Rizzo and his kin were making sure that nothing violated the five-second rule. The Chef heard a knock at the door and looked over his shoulder at the door to the back yard. "Vem är det?"

No answer. The Chef wiped his hands and opened the back door, revealing a short, furred creature wearing a dark suit and sunglasses. The disguise did nothing to conceal a nose like a U-bend. "Åh, Gönscho."

"Er, I'm looking for Gonzo. Am I at the right place?"

"Åh, ja, ja, ist in der rœum der lëëvĭng." He beckoned the alien in.

"The invasion has started," Rizzo said to himself, and followed them.

* * *

Gonzo was startled when he saw one of his own kind dressed like a Man in Black wander into the living room. "Hi," the alien said with a self-conscious finger-wave, then took off his glasses and stuck them in an inner jacket pocket. "Sorry I'm late. It was tricky, bringing the lander down without being noticed."

Robin exclaimed, "Did you really come from _outer space?"_

Brian answered, "Low orbit, close enough. Don't worry, I didn't bring a zap gun."

"Wow! I've never met a real alien before."

_"I'm_ an alien," Gonzo reminded Robin.

"Nah, you're Gonzo," Robin told him.

Camilla looked at Brian, then at Gonzo, and said, _He looks just like you!_

Gonzo didn't think so—Brian was purple, not blue, with a darker nose and a different expression, but then Gonzo still had a hard time telling chickens apart, so he had no room to speak. He said, "Uh, hi."

"I set the lander down in the back yard. Stealthed it when I came in so people only saw a big bird. I thought it'd be better to be quiet this time around," Brian explained.

Rizzo remarked, "So the jacuzzi attracted aliens after all. Who'd'a thought?"

"Huh?" Gonzo said.

"Oh, nuttin'." Rizzo scurried back to the kitchen.

Brian said, "Um, Gonzo—again, sorry for what I said. If I say something stupid, just tell me to shut up and I will, okay?"

"It's okay. I guess I overreacted too," Gonzo admitted.

"Anyhow, thanks for letting me come down. I've been manning that satellite by myself since I screwed up. It hasn't been boring, since I was monitoring broadcasts and such, but I was beginning to forget what other people looked like. Say, do you remember me?"

Gonzo shook his head. "No. Were you on stage at Cape Doom?"

"Me? No. I can't sing," Brian said with a sheepish grin. "I did help come up with the act, though. Hope you liked it."

"Yeah But now people are saying it was a hoax. Aliens wouldn't really land, sing a funk song, then take off again. When I think about it, I don't understand it myself."

Brian stuck his hands in his pockets. "We came down for you, and we didn't plan to stay long. This world hasn't been officially contacted—it's not ready yet—and most people get scared of weird creatures from other planets. A landing always attracts a crowd, and then people get scared. Things could turn bad really quick if even one native panics."

Gonzo thought back to the alien invasion movies he'd seen over the years. The movies were fiction, but their message was clear: aliens are powerful and scary. "Yeah."

"So it's my job to keep that from happening. I learn about other worlds' cultures from their broadcasts, figure out what the people are like and how to talk to them without freaking them out. It was tricky finding you, let me tell you."

"What about the sandwich? And the cereal?" Gonzo asked.

Brian said sheepishly, "That was just me improvising. A voice coming out of nowhere is scary, but talking food is harmless and silly. Anyway, back to the song. We knew we'd attract a crowd no matter where we landed. So, we wanted to keep from looking like monsters from space. Present ourselves in a way that would be familiar to the natives so we wouldn't scare them. You helped with that, by the way. They already know you." He smiled. "So we sang a song from this world about how happy we were to find our lost kin to show them that this wasn't an invasion, it was a family reunion."

"Whoa. I never thought about it that way," Gonzo said, impressed. "That's pretty cool."

"It's my job," Brian said, pleased. "It has its moments. Um, could I see Billie?"

"Sure." Gonzo handed the baby to Brian.

Brian held her carefully, supporting her head with one hand. He saw unmistakable characteristics of his race, and traits from her mother, mixed pretty evenly. Her arms looked like wings, but under the feathers were three-fingered hands. She was fluffier than those of own kind, and much smaller, but perfectly formed and healthy-looking. She was newly hatched? She looked much older—but, looking at her mother, perhaps their chicks are more developed at hatching than ours, he thought. "She's amazing," he said softly.

Gonzo said, "Yeah. It's still sinking in that she's real. The diapers, though—those are _definitely_ real." And, since Camilla didn't have hands, the honor of changing them went to Gonzo.

"My sympathies," Brian said. He gave Billie back to Gonzo, then said, "Um, could I take some tissue samples? Those can tell us how long ago our species diverged, give us an idea how long ago this planet was seeded."

Camilla clucked worriedly. Gonzo asked, "What kind of samples?"

"Just feather clippings," Brian assured them. "I'm no doctor. I wouldn't dare take anything else."

"Okay," Gonzo said.

"Thanks." Brian took a device that looked like pencil case with a screen out of a jacket pocket. From one end he removed a small pair of scissors with a curved blade. Gonzo watched apprehensively as Brian lifted one of Billie's arms, then clipped a small amount of fluff from beneath it, where the loss would not be noticeable. Billie did not show any sign that she considered the procedure objectionable. The feathers fell into a small, drawerlike compartment of his device. He closed it and tapped the screen for a few moments, entering information, then said, "Camilla, may I?"

The hen clucked—Gonzo said, "Wait a minute,"—then preened herself. After a moment she held a feather, which had come loose, in her beak.

Brian accepted it, said "Thank you," and put it in the device. Then he told Gonzo, "I'll need a few feathers from you too."

"What feathers?"

"All over you, what do you think?"

Puzzled, Gonzo said, "I don't have feathers, I have fur."

Brian paused, then said, "You're serious? Gonzo, what we have looks like fur, but it's feathers. One stem, many filaments. If you looked at one of our feathers under a magnifying glass it'd look like a little brush."

"Oh. Does that mean I'm a bird?" Gonzo asked hopefully as Brian clipped a small sample from his wrist and put it in the device.

"No, but I think we're related to them," Brian answered.

"Cool," Gonzo said quietly.

Camilla clucked, _You're almost a chicken after all._

Gonzo smiled at her. "You say the sweetest things."

Brian asked, "Has there been much study on this world's past? Fossils especially?"

"Sure," Gonzo said.

"How far back?"

Gonzo shrugged. "I don't know. Millions of years."

Robin hopped off the couch. Brian tapped on the device for a few minutes, then stared. He tapped on it some more, and came up with the same result. Gonzo asked, "What is it?"

"Just converting years to zotons. It's hard to think in units you're not used to." He put the device back in his pocket. "Where could I find about the fossil record?"

Gonzo answered, "There's always the internet. It's not the most reliable source, but it's a good place to start."

"All right. Is there somewhere I can access it here?"

"Yeah. Come with me." Camilla clucked to Gonzo and stood, and Gonzo put Billie—who had fallen asleep again—under her. She settled down to keep her baby warm.

Gonzo led Brian down into the basement, where Muppet Labs was set up. There, behind a blast shield, was a laptop, already on. Gonzo said, "It's okay to use this one. Bunsen put it by the door so people can use it without going through the lab itself. I think he wants to attract visitors. He likes to show them his inventions so he can get their reactions. Usually it's 'Yikes'." He called up a browser and searched for "fossil record", then selected a likely-looking entry. "Will that help?"

"Yeah, lots," Brian said. Gonzo got up, and Brian sat down and began reading. It took him a while to go through the whole article, as it used unfamiliar technology and touched on all kinds of fossils, from microbes to plants to aquatic and terrestrial life, and the different varieties of fossils. When he finished he said in a puzzled tone, "We've only been in space for 60 or 70 million zotons, and this says the fossil record goes back _billions_ of years. Either this is way off or I misplaced a decimal point. Um, is there anything about animal fossils?"

"Sure. Click on that word there." He pointed at the word "dinosaurs," which appeared in the article's summary.

Brian did, and read article through. Then he read it again. Quietly he asked Gonzo, "How accurate is this?"

"I don't know," Gonzo replied. "I'm not an expert."

Brian stared at the images. Then he shook his head and said, "This is out of my field. I'll have to report back on this."

* * *

When they came back up from the basement Robin was once again perched on the couch arm. He held out a DVD case and said, "If you're interested in dinosaurs, watch this."

Brian took the case and looked at it. Its cover showed the upper part of a dinosaur skeleton. "What is this?"

"It's a really neat movie about dinosaurs. It's kinda scary, but I'm not afraid," the little frog said.

Gonzo told Brian, "It's not research, just a movie. Science fiction."

Brian's task was to learn about alien cultures, and although this would be fiction, it would tell him a lot about how these long-ago creatures were perceived by the people of this world. And, he was naturally curious. In his position that was not a flaw; it was a job requirement. "I'd like to see it."

Camilla clucked to Gonzo. The movie was too loud and would frighten Billie; she was going to go to their room. He said, "Sure, let me carry her."

While they were taking Billie upstairs Robin opened the DVD case—with some effort, as, when open, it was wider than his armspan—and took out the disc. Then he stood as tall as he could, flicked out his long tongue, and neatly pressed a button on the DVD player above himself. The tray opened. He held the disc up and said, "Put that in there."

"Okay," Brian said, amused by the little frog's antics.

Robin pressed the button again, and the tray slid back in. A few more snaps of his tongue got the movie started. Robin hopped up onto the couch arm and said in a low voice, "Don't tell anyone how I pressed the buttons. They'd think it's gross."

"I promise," Brian said with a grin.

* * *

When Gonzo came back downstairs his hands were damp. Billie had needed another diaper change, and when you are still on the learning curve and your hands are furry—or feathery—you wash them _well._

The three watched the movie. Robin didn't find it as scary as most would expect. If you hung around with Animal and Sweetums, fictional dinosaurs didn't seem very frightening.

Brian, on the other hand, went pale when the predatory dinosaurs appeared onscreen. By the end of the film he was as taut as a violin string. Gonzo noticed and said, "Hey, you all right?"

Brian closed his eyes and took a deep breath, then said in a tight voice. "When was that movie made?"

"About fifteen years ago. Why?"

"Is it based on fact? The way the reptiles were portrayed, not the way they were created."

"The dinosaurs? I guess. I don't know. Why? What's the matter?"

Brian opened his eyes again. "It's... look, I don't know enough to talk about it. I'm not a scientist, I'm a guy who chats with aliens. I need to bring the experts in on this."

"Okay. But we're all going to have to go to the theater in a bit. We have another show tonight."

"That's fine. Um, could I use that computer again? I think I understand how the search works."

"Are you all right? You look like you saw a ghost." Robin asked, concerned.

Brian forced a smile. "Yeah, I'm fine. That was kind of scary, but it may have helped me a whole lot. Thanks for showing it to me."

"You're welcome."

Brian stood. He told Gonzo, "Sorry to be cryptic, but I've sworn off opening my mouth before I'm sure what I'm talking about. I'll tell you when I find out if I'm right or wrong. Either way, it's ancient history."

"All right."

* * *

Brian went back down to the lab. The browser window was still open. He searched for the movie title, and found numerous entries describing and critiquing it. He took out his device and began entering notes. Then he looked up the various species of dinosaurs that appeared in the film, and took notes on them too. He spent the next few hours following various information paths.

When he looked up a few hours later he realized that he was tired and shaky. He got up and returned to landing vehicle. It was dark outside, with stars glittering overhead. Looking at them calmed him somewhat.

The lander was small, with just enough space inside for a seat and a control panel. He took out the device containing the feather samples and slid it into a slot so the lander's computer could try to make sense of what he had gathered, then leaned back in the chair and closed his eyes.

His heart was pounding. The movie had reached back into his brain, past his conscious mind and into nightmares millions of zotons old. In the safety of the lander he would eventually be able to relax, but he doubted he would sleep well until he learned whether his suspicions were on the mark or not.

When he felt he could organize his thoughts well enough, he began on a report for the satellite to relay to his mother ship.

* * *

All characters are copyright © The Muppets Studio, LLC and are used without permission but with much respect and affection. This story is copyright © Kim McFarland (negaduck9 at aol dot com). Permission is given by the author to copy it for personal use only.

If you like this story, please check out my website, "The Negapage," where you can find lots my works.


	16. Friends and Family

**Muppets from Earth  
Part 16: Friends and Family**  
by Kim McFarland

* * *

It was a warm and quiet afternoon. Brian, Gonzo, and Camilla watched as two shapes glided through the air. They swooped in lazy circles like a pair of hawks, growing larger as they approached. The closer they came the more they resembled vultures, turning slowly as they wheeled through the air without flapping their broad wings. As the family sat in the backyard other Muppets wondered what they were up to, and came out to see. Rizzo looked up, then whistled the signature five-note theme from _Close Encounters of The Third Kind._

When the flying shapes finally touched the ground in the back yard of the Muppets' boarding house the bird shapes disappeared, revealing small, conical landing craft. The bird images were illusions designed to allow the ships to travel inconspicuously. The downside of that was that to maintain the illusion they had to mimic a bird's flight pattern, greatly lengthening trip time.

The two landers had homed in on a third, which had been there since the day before. Their doors opened, and two figures emerged from cockpits just large enough for one non-claustrophobic person each. Both were wearing nondescript black suits.

Brian, also dressed in black, stepped forward and helped them out. He knew how uncomfortable their ride in the tiny landers had been; he had made that trip himself just yesterday. "Thanks for coming back on such short notice. I know it's a long shot."

One, a greenish male, said, "If what you said is true..."

"Yeah," Brian said. "I told you all I could figure out. I don't know whether I'm right or I'm just nuts."

The other, an older female with a light blue pelt and a nose like a corkscrew, said, "Knowing you, you could be both."

"Heh, yeah." Brian turned back to Gonzo and Camilla. "These are Tiya and Maibes, two of our scientists. They're here to find out if... well, if I've lost my mind." He turned back to the new arrivals. "You already know who Gonzo is. Camilla is his wife—that's the custom here—and he's holding their daughter, Billie."

Tiya, the female stepped forward. "Hello," she said pleasantly.

Camilla clucked, and Gonzo, stuck for words, said, "Hi."

"May I see her?" Tiya asked, indicating Billie.

"Uh, sure, he replied.

He handed over the blanket-swaddled chick. Billie squeaked and stared at her. Tiya smiled and stroked the blue-and-yellow fuzz.

While Tiya fawned over the chick Maibes evaluated the situation more objectively. He had seen the results of the analyses of the feathers Brian had taken from this family, and it was true that this baby's genes were a half-and-half mixture of Gonzo's and Camilla's, as farfetched as that seemed. He would have thought it impossible to genetically engineer such a hybrid, let alone bring one into being by chance. Yet, as everyone knew, the universe us a vast place, and delighted in producing stranger things than anyone could anticipate.

Camilla clucked to Gonzo. She was pleasantly surprised. She had not liked the idea of more aliens examining her chick, but at least Tiya knew how to treat a baby! He smiled and nodded his agreement. She clucked again, and Gonzo translated, "Do you have to get samples or do tests?"

Tiya looked up. "Not as long as she's healthy, and she looks that way to me. We got the information we needed from the feather samples Brian took."

"Oh, good," Gonzo said. Camilla was relieved as well.

Maibes said, "We're here to follow up on something Brian reported. Tiya just likes children."

Brian told Gonzo, "She was one of our crèche mothers. Don't you remember her?"

"No. Sorry, I don't remember _anything_ from back then. What's a crèche mother?"

Both Maibes and Tiya looked at Gonzo in surprise. Brian explained, "Children are raised together by crèche parents rather than Balkanized into tiny families. You and I were crèchemates, in fact. You were a zoton older than I was."

"Oh. I wish I remembered," Gonzo murmured.

Tiya said, "I'd better give Billie back to you now or I might not give her back at all. She's a sweetie."

Camilla clucked, pleased. Gonzo accepted Billie back, saying, "Thanks." Billie stared after Tiya as if fascinated.

Brian took the DVD case out from a jacket pocket and showed it to Tiya and Maibes. "This is what I saw last night."

Maibes replied, "We don't need to watch that. We will do our own research and see if we come to the same conclusion."

Brian nodded agreement. "That makes sense."

Tiya looked at the other Muppets, who had been watching from a polite distance so as not to intrude upon what looked like a family moment. She went over to them and asked, "Are you Gonzo's family now?"

"You could say that," Kermit said.

"Part of it, anyway. There's a lot more of us," Scooter piped up.

She smiled. "He must be very happy with you, to have chosen to join with you rather than come back with us."

She had phrased it strangely, but Kermit supposed he understood what she meant.

Gonzo, Brian, and Maibes had been talking. Now Gonzo came over and said, "Kermit, they want to do some research, and they don't want to follow Brian's tracks."

"Research into what?"

Tiya said, "This planet's past, especially its fauna."

Kermit said, "There's always the library."

Scooter said, "Hold on a minute, okay? I have an idea." Without waiting for a reply he dashed into the house.

Scooter picked up a phone and dialed. After half a minute he said, "Hey, bug? It's me. Got some time free today? I need your help." Pause. "Yeah, I'm calling in a favor... but I have the feeling that if I _didn't_ call you about this you'd never forgive me." Another pause. "You'll see when you come here. As soon as possible." Pause. "Great! See you."

When Scooter came back outside he said, "It's all set. I got someone from my college coming over in a few minutes to give you a hand."

"Really? Who?" Gonzo asked.

Scooter grinned widely. "You'll see."

* * *

The various aliens and Muppets were talking informally in the background by the time Scooter heard a car drive up. He went around the building just as its driver was getting out. She was orange-skinned, with thick locks of red hair held back by a hairband, and wore cutoffs, a T-shirt, and cat-eye glasses. Scooter said, "Hi, sis!"

"Hi yourself. What's the big deal? It's not some dumb skit, is it?" she asked, trying to sound more annoyed than curious at her brother's secrecy.

"I've met some people who need to do some scientific research. I think they can get what they need from the university library. I'd take them there myself, but I have the show tonight, and you know more about what they're looking for than I do."

She put her hands on her hips. "You called me here to take your friends to the _library?_ Scooter, you're out of your nerdy little mind."

"Just come and meet them first," Scooter said. "Please."

She sighed, rolling here eyes, then let him guide her into the backyard. She glanced at the spaceships and dismissed them as props for a _Pigs in Space_ skit. There was a cluster of people there... four of whom were Gonzos. She stopped and stared.

Scooter had been waiting for that moment of surprise. He said, "You may have heard about Gonzo's family from outer space."

"I thought that was just a movie!"

"I don't think so. I saw them fly down those ships in the yard."

"Those are too small to be spaceships," she said uncertainly.

She was hooked. Scooter suggested, "Why don't you talk to them about it?"

He walked her over. When Rowlf noticed her he said, "Hey, Skeeter! Long time no see!"

"Hi yourself," she said, waving to him and the other Muppets.

Scooter said to the aliens, "This is my sister, Skeeter. We're both part-time students at the university. I thought she could help them by showing them around the library there. Whatever you're looking for, they're bound to have it."

Take aliens to the _library?_ That sounded like the plot of a Saturday morning cartoon! She said, "Scooter didn't tell me what you're researching."

Tiya answered, "This world's past. We want to find out about what lived here millions of zotons ago."

"Years," Brian interjected.

"You mean, like _dinosaurs?"_ she asked in disbelief.

"Yes," Maibes said.

Skeeter flashed a startled look at her twin, then said, "Okay, _that _I can help you with! Come with me."

Skeeter led the two aliens to her car. Scooter turned to Kermit and asked brightly, "What next, chief?"

* * *

Finding the problem suddenly solved, they went to the theater to prepare for that evening's show. Brian went with them. He wanted to see for himself what Gonzo was up to these days, and promised to keep out of the way. Fozzie cheerfully warned him that, on the contrary, he would likely get drafted into a skit if he didn't watch out.

When they got to the theater Gonzo gave Brian a five-minute tour of the theater stage and backstage, then went to clean the cannons and make sure they were in perfect order. If they were even a little out of alignment, the repeated firings would throw them further out of whack. Brian watched the backstage action over the second floor railing, where he wouldn't be underfoot.

After some time Gonzo, now wearing his purple suit, approached him. "Brian, could we talk a little?"

"Sure. What about?"

Gonzo glanced around. Nobody was listening. "Now I know there are others like me, but I still don't know anything about them," he said in a low voice.

"Oh. What do you want to know?"

"Well... come to my dressing room, okay?"

"Sure."

Gonzo led him to a room with an egg shape on the door instead of a star. Inside, half the room was stacked boxes and clutter, with bits of costume laid out for quick changes during the show. On the other side was a table with a well-lit mirror, a wardrobe, Camilla on a nest, and more clutter. Brian said, "Hi." Camilla clucked back.

Gonzo sat on a box, and Brian sat on another box. Brian said, "Okay, shoot."

Very seriously Gonzo asked, "Well... what are the rest of us like?"

Brian paused. People usually started off with small talk. "You mean, what's it like, living in a spaceship?"

"Yeah."

"Well..." He looked up at the freshly-painted ceiling. "There are about a thousand of us on our ship. It's a big one, much bigger than the lander we brought down at Cape Doom, but it's just average for colony ships. We consider it comfortable, but after living on a planet you might find it kind of restrictive. Ed likes it." He grinned. "I think he gets a kick out of being our resident authority on Earth."

"Ed. I forgot about him."

"Yeah. He's an okay guy if you don't push his buttons. Anyway, every person starts out with a living space of their own, but they usually combine them with friends and such. It's unusual for any of us to live alone. The living area of the ship is... well, I guess you'd call it modular."

"Uh-huh."

"Our family arrangements are different from those of this world. We don't have marriage per se, but people who decide they want to be together 'join lives.' That covers marriage, adoption, blood brotherhood, and, well, anything else. How they work it out is up to them; we don't have a lot of rules governing people's personal lives."

Camilla clucked. Gonzo translated, "Can they do that with aliens?"

"Joining lives with aliens? Yeah, it's happened. There's even a word for it. Rish. Why, were you thinking of coming back with us?"

"No," Gonzo shook his head. "I couldn't leave here. Sorry."

"I understand. Believe me, I do. We choose our families. If you're happy with yours, then stick with it."

Camilla clucked. Gonzo glanced down. Billie had awakened and was emerging from her mother's feathers and making a bid for the floor. Gonzo picked her up. Brian had to smile; Gonzo always got a soft, happy look on his face when he was holding his daughter. He was in love, all right. He waited while Gonzo cuddled the diaper-clad ball of fluff.

After a bit Gonzo looked up again. "Um, where were we?"

"We were talking about families."

"Oh, yeah. Um, earlier you mentioned that we were crèche mates. Does that mean we're brothers?"

"No. Eggs are cared for by the crèche staff until they hatch, and then the children are raised with all the other ship's children. The staff are the crèche family, and they serve as parents."

"Are you kidding?" Gonzo said in disbelief.

"No." He sighed. "Gonzo, I really wish you could remember what it was like. There were eight of us in our crèche group, and we had a great time together. Our crèche mother was the best. Some of us knew our parents and some didn't—shoot, mine were gene samples—but that isn't any big deal because _everyone_ is family."

To Gonzo that sounded like an orphanage. He said, "I guess that works for you... but I want to raise my own children."

Brian got up and patted his shoulder. "None of us would ever try to tell you not to. If what you have works for you, then you win."

"That's good," Gonzo said quietly.

Brian sat back down. "What else do you want to know about?"

"Well... are there lots of other planets with people out there?"

"Plenty of them. The nearest ones are Koozebane and Gorch. It's a big galaxy, and our ship only hangs around this part of it, so we haven't seen anything like all of them. Every so often we contact our other ships and trade news, so we find out what others are doing."

"'Our' _other_ ships? Are there more of us?"

Brian was surprised. "Of course! Did you think there's only a thousand of us living in one ship? Gonzo, our people have been in space for millions of zotons. I don't know how far we've spread, but we get news from other arms of the galaxy, although by the time it spreads this far it's pretty old. There are thousands, millions, maybe more of our ships. We've colonized planets. We've contacted planets that were ready for it, and stay out of the business of those that aren't yet. There isn't a star you can see from here that we haven't explored."

"Wow," Gonzo said. "Kinda makes me feel small."

Brian said in a serious tone, "Gonzo, you're no bigger and no smaller than any of the rest of us."

* * *

"Ladies and Gentlemen, it's The Muppet Show!"

Brian watched from backstage as the Muppets put on their act. They sang, they told jokes and performed skits, and they defended themselves against a pair of insulting audience members. The show was as full of strange creatures and bizarre spectacles as any spaceport city. Brian watched, thoroughly enjoying himself, occasionally helping shift scenery when called upon to pitch in.

Towards the end of the first act Gonzo, now wearing a gaudy red-and-yellow costume and helmet, came down the steps, surrounded by a flock of showgirl chickens. He was carrying Billie. He said to Brian, "My act's next. Camilla's in it too. Would you mind babysitting?"

"Of course not! Give her here."

"Thanks!" Gonzo hurried off to make sure the stagehands positioned the cannons just right; during the last show they were just a little off their marks, causing Gonzo to do some unplanned acrobatics. After he confirmed that all was ready Gonzo, the chickens, and two furless creatures took their places and waited for their cue.

The pseudo-scientific portion of the act was amusing, and when the music started up Brian could not believe his eyes. His people fired themselves out of cannons for important ceremonies; obviously that part of their culture had stuck with Gonzo. But to do so over and over in rapid succession was madness! Yet somehow Gonzo stayed in control, twisting himself around in midair and landing in the cannon muzzles feet-first and ready for the next blast. On the final one the cannon tipped back and Gonzo went up rather than across, then came down behind the lab desk. A hidden trampoline bounced him up again, and he landed at the front of the stage. After a moment's surprise the chickens swarmed around him and struck a pose.

The curtains closed, and Gonzo bounded offstage, grinning maniacally. "It worked! It actually worked this time!" he exclaimed to Kermit. "Did you _see_ that?"

"Yeah. Congratulations, it was bound to happen sometime," Kermit replied, patting him on the back. Scooter, who had been poised to dial the last number of 911, closed his cell phone and put it back in his pocket.

"Oh—Kermit, Camilla and I have something we'd like to talk with you about. It'll just take a minute. Would during intermission be okay?"

"Sure."

"Thanks!" Gonzo went over to Brian. "Did you see it?"

"I saw it, but I don't believe it. How did you do that? _Why_ did you do that?"

"It's art! Who needs any other reason?" Gonzo replied. He held out his hands, and Brian returned Billie to him. He stroked her head feathers affectionately and said, "What did you think of that, huh?"

She squeaked. Camilla laughed. Cheerfully Gonzo said, "She thinks I should shut up and feed her. She's the boss!" He went up the stairs with Camilla.

* * *

Some time later Gonzo heard a rap at the dressing room door. "Come in."

Kermit entered. "It's intermission. What did you and Camilla need to talk with me about?"

Gonzo was holding Billie, who had fallen asleep after being fed. "Oops, sorry, I lost track of time," he said sheepishly.

"I can't imagine why," the frog said with a smile.

Gonzo said, "We just got word from Porque & Beanes about the case. They've taken their cut of the settlement, and are going to send us our part." He held out a letter.

Kermit skimmed past the legalese and saw the number after the dollar sign. "Whew! Congratulations," he remarked, handing the letter back.

"We want to give it to the Muppet Theater."

Startled, Kermit said, "What? Are you serious?"

"Yeah." Gonzo explained, "This theater has been the greatest thing in both our lives. We love doing movies and TV shows with the Muppets, but... well, when we started the show back up in this theater, it was like coming home again. We want to give something back, now that we can."

Kermit said, "It doesn't work that way. You give back by being part of it. You're part of what _made_ it in the first place. You should save that money for your family."

Camilla laughed behind her wing. Gonzo said, "Actually, I think we've got that covered."

"Come on, Gonzo. Half the time you forget to cash your paychecks."

"Heh, yeah, but I think Camilla's going to remind me from now on. She's good about that kind of thing. In fact, she's been depositing hers in a savings account since the very beginning. And since chickens don't have much in the way of living expenses, it turns out she's got a nice little nest egg. So we decided to invest this in the future. We want this theater to be around when our children grow up."

Kermit said, "Well... Think about it some more, okay? If you still feel the same way tomorrow, then okay."

"Good," Gonzo said.

Billie yawned and twitched her arms, but did not open her eyes. Kermit said, "She sure is cute."

"Yeah. Do you want to hold her?"

"Sure." He hadn't asked to when Miss Piggy was in the vicinity. She had a lot on her mind lately, and he didn't want to set her off. The fuzzy feathers felt warm and slightly tickly against Kermit's cool skin. She blinked drowsily at him, then closed her eyes again and went back to sleep.

* * *

The show kept on track for the rest of the night. This was their third performance, and they had had time to work out the kinks and glitches and come up with new ways to upstage each other. Brian willingly helped out backstage, but adamantly resisted attempts to get him to sit at one of the tables for Miss Piggy's number. Sweetums, on the other hand, did decide to join in, and his enthusiastic admiration of Miss Piggy—which, owing to his face, came across as a leer—drew laughter from the audience.

They all returned to the boarding house, tired but in high spirits. When they arrived Skeeter was sitting in the living room eating popcorn with Maibes and Tiya. She greeted them with "Hiya. I'd ask if you knocked 'em dead, but it looks like they got you first."

Scooter said, "Thanks for helping out, sis."

"Yeah. It was fun. I'll forgive you for shanghaiing me into playing guide. This time," she told him.

Scooter mentally translated: she had had a great time playing host to the spacemen. "Thanks again."

Brian asked Tiya and Maibes, "What did you find out?"

Maibes said, "Come out to the ships with us."

The three went into the back yard. The lamps around the Jacuzzi were on, lighting the ships starkly on one side. Maibes said in a low voice, "You were correct. We looked through many sources without telling anyone what we were trying to learn. Even though the fossil record is incomplete and the dating is often suspect, it still matches the original records too well to be a coincidence. Billie's existence removes any doubt in the matter."

The three were quiet for a moment. Then Brian asked, "What do we tell them?"

"Nothing yet. I have already made my report. Now it's up to them to decide," Tiya said, glancing upward to indicate their mother ship.

Brian nodded agreement. "Okay. If they ask, I'll tell 'em we're just interested in the pasts of the planets we visit."

Maibes said, "Yes. And now we must return. I have a feeling we will be answering questions until we drop from exhaustion."

"Turn on the autopilot and sleep on the way up," Brian advised with an attempt at a smile. "Um, I'd like to stay down here while they deliberate. I don't have anything to add to what you found out."

"You like it here?" Tiya said. It wasn't really a question.

"Yeah. I do."

Maibes said, "If nobody else has told you to return, we won't."

"Thanks," Brian said, relieved.

They watched as Brian went over to the lit house. Maibes said, "Do you suppose we'll lose him here?"

"I don't know," she answered.

They went into their ships, which rose into the sky, visible only as dark shapes against the stars.

* * *

All characters except Brian, Maibes, Tiya, and Billie are copyright © The Muppets Studio, LLC. and are used without permission but with much respect and affection. Billie and Brian are copyright © Kim McFarland. This story is copyright © Kim McFarland (negaduck9 at aol dot com). Permission is given by the author to copy it for personal use only.

If you like this story, please check out my website, "The Negapage," where you can find lots my works.


	17. Muppets from Earth

**Muppets from Earth  
Part 17: Muppets from Earth**  
by Kim McFarland

* * *

It was a dark and stormy night. The loudest of the thunderclaps could be heard backstage at the Muppet Theater, where everyone was preparing for the last show of this set. They had decided to put on new acts every week, and run those from Friday through Monday. That gave the new acts three days in which to get ready for the stage, or as ready as they were going to get, before they started the cycle again. It would be grueling, but they had enough performers that they did not have to do acts every week unless they wanted to—and some did—and everyone would get their chance to spend time in the spotlight. Plus, it would pay off the loans for the renovation faster.

So far attendance was good. The weekend shows had sold out. Today's still had empty seats, but not enough to be discouraging. It was to be expected on a weekday, Kermit knew. Plenty of people bought tickets right before the show, so hopefully they would have a respectable audience.

He could go check that everything was ready for the show, but he didn't really need to. By now everyone knew what they were doing. He could relax. He put the clipboard down and said to Robin, who was perched on the desk, "Let's go to the cantina."

"Right with you, Uncle Kermit."

They went back into the small cantina that served the cast and crew. Both Kermit and Robin would have liked some flies, but, having opened only a few days ago, it had not yet had time to build up a population. They settled for a salad for Kermit and a hot dog for Robin.

Several others were seated in the small dining area. Rowlf and Dr. Teeth had their heads together, talking in low voices. Gonzo and Camilla were at a table, eating their own food and feeding Billie bits of banana. Miss Piggy was at a table by herself. He said, "Hi, Piggy. Mind if we join you?"

_"Vous_ are _trés_ welcome," she said.

Kermit sat in the chair opposite Miss Piggy, and Robin perched on the table and set to work on the hot dog. Kermit said, "I don't know if I've said this or not, but I really like your number in this week's show. It's a knockout."

Piggy laughed and flipped her hair. "Why, thank you, Kermie."

"I know I don't say it often, because I'm usually going nuts trying to keep things together, but you earn that star on your door."

She had covered the star they had put on her door with a much larger, shinier one that she had had specially made. It practically glowed with sequins. Of course she deserved it—and she dared anyone to say otherwise!—but the unexpected compliment caught her by surprise.

"Yeah. It's really cool," Robin said from behind half a hot dog.

She smiled. "Why, thank you."

Gonzo and Camilla had finished, and were heading back into the theater. As they passed by the table Gonzo said, "I'm looking forward to it too. Don't tell Camilla that, though."

The hen was right behind him, and rolled her eyes. Gonzo was a flirt, and nothing would ever change that. As long as flirting was all he did, she turned a blind eye.

"Oh, and Kermit—Camilla and I are going to hold you to that promise you made yesterday."

"What promise?"

"You remember. Just, let's keep it between us, okay?"

Now Kermit remembered. "Okay, if you're really sure."

"Yep!" Gonzo said. He and his family left.

"What was he talking about?" Miss Piggy asked.

"Just something we talked about yesterday. No big deal," Kermit answered.

* * *

When Kermit went back the audience was just starting to enter the auditorium. Scooter came in and told Kermit, "We sold out!"

"We did? On a Monday?" Kermit said, surprised.

"Yeah. Just closed the ticket booth. They said someone came in and bought all the seats left in the back of the balcony."

"Huh! Usually groups book in advance," Kermit said, then dismissed the matter from his mind.

* * *

The show began. The opening song went by flawlessly. Fozzie's comedy act made up for that. Statler and Waldorf interrupted every line, drawing a two-minute joke out into a ten-minute duel. It seemed that every night they had different responses for Fozzie's lines. Kermit wondered if they spent time outside of the shows thinking up new taunts. If so, fine. At least he didn't have to pay them.

Fozzie came offstage, wiping his forehead with his hat. He had been so confident that he hadn't armed anyone with a whipped cream pie, and the audience had been overwhelmingly appreciative. Gonzo, already in his stunt costume—which had been laundered and repaired several times that week—and, as ever, carrying Billie, told him, "I remember when you hated those guys."

"I remember when they hated _me!"_ Fozzie responded.

The audience probably thought they still did, but they had such a good rapport, Fozzie didn't believe so anymore. They were a team, kind of. Together they made the audience laugh. If the audience was any gauge, they had been in rare form tonight.

They moved aside to make way for a parade of penguins wearing tap shoes. As they quacked _Puttin' On the Ritz_ the stagehands set up the Muppet Labs set behind the curtain. Gonzo said, "Be right back. Stephanie's going to babysit Billie during our act," and started upstairs.

Miss Piggy met him on the second floor. In a singsong voice she said, "Since everyone is so _very_ busy, I suppose _moi_ could watch over her during your act."

The offer startled him. Miss Piggy was always looking at Billie, but had always kept her distance. He said, "Um, sure. Thanks, Miss Piggy."

He handed the baby to her. She accepted gingerly. "Be right back," he said in a soft voice, stroking her fuzzy head feathers, then went to his dressing room.

Billie lay in her arms, looking up at her. Miss Piggy half expected her to start crying; babies were notorious for that. However, the little bundle of fluff just regarded her calmly.

She barely noticed when Gonzo, Camilla, and the other chickens passed by on their way to the stage. As they waited in the wings Camilla clucked to Gonzo. Gonzo replied in a low voice, "She _asked_ to."

Kermit, who was waiting for the penguins to finish their song-and-dance act, followed Camilla's glance and saw Miss Piggy on the second floor balcony, holding Billie in one arm and lightly touching her with one gloved hand. Another victim of baby thrall, he thought, and just hoped that the repercussions would not be too dramatic.

* * *

The Muppet Labs segment went off on script. It continued to go well throughout Gonzo's legally-human cannonball act. Kermit watched, ready to act in case of disaster, but that did not seem imminent. This was the fourth performance of this number, not counting rehearsals, and Gonzo was in good form. So good that he might even get through the act without injuring himself, although Kermit would not bet on that.

When Gonzo landed in the final cannon, it was supposed to tilt slightly upward and shoot him toward the back, where he would land on a trampoline hidden behind the desk. However, the cannon must have tilted too far back, as it shot him up and into the fly gallery. There was a jangling sound as Gonzo hit the pulleys, then banged into a catwalk. His nose became entangled in the ropes, and after a noisy delay he came down again, dragging a castle interior backdrop with him. Bunsen glanced around the stage, which suddenly looked like Frankenstein's laboratory. Gonzo, only a little dazed, stood, his nose still embedded in the ropes. Bunsen looked him, then at the audience, and cried out, "He's alive! He's _alive!"_

The audience shouted with laughter. Scooter, who knew a cue when he heard one, flickered the stage lights to simulate lightning—he had no sound effects at hand, unfortunately—then pulled the rope to close the curtains.

So much for the show going off perfectly, Kermit thought. But then, he could hardly claim to be surprised when Gonzo's acts ended in disasters. At least when Gonzo fouled up, he did so in style. "Good ad-lib," he said as Bunsen passed by. He glanced back, saw that Scooter and Beauregard were freeing Gonzo from a Gordian knot and Sweetums was working to hoist the backdrop back into place, then went out onstage to introduce the next act.

When Gonzo was untethered he went backstage. He had already shaken off the daze; he had hardly banged his head at all. A metal catwalk had nowhere near as much punch as a brick wall. His nose was going to be sore for a while, though. Camilla clucked sympathetically.

He glanced up at the second floor. Miss Piggy wasn't there. He asked, "Kermit, did you see where Miss Piggy went?"

"No, I've been a _little_ distracted for the past few minutes. Why?"

"I guess she's in her dressing room." He went up the stairs. He was about to knock on the door when he heard her voice. She was singing in a silly falsetto.

Gonzo smiled, and left without knocking.

The rest of the first act romped by without further disasters, and Scooter reported that there had been no significant damage to the backdrops or the pulley system. Gonzo was fine, and came out suited up for his next role.

Miss Piggy came out of her dressing room and saw Gonzo backstage. She came down, carrying Billie, and said, "I have to get ready for my act now."

"Thanks for watching her," Gonzo replied.

Miss Piggy reluctantly gave Billie back to Gonzo, then turned and hustled up the stairs. Gonzo grinned. She was acting cool, but from the way Billie was keyed up he could tell that she had been playing with her.

When Miss Piggy closed the doors to her dressing room she felt her throat tighten again. She knew how to combat that. She took a deep breath, then began belting out her song as she changed. Those in the adjacent dressing rooms and near her door could hear every word, at least until she began struggling into her foundation garment.

* * *

After intermission, the curtains opened on a stage set like a darkened nightclub. This time the tables were filled; every male Muppet who could find a tux or reasonable facsimile was seated. After a brief musical introduction by Floyd on the bass fiddle, Miss Piggy stepped out from the back into a follow spot. She began to sing _Why Don't You Do Right?_

She glided from table to table as she sang, flirting with and then disdaining each set of admirers. When she came to the last table, the one with Kermit, she saw that Robin, again wearing an oversized bowtie, was sitting on the table and grinning up at her. She drew Kermit out of his seat and, leaning far forward, sang to him. Then, instead of dropping him back into his seat, she swept him up in her arms and sashayed offstage, singing her final "Why don't you do right, like some other men do?" with a sultry smirk.

Kermit remained in character until the curtains closed. Then he said, "Piggy, put me down."

"Not just yet," she said sweetly, and carried him up the stairs.

"Piggy! I have to introduce the next act!" he protested.

"Scooter dear, would you do the introduction? Thank you," she said, and walked to her door.

_"Piggy!"_

Holding him in an iron grip, she said "Kermie, get the door, please," in a sweet voice with a hint of growl in it.

What else could he do? He turned the doorknob.

Once inside her dressing room, she pushed the door shut with her foot. "Now, Kermit, cover your eyes."

He put his hands in front of his eyes. She set him down on his feet. Then, instead of being crushed in a fierce embrace he heard the clicking of her high heels as she rushed to the other side of the room. "Piggy?"

"You can uncover your eyes now."

He did. She said from behind the changing screen, "You must forgive me, Kermie. I simply _couldn't_ put you down. I had a little mishap with this darn _dress _when I picked you up."

"Oh," he said.

The dress flopped over the screen. He could see that the seam in front had popped. She said, "Give that to Wardrobe to fix for me, would you? I'll need it for the bows."

"Yeah," he said, taking the dress.

* * *

He came back downstage. It seemed everyone was hanging around backstage now, waiting for the next act, whether they were part of it or not. Scooter glanced up at Kermit, and saw him holding Miss Piggy's dress. "Whoa! That was fast."

"Don't even _think_ it. Tell wardrobe to fix this." He handed the dress over. He glanced at the stage and saw the Electric Mayhem's instruments were set up, then looked in front of the curtains and saw some brightly-colored, possibly alien creatures frolicking in a musical act, using their bodies as instruments. He had come down just in time. When the creatures finished up, or at least tired themselves out, Kermit stepped out in front of the curtains He said "Ladies and gentlemen, what can we follow up that musical act with but another musical act. It's Doctor..." He stopped himself when a gleam in the orchestra pit caught his eye. Doctor Teeth was sitting back in one of the musicians' chairs and and grinning up at him, his hands laced lazily over his stomach. Seeing Kermit's bewilderment, he gestured to him to go on. Flustered, Kermit finished, "It's The Electric Mayhem."

When the curtains parted, the Electric Mayhem began playing Dr. Teeth's rock version of Beethoven's _Piano Sonata No. 8 in C minor, Op. 13_, third movement. However, the shape at the keyboard was not Dr. Teeth. The mouth was wide enough, but instead of a floppy purple hat he wore floppy brown ears.

Kermit watched, wide-eyed, as Rowlf played Dr. Teeth's keyboards. The dog was concentrating hard, his eyes never leaving the sheet music. His ears kept swinging in front of his eyes, making him toss his head back repeatedly to keep them from blocking his vision. But he kept up with the rest of the Electric Mayhem, and if his style wasn't as forceful as Dr. Teeth's, he played with flair and energy that made the piece shine.

When the piece was over and the audience applauded, the cast backstage did too. As they walked offstage Floyd told Rowlf, "We may just have to make you an honorary Cool Cat."

"Yeah," Zoot said.

"Thanks, but I couldn't wear the glasses, not with these ears," Rowlf replied. He was panting a little; he had been terrifically tense up there, playing music that far outside his comfort zone. But he had to admit that he had enjoyed it.

Dr. Teeth appeared backstage. He said nothing, but walked toward Rowlf, tapping his hands together in an exaggeratedly understated golf clap. Rowlf bowed. "Don't think I'm gonna join the band, though."

"Perish the thought," Dr. Teeth said. "There's room in this band for one and only one master of the keyboards, and that would be he whose name is on the equipment. However... we will have to cross swords more often."

"Too true, too true," Rowlf said, and the two walked off, laughing.

* * *

The show continued. The rest of the acts went by without any more spectacular disasters or unexpected recasting. It was almost disappointing, Kermit thought, then realized what he was thinking. He had been doing this too long! Then again, no, he hadn't. Not by a long shot.

As the band played the closing theme, the cast took their bows in the order of their acts. The audience acclaimed them all enthusiastically, and Gonzo and the chickens were met with a surprising torrent of applause. Kermit thought, this was the second time tonight that Gonzo brought down the house.

After the curtains closed for the final time and the house lights came up Fozzie peered out from the side of the stage. Most of the audience was leaving, but there was a group in the balcony that were still seated. He wondered who they were for a few moments, until he saw one in profile.

Fozzie darted backstage and shouted, "Hey, Gonzo!"

Gonzo popped up from behind the cannon that he and Beauregard were shoving toward the boiler room. "What?"

"C'mere quick!"

Fozzie led Gonzo to the curtains and said, "Look at the balcony."

Gonzo pushed back the curtain. Then he stepped out in front and saw a collection of his own kind. Brian was at the head of the aisle. Gonzo called, "Wait there, I'll be right up!"

"Bring the family!" Brian shouted back cheerfully.

Several minutes later Gonzo, Camilla, and Billie were in the balcony. About two dozen of Gonzo's people, dressed in what Gonzo would guess was their version of either formal or disco attire, were there. Gonzo blurted out, "I don't believe it! I didn't know you were here. What're you doing here?"

"Taking in a show, what else?" Brian answered with a grin. "I told them about it, and there just happened to be a storm big enough to mask our landing. It was practically fate."

Tiya said, "Brian insisted that we shouldn't miss it."

Another, a female with aqua fur and an orange crest, said in a voice of hushed awe, "You are a _master_ of the cannon!"

All of them applauded again. Gonzo's face warmed, and he glanced at Camilla. She smiled at him and clucked, _They're right._

After the applause died down one sitting in the back said, "As well, we owe you an explanation."

The others fell quiet, looking at the speaker: The Ubergonzo, still wearing his turbanlike helmet. It was a good thing he had been sitting in the back row, Gonzo thought.

The elderly alien gestured to Brian, who began, "When I saw Billie I thought that Camilla had to be a descendant of colonists left here so many millions of zotons ago that the species had changed. That's happened before, and that'd mean that birds here are our cousins. But then I found out that this planet's fossil record went too far back for it to have started with creatures we dropped off. As if we'd seed a planet with the beasts we left our home world to escape!"

Maibes continued, "All of our ships carry copies of the most ancient records, made at the time we left our original world. We have maps, information on the plants and animals that lived there, and so on. The maps didn't match, but the fossil record did. That confused us until we figured in continental drift."

Brian continued, "And it turns out that years and zotons are so close, the difference isn't worth mentioning. Lot of coincidences, huh?"

Gonzo said quietly, "Are you saying that..._this_ is our home planet?"

Brian nodded. "Yep. Everything matches, and the fossil record proves that dinosaurs developed here rather than being dropped off. We're the descendants of the fuzzy little things that ran to avoid getting eaten or squished."

"Wow." Gonzo said, momentarily overwhelmed. Camilla clucked, and he asked, "But if you knew all that, how is it that you didn't know _where_ Earth is?"

Maibes said in a solemn tone, "Not everyone agreed with the idea of leaving the planet entirely. Some wished to make it habitable again by dropping an asteroid or comet in the ocean. The resulting catastrophe would kill off the large life forms. They wanted to take revenge on _animals._ So the location was deliberately erased from every ship."

"So we thought," Brian added quietly.

Maibes said, "That could have been coincidence."

Brian was about to argue, then shrugged. "We'll never know, I guess. It's a bit late to dust for fingerprints."

Gonzo had heard the phrase "dinosaur killer" used to describe a large asteroid hit in the ancient past. That must be what they were talking about. He hoped it was a coincidence too. The idea that anyone could—and would—deliberately cause such a disaster was frightening.

The Ubergonzo spoke again. "Now our search is at an end. This planet is our past."

"Wow," Gonzo said, barely more than a breath. "So... I'm not really an alien after all?"

"It depends on how you look at it," the Ubergonzo answered. With a small smile he added, "It does explain how you went native so successfully."

"Oh, heh, yeah." He glanced down at the hatchling in his arms. She was looking around the gathering with mild interest. Camilla clucked to him, and he said, "Oh, sorry. Um, guys, this is Camilla, my wife. And here's our daughter Billie. She was just hatched a few days ago."

The elder said, "We are honored to be in the presence of two such lovely ladies." He got up and made his way to the end of the row of seats, then said to Camilla, "I can see why Gonzo chose to stay here."

Gonzo glanced at Camilla, and held back a laugh at her surprised expression. The last thing she had expected was to be flirted with by an alien! Well, another alien. She clucked, flustered but pleased. Gonzo covered for her by saying, "So, does this mean you'll all be staying on Earth?"

The Ubergonzo closed his eyes. "No, we will be leaving tonight, before the storm ends."

Surprised, Gonzo asked, "Why? This is your home too, after all."

The Ubergonzo shook his helmeted head. "No, it isn't. We have been living in spaceships for countless generations. The universe is our home. We could no more leave it than you could abandon this world. Besides, this planet is already populated; we can no longer claim it as ours. It's good to finally know where we came from... but this is a secret we will keep. It will not be placed in the records that will be shared with other ships."

Gonzo almost asked why, but then he realized that if news got out... thousands of spaceships full of aliens, all wanting to see their ancestral home. Even if none of them had ambitions to reclaim their world, it would still cause chaos. "I understand. But... wow. It's still hard to believe."

The Ubergonzo smiled. "The universe despises complacency. It conspires to surprise us whenever we become bored. That is why we choose to roam among the stars."

"Yeah..." Gonzo glanced at Camilla.

After a pause Brian asked quietly, "Having second thoughts about coming with?"

"No. But... you're going to go explore the galaxy, and I'm going to stay here and do a vaudeville show. It sounds silly."

The Ubergonzo laughed. Gonzo and Camilla looked at him, startled. He said, "Gonzo, you survived and thrived after being marooned when you were still damp from your egg. You made a name for yourself as this world's most recognizable stuntman. You won recognition for Camilla and others of her kind as equals to the dominant race. You called us back to our long-lost home world and singlehandedly proved our kinship with the life here! What are you going to do for an _encore?"_

All of the aliens laughed. Gonzo was embarrassed, but not offended; he could tell that they were laughing in amusement, not derision. And, well, it _was_ funny if you thought about it from their point of view. He held Billie, who was looking about, wondering what all the excitement was, with one hand, and put the other around Camilla.

When they quieted down somewhat the Ubergonzo said, "Gonzo, though you lost your memories, you have continued to keep faithful to our credo. Whatever you do, do it with your entire soul. Decide what your own path will be. Take risks. Don't be afraid to fail, so that your successes will be sweeter. Earn your joy, and share it. Above all, while you live, _live!"_

After an expectant pause Gonzo said, "Well, okay, I think I can do that."

The aliens laughed again, and this time Gonzo and Camilla joined in. Brian came over to them and said, "Gonzo, we've gotta leave before the storm peters out or we'll be making the headlines as a UFO invasion. But we'll be in touch, okay?"

"Yeah," Gonzo said. "I'll watch the skies."

"And keep an eye on your cereal." Brian grinned.

* * *

By the time Gonzo and Camilla came back down everyone else was ready to go. Fozzie said, "Wow, your whole family came to see you! Did they like the show?"

"Yeah, they loved the cannon bit. Heh."

"Are they going to be around for a while?" Kermit asked.

Gonzo shook his head. "No. They got what they were looking for. Now they're going home." He glanced down at Billie. In the dim light she had fallen asleep against his chest. He smiled at how peaceful she looked. "That sounds like a good idea. Let's go home."

* * *

All characters except Brian, Maibes, Tiya, and Billie are copyright © The Muppets Studio, LLC. and are used without permission but with much respect and affection. Billie and Brian are copyright © Kim McFarland. This story is copyright © Kim McFarland (negaduck9 at aol dot com). Permission is given by the author to copy it for personal use only.

If you like this story, please check out my website, "The Negapage," where you can find lots my works.


	18. The Blooper Reel

**Muppets from Earth  
Bonus feature: outtakes**  
By Kim McFarland

* * *

**Chapter 1:**

Sandwich: Hey, how ya doing?

[Everyone looks at Fozzie's plate. His sandwich is speaking instead of Gonzo's. Fozzie looks around at the others, then swaps plates with Gonzo.]

* * *

**Chapter ****3:**

[Kermit and Gonzo are eating lunch in the back yard. Well, Kermit is eating the flies attracted by some honey on a plate, and Gonzo is sitting and looking pensive.]

Kermit: I gotta go back in and get with Piggy on an act she's planning. You coming in?

Gonzo: Nah, I'll stay out here a little longer.

Kermit: Okay. See you.

[Kermit picks up his plates and heads back to the house. Gonzo picks the up his sandwich. It wiggles and makes a muffled noise. Gonzo stares at it.]

Gonzo: [to someone off-camera] I don't think this was supposed to be grilled cheese.

* * *

**Chapter ****7:**

Gonzo: Camilla, they didn't know what they were talking about!

Camilla: [angry squawking, subtitled as:] And you will let them get away with it? You won't stand up to them?

[The other hens growl, backing Camilla up.]

Rizzo: [aside] Talk about henpecked.

Gonzo: [to Rizzo] You don't know the half of it. [grins widely and waggles his eyelids ala Groucho Marx]

Rizzo: [pauses as that sinks in, then covers his eyes with one hand] I did _not_ want to know about that.

* * *

**Chapter ****13:**

Monster official: By the power vested in me by this state, I now pronounce you man and wife. You may now kiss.

[Gonzo kneels, and he and Camilla kiss. For a while.]

Rizzo: Sheez, get a room, willya?

[Camilla, not breaking the kiss or even glancing away, makes a "shoo" gesture with one wing.]

* * *

**Chapter ****15:**

[The Swedish Chef is doing his thing in the kitchen, and the rats are alert for the inevitable fallout. There is a knock at the door.]

Chef: Vem är det?

[The Chef opens the door. Brian, wearing a white suit and sunglasses, is standing there.]

Chef: Åh... Gönscho?

Brian: Er, I'm looking for Gonzo. Am I at the right place?

Rizzo: Hey, what's up with the suit? You're supposed to be dressed as a Man in Black.

Brian: What's wrong?

Rizzo: Men in black wear _black,_ not white.

[Brian looks down at his suit.]

Brian: Oops, sorry. Colorblind.

* * *

All characters are copyright © The Muppets Studio, LLC. and are used without permission but with much respect and affection. This story is copyright © Kim McFarland (negaduck9 at aol dot com). Permission is given by the author to copy it for personal use only.

If you like this story, please check out my website, "The Negapage," where you can find lots my works.


End file.
